Sunday, July 22, 2007

I'm worn out physically and emotionally and any other way you can be. All day my mind has been on Jordyn and the baby. My first little girl in over 7 yrs and there are so many thoughts coming over me. Living in Germany is something I think you all know I absolutely LOVE, yet the thought that we're so far away from where Jordyn is buried is just tearing me up right now. I just really NEED to be able to go to her grave right now. I can't explain it really, it's just this need. I even dreamed last night that I went there. I just NEED to go there and be close to Jordyn's body. I know this probably sounds crazy to most if not all of you, and that's ok I don't expect you to understand I don't completely understand it myself. I just need this and it's just simply not possible.

I guess part of it is that after the boys were both born, one of the first places we went was the cemetary. I do NOT believe Jordyn's soul is 6 feet under the ground. I believe she's in Heaven with our Lord. I believe that these last 7 yrs for her have been a few short hours for her. Yet it's something Chad and I have done and knowing I will NOT be able to take this little girl to the cemetary and show her where her sisters body rests. That I can't go and make sure her flowers are looking pretty, that it's all cleaned up, all dead grass is swept away, that no weeds are growing up and around her. I actually just emailed my mom and asked her to go to her grave and make sure everything's the way that I need and want it to be and to make sure to take flowers to her grave the day the baby is born.

I haven't been nesting, not like most women. Honestly not sure how they can bend over and do some of the cleaning, or stand for long periods because personally my back starts hurting so bad so fast that it's just really hard to get much done. My "nesting" right now is Jordyn's grave and I can't even do that. I could at least sit down and pull weeds if need be. Oh sometimes this just takes my breath away.

Chad didn't pull out the clothes for me like I asked. I'm fairly annoyed with him and at my wits end. He's doing everything but what I ask. I'm about to lose it on him. He's a great husband and amazing dad, but some days I just want to hit him. Oh don't worry I'm not going to but here it is 1:35 am and the thing I want to do the most is going into  my bedroom and scream at him to get to the basement and get the clothes out. To freaking quit procrastinating about it. Instead he watched some stupid movie that he rented. Which actually ticks me off considering he went and watched Transformers last night. He can't do a few things around here. I had to yell at him last night just to dump the freaking litter box. I don't do it when I am pregnant or in the first few months after the baby is born (if the man is here he can dump that stupid thing. This is NOT my cat, he wanted him, he can take care of his feces). I am absolutely in a grouchy mood and don't see me getting out of it anytime soon. I want things done, and yet I wear out so fast that I can't get it all done, so I do depend on Chad to do things. He still hasn't ordered the part for our van, which really, really ticks me off. I'm having this baby in less than 2 weeks and I wanted the van fixed before SHE came! But that is NOT going to happen I don't think. He has to order the part, the part has to come in, and we have to talk to our friend and see if he can fix it and if he can't see if his mechanic friend can. I just know it's not going to be fixed by the 3rd and that ticks me off. Chad's had plenty of time and opportunities to go order the part. I know he's busy at work, but everyone else can manage to take time away from their ever so freaking busy schedules to take care of personal business so can Chad. Three carseats can NOT fit in the backseat of the BMW, it's not possible and I will not let Jacob just sit in the seat, he's not tall enough and he doesn't weigh enough. My kids safety is more important than "convience" that so many parents deem acceptable. He's not 8 and he's not 80 lbs so he NEEDS and WILL be in a booster seat. I told you I was grouchy and everything and I do mean everything is ticking me off.

I know I need to spend more time in the word. I need to just open my bible and start reading. I know God would soften my heart and kick my butt for being such a brat. Yet I continue to be a brat and haven't opened my bible up yet.

I guess I'm going to go and sweep the bathroom because the cat doesn't know how to shake his stupid feet and not carry it out of the litter box and I seem to be the only person in this place that SEE's the litter and only person who seems capable of picking up a broom and dust pan and cleaning it up. Amazing how this is a cat I didn't even want (oh and I actually love cats, just not THIS one...he's a huge pain in the rear). I'm also the only person who seems to know  how to give him fresh water and cat food without being told by another person....yes I'm venting some more!).

Ok I'm done with this post...I think I'm going to write another one of all the things I need to get done be prepared. Hopefully I won't be so ugly in it. But don't hold your breath.


candlejmr said...

You have alot on your mind right now....and rightfully so.  I totally understand your wanting to be closer to Jordyn, especially now, with the new baby girl about to arrive any day now.  And I can totally relate to your frustrations with your husband...I think alot of us can!!!!!  I'm sure you are feeling anxious and I am sure it's because the baby is coming.  I think you need a break.  A day trip to someplace close by that relaxes you.  For me, that would be the beach.  Take your bible, enjoy the outdoors, let the wind blow in your hair, listen to the birds, smell the fresh air....and talk to Jordyn.  She'll hear you...even if you can't get to her gravesite.

Sending you lots of ((hugs))

bhbner2him said...

I know sometimes I am so enjoying being a "brat" that I don't want to turn to the word, for I know he'll correct and rebuke me.  ;o)  I think your longing to connect with Jordyn in the closest way you possibly can is natural.  Will be praying for you!  -  Barbara

hsauls said...

Ohhhh.... that baby will be here soon.... you're all kind of crazy hormonal! I know it's miserable... but it will be worth it.

janid731 said...

Praying for you!  I understand that feeling of happens. :)  

God bless!


deshelestraci said...

You sound like a woman in need of some intervening prayer!  Lord, Be with Christy as she is getting to the end of her pregnancy.  Give her strength and comfort.  Be with Chad and open his ears to hear beyond what Christy is saying to expect her needs and to fill them.  In Jesus name, Amen!

pixiedustnme said...

well, now you know i'm totally laughing at you ;-)  I know where you're coming from and sometimes living with that man is enough to drive me over the edge!  I'm sure he is fighting the same feelings you are, the joy, the fear, all the memories that we fight so hard every day to hold on to and yet let go of at the same time.  I love you girl.  

newhope03 said...

For what it's worth, I get your need to go to Jordyn's grave.  If I was close, I would go there for you & take pictures.  I know your mom will though.  And I know that Jordyn will have a bond with baby Secret Name, no matter where you are. :)

mumma4evr said...

awww.... sending hugs your way!

crewsfour said...

I can feel your desire to be ner Jordyn and am glad at least your Mom is there to watch over her spot, make sure its nice and tidy as well as to deliver the flowers once the new baby arrives.  I can also understand and relate to your frustration with Chad - its a very normal thing, you know that.  Even with your list I hope that you were able to get some rest and now wear yourself out today.  Leene

nay0114 said...

There's nothing wrong with you wanting to be at your daughter's grave. Is there someone that can go for you and take some pictures to send you. I know that is no where near the same as you actually being there, but might help a little. It's only right that you're wanting Jordyn to be part of someone else joining the family. You all are Jordyn's family too and that is her sister no matter what. Truth be known I believe that Jordyn already knows her sister way before you all will meet her. Hope you get some peace soon so many emotions happening right now with a new birth happening.
Take care, Chrissie