Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Today's thoughts...

Well I didn't get a lot of sleep and the boys woke up (and me) at 8:30. This would normally would be a dream, but today not so much....Wednesday's are bible study day and I LOVE my PWOC days. I NEED this middle of the week, getting down deep, study GOD's desires for me, etc.

So with that, here goes something that I think about A LOT. I do NOT expect everyone or ANYONE for that matter to agree with me, but these are my thoughts and beliefs and honestly I do not care if anyone but Chad and God agree with me!

I am going to homeschool our boys. Now for how long I don't know, I have not started this yet, so I do not know how well it'll work out. I have 100% confidence as does Chad that at least for the first 2 or 3 yrs this is how we want to do this. Chad believes in me and in our boys that we can all do this successful. We have discussed that when he's home there will be subjects that Daddy will be the primary teacher (mathmatics and art) but there are times when Mommy is just going to have to do that!

Now with that said, I most definately don't expect others to agree (much less my own parents) and I don't expect everyone else to feel that God's placed it on their hearts to Homeschool, but we do feel this for our family. What really ticks me off though is when others think they have a RIGHT to add their 2 cents in on OUR decision, when in fact it's most definately none of their business. We have our own reasons WHY we're doing this and again we have NO reason why we need to explain those reasons, even though it seems many who do not agree think we OWE it to them.

Now you see the big thing is, homeschoolings not my actual rant today! LOL My annoyance is from some IRL friends over here in Germany that think they can and should question our decision NOT to send Jacob to preschool this year. He went last yr and he did enjoy it, yet it was a lot for a 3/4 yr old to go to school for 4 days a week 3 hrs a day, imo that was too much sometimes. Here they go 5 days a week for 3 hrs. I honestly have no desire to send my child off to a place where I hear parents DAILY tell me that "well they actually don't learn anything, it's more of a playtime" why would I willingly PAY someone quite a bit of money for 15 hrs of PLAYTIME???? That makes about NO SENSE to me. We are thinking about putting Jacob's name on the German preschool list, where they speak souly German, it is also more of a playtime, but he would be learning German andTHAT is VERY important to both Chad and I, and the benefits would be great. PLUS they're cheaper than the military preschool, he could go all day long or only an hour everyday, he could go once a week, twice a's all up to me, and if he's not going to be there I don't have to call and inform them...and again the cost is less. Seems far more logical imho that if my child's going to be away from me during the week "playing" he be learning something that will hopefully stay with him for a lifetime to a degree at least!

So anyways, there's the vent. I don't understand why some parents feel it necessary to try to "talk" other parents "into" sending their child to preschool, public school, sports, etc..if that parent does not want to, has stated that fact VERY firmly, etc.

I feel very strongly that children need to be around other children that is not blood related. They need to learn to develop relationships outside of mom, dad, and siblings. I also believe that they do not need to go to school to do today's world there are just so many other options for them to be socialized. My boys are very well rounded children, if I say so myself, very intelligent part of that is God-given natural intelligence, part of that is God-given "learned"! I have worked hard with my children to teach them things. I work hard in letting them play on their own, because it's NOT my job to entertain them 100% of the time. They must learn to play on their own, have their own imaginations, thoughts, creativity, etc. Are my kids perfect, my goodness no...I've yet to meet a perfect child and I'm afraid if I did I probably wouldn't like that child so much or would feel so my sympathy for that child and/or the parents I'd melt in tears.

What I know is that as a mother I have to do what I feel is best for my children. I listen to others, I read books, magazines, and the internet, I watch my children in what they are doing, what they are saying, etc, and most of all I seek GOD. He is the ultimate teacher and father. He knows my abilities so who am I to doubt him or question him? I already do enough of that and when I truly feel he's leading me in a direction that initially I was scared to death of, but that finally I'm starting to feel that I CAN do this and that I realize God will help me though it why do "friends" want to try and put doubt in there? I don't get it. I suppose they think they're helping.

So what brought this on you ask! Good question! LOL A friend of mine who's child is in preschool, but is a yr younger than Jacob brought me a letter because the preschool's getting a new teacher, she thought I might want to think about putting Jacob in there because the new teacher is someone I know and like. What she doesn't get is that it's not about "liking or not liking" the teacher. It's about the fact that we don't feel Jacob needs to be in preschool this year. I am THRILLED that I don't have to rush out the door at a certain time to pick up Jacob otherwise I'm charged a dollar a minute that I'm late. I like knowing that I get to watch my son learn new things daily. I love knowing that I am the one helping him learn to read, that I'm the one who gets to see that spark in his eye as he learns new words, as he learns that 4+4 is 8 (he did that today withOUT counting on his fingers!!). I love being a SAHM. My calling is to be a mom. It's not to work outside the home. This is where GOD wants ME to be. I do have a VERY hard time with this same friend tells me that she can't WAIT for her children to be older and in school so she can get a break and get away from her kids and have her own life. Honestly that statement stabs me in the heart, it breaks my heart into so many tiny pieces and I've heard it from so many other women and I just don't understand it. I can say "well it's because we lost Jordyn and know how precious this time is" yes that is part of it, but even without losing her, I knew how precious my time was with her. I LOVED seeing every moment with her. I loved hearing her first words, seeing her scoot for the first time, first smile, first steps..I got all those first with her, and there were so many more than I will never have with her. With my boys even at 2 and 4 there are still so many firsts to come and I don't want to miss them. I may miss some, but I think for the majority of them I'll get to see and experience those firsts in front of my own eyes. I am in no rush for my boys to grow up, not a single day. I love them as they are and cherish them. Do I get tired, of course I do. Do I sometimes count down the hours, minutes, SECONDS until they go to bed for the night..of course (especially with Chad deployed!)...but even on the worst days, of feeling like I just can't do this alone anymore...I can and I will and I'll love it. We get 18 yrs of them, by law we're responsible for them for 18 yrs, maybe they'll stay home a little longer maybe but who knows, what I do know is that given the average life span is OVER 70 yrs 18 yrs is not very much in the big picture, it's a moment...truly it's a very small moment of their life...but it's one of the most important "moments" and I don't want to spend it wishing it away. I don't want to spend it off at a job, "believing" that their first smile really came between the hours of 5-8 pm when we're home together and before they go to bed. I don't want a virtual stranger telling me they took a very woobly step, and honestly I don't want someone else to teach them to learn to read their first sentence...I want that. Selfish, absolutely...what I believe God wants for our family, most definatley. Do I look down on others for their decisions. I don't feel like I do. I may not agree completely or at all with them, but the fact is it's not my choice when it comes to their children unless their abusing them and causing undue harm (then it's my job to step in and contact authorities, etc).

Now to end's been a good day! It really has. I LOVED bible study today, and although I was soo tired this morning I'm so happy I got up, got dressed, and went! I have booked my boys into the hourly care program for a shopping day out and a mother's night out....two days of free childcare with people I know love kids and I'll be able to get some things done that I want and do somethings for just me, which I think is also important!

God Bless

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Sometimes don't you just feel blah? I'm sitting here wide awake, which is insane since I got up at 6 am and babysat a 2 month old until 3:30 and for 2 hrs this morning watched my friends little girl while she had a root canel done and then this afternoon for about 3 hrs watched my other neighbors 3 wk old while she went to apts and didn't want to have to drag him out in the frigid cold. I made GREAT money and seriously God really provided for us when we REALLY,REALLY needed it. I just feel so in awe of God and so unworthy of his love and grace and tenderness to me. For the first time I really and truly gave him our financial burdens. In the past Chad's always managed to take care of us, when we've gotten into a rut he's managed to get us out somehow...he's a provider and he's always done that for us. With him in Iraq I knew that I truly just had to give this to GOD and let silly that I've never gave it truly over to him, because I've seen him take care of us in so many ways over and over, and I know that Chad's done this yet I personally have never said "Take this God, just take it"...never I guess had to, because Chad was the willing one. So I did and he provided. He provided above and beyond too. I was able to get groceries that will for the most part cover us for the next 3 weeks or more other than those few odd and ends and the fact that I LEFT my list at home (grrr) so I didn't get quite everything...yet walking out of the store I still had 30.00 left! Now are you seeing how awesome GOD provided for our family? In a big way and he did it pretty well all today..I watched the 2 month old the last 2 days, but monetarily he provided it ALL today and I just sat here today in shock and awe!

So now, why I feel so blah I really don't know. I know I need to do my bible study for tomorrow. I've just had 2 weeks, how foolish of me to wait, but it's very typical of me. I really need to stop doing this and spend far more time with the Lord daily, and not just in prayer but in his word.

I need to figure out something else for bedtime as well, the boys are really getting difficult, ok it's mostly Jackson. He's 2, so that really explains a lot of it doesn't it, yet it's so frustrating. I need to get the next book in The Chronicles of Narnia...because normally with in a few pages of the chapter he's out,  but well I haven't gotten it with money being tight, the books aren't a lot, but sometimes 10.00 I can use towards some food or gas or giving to church things that I just feel are more important than the book. Of course I could probably just check it out at the library, but that thought literally just crossed my mind. I guess because I had decided we'd just buy the series so we would have them and that over the years the boys could read them. Anyways, I just have to figure out something with the bedtime routine, it's not working right now and I'm getting very frustrated when 30 minutes, 45 minutes, 60 minutes later Jack is still getting out of bed, either running into my room to see our cat, getting up and just playing, getting up and sitting on the floor looking at a book, climbing up to the top bunk in with Jacob, which then gets Jacob going. Ahhhh, so frustrating. By the time bedtime comes around I really, really don't like to admit this, but I'm just ready for them to be in bed so I can have some quiet time alone. Oh I don't like how that sounds. I LOVE my children and love them being up and around me, but I know that with Chad being gone it just makes life a little more difficult.

Ok...tomorrow I plan on posting some new pictures, some more snow pictures (because we got more snow!) and some pictures of the boys in front of the CHRISTMAS (not holiday @@@@ that's a whole other post, but seriously it's just so beyond stupid I'm just oh it's just stupid!)'s their favorite place and daily ask to have their picture in front of it, both of them! It's so funny! Tonight Jack sat down in front of and said "picture, picture of me!" seriously how cute is that?!!

Ok, time to get going and read, then drift off to sleep.


God Bless

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Robin's 5'er

Ok here's Robin weekly, answer these questions in YOUR journal and then link it back to  Robin's journal....the link to this partilcuarl entry all you have to do is click on the

"5er" below :) Have fun!!!


Now for the game. If you want to play all you do is cut and paste these questions into your journal. When you have answered them come back and leave a link in my comment section.  On the following Friday I will post your links and a new set ofquestions! Have fun!

1. Do you already have your Christmas tree up? If so when did you put it up? If not when will you put it up?

Yes! I put it up tonight!!!!

2. Do you have any particular theme when it comes to decorating your tree? Maybe you do all Disney ornaments? Only blue lights?  Tell us how you decorate your tree. Kudos if you have a picture and post it.

My tree is a hodge podge of everything! We have angel ornaments, Precious Moments, Angel Wings (those are all for Jordyn), we have various themes that seem to represent each of our boys that year, there's snowmen ornaments because I LOVE,LOVE,Love snowmen, there's ornaments that my mom got us every year and that last yr or the year before handed over, there's ornaments that represent Chad and I, and there's little red bows because they're pretty! :) AND! I DO have pictures!



3.  What is your all time favorite ornament? Only one.  Kudos again if you have a picture and post it. 

It's a goose that my friend Laura bought for us the first Christmas after Jordyn died...and I DO have a picture of it

 Goose is in the middle of Bob The Builder (Jacob's) and Jr of Veggie Tales (Jack's)...he's very realistic looking,and I know Jordyn would have LOVED him!


4. How many stockings do you hang and are any of them for pets? And...where do you hang them?  (Not everyone has a fireplace)

We hang matters where we hang them, we've never had a house with a mantle so it's normally been on a nail on the wall, but this year the window sills are big enough that we can hang them there.

5.  Tell us about one of your Christmas traditions.

Christmas Eve I spend it baking some favorite cookies, that I haven't made at that point throughout December! Sometimes I'll make buckeyes too.."Santa" has to have something to eat! LOL There's only going to be ONE Santa this year so we better be careful how much we bake for "him" this year (coughhercough)...we go driving around looking at Christmas lights once it gets dark, normally we'd go out to eat at Denny's afterwards, but I don't know what we'll do this year probably either go out to eat before hand or I'll have something simple to make once we get home (or before we go). We let the boys open up one gift, which is ALWAYS PJ's (yes eventually they're going to catch on to this and not look forward to it, but this assures that they have cute pj's come morning and picture time! LOL). Once they're in their new pj's and all has calmed down we bring out the bible and read about Jesus's birth. We then talk about What Christmas is REALLY about trying our best to stress that this is not about "them" but about Jesus! VERY IMPORTANT to us. Then it's off to bed and the REAL works begins! ROFL!! oh a few cookies get ate! lol


That's it! Now get to it...Santa Clause is watching you.  :) 



Friday, November 25, 2005

Winter is HERE!!!


We woke up this morning to a ground covered in Snow!!!!! We've had tracings of snow over the past week, but this is enough snow that the boys and I will going out and actually playing in, hopefully making a snow man in, etc!!!! Yahoo! They were so excited and I am too! I LOVE snow! I love the beauty of it. I love the freshness of it, I love the smell in the air after a snowfall, I love hearing and seeing all the children outside enjoying it, I love the memories it brings up in me.

I can still remember one Christmas my brother making the biggest snow "man" ended up only being 2 balls because he was over 6 feet tall and they couldn't get the head up! ROFL! My brother was a little guy for years and years too, so to see him out there with such determination to make the biggest snow possible was funny!

I'll be taking pictures and will post some later!

"Let it Snow,Let It Snow, Let It Snow"!!!!


Thursday, November 24, 2005

As most of you know who visit here regularly we're an Army family currently stationed in Germany and loving it. I haven't shared a lot about what I consider extended family (my parents, inlaws, siblings, etc) my "family" is my husband and Children, everyone else falls under extended.

Well, today my extended family just sucks. I really don't like that word in general and it's not one I say outloud around my children and try not to say it. I don't consider it a cuss word, it's just not a nice word you know and I figure I'm a pretty smart girl, I can be more creative...but sometimes that word just sums things up.

At 8 am, Chad called to wish us a Happy Thanksgiving. That was a WONDERFUL surprise. He doesn't call very often, it's easier (and cheaper) to get online, plus then we get to see his wonderful face AND hear his voice (thank you webcams!)....that was the only phone call we recieved. Since we moved over here I've had friends call me from the states, Chad's mother has even called (let me tell you that's a HUGE gasp there), but my parents nope, not one single time have they called me. When Jack turned 2, I just KNEW they'd call, and t hey didn't. I was horrified, I mean it. It broke my heart that my parents didn't call. My mom is HUGE on appearances, loves to judge others, etc...well she failed big time. She can't even use being at work as an excuse not to call Jack, because his birthday fell on a Sunday this year, so there was truly NO excuse not to call. I've called them quite a few times, called earlier this month on my dad's birthday...because honestly I think that's what you should do...let them know you are thinking of them on those special days and on other days.

I'm done. I know it doesn't sound very Christian or loving. I just don't feel like I can open myself up for the hurt anymore. My mom emails and we "talk" that way. My dad's older brother is dying and they don't expect him to be here come Christmas, so I'm guessing instead of getting a curtiousy call that he's died, I'll get an email.

There are plenty of calling plans for overseas, especially Germany, they knew for quite a few months before we left and my dad had mentioned many times that they needed to call and find out who was going to be cheapest or what the rate, who knows if they did...even if they did it seems calling us doesn't seem to be a priority. I just don't understand and at this point I'm not willing to listen to any excuses.

When Chad was deployed last yr, we had a huge fight and didn't talk for 6 months. It's when I really need them, their support, they just suck.

It's no longer Thanksgiving here in Germany since it's now 12:01 I'm feeling pretty unthankful to my parents for just being them and letting me down. I don't think I'll ever understand this and I'm really trying to use them as a learning experience on what NOT to do with my own children. I think for the most part the negative things I remember from my childhood, so far I've not done with my boys. None of us are perfect and I truly don't expect that. I guess I just expect MORE from them. I used to feel pretty close to my parents. I just have one sibling, my parents have been married for 30 yrs, I'm their only daughter. I gave them their first grandchild/granddaughter, I've given them their ONLY grandsonS....but somewhere along the way, I wasn't what they expected I guess. I got fat, I married Chad (who they like), but I moved away (which they don't like), I am my own person, I make them feel convicted because I'm very open with my thoughts and feelings, although I've been VERY careful to not be convicting (does that make ANY does to me anyways! LOL)...I don't know.

This is really just a venting post, and I'm sure tomorrow I'll wake up in a better mood. We'll be decorating for Christmas in our home tomorrow! I'm excited about that already. I'm still not sure where I'm putting the tree at. I guess I'm going to have to do some rearranging. It'd help if we didn't have two computer desks in the dining area (our living room dining room is all one HUGE room), where the boys computer is...would be a PERFECT place for the Christmas tree, but there's no way I can move that desk it's quite heavy. I will most likely move the tv caddy corner and place the tree in front of the window. :) I guess I'm done for head is starting to hurt, I SHOULD go to bed (huh


God Bless

November's Challenge:Thankfulness

I participated in Penny's NOVEMBER CHALLENGE 

I hope others participated in this as well and if not, do it for December!!! I thought I'd share my list!

THANK YOU Penny for doing this!

A challenge I made for thankfulnessYour thanks I asked, and nothing less Day by day I mentioned my ownHoping that  reap what was sown Here it is the already the twenty-third And many of you are readying the bird I'm doing that too, my friends, today. And counting the blessings along the way Below are your thanks as you've written to me.To have so many fills me with glee.   I hope you save this list of thankfulness.For the days when your life is just not bliss. Look at these things as gentle reminders. There's a way to be grateful if you take off your blinders. Happy Thanksgiving from my family to you. I love your words so faithful and true From Christy
  1. I'm thankful I'm married to a man brave enough to fight for our country!
  2. I'm grateful for my home, a place for my family and I to come into out of the cold and rain.  A place to feel comfortable and most importantly, safe.
  3. I'm grateful that even in the rain I can go out and find joy and laughter and have fun with friends and my oldest son, while my youngest is being taken care of in safety and happiness.
  4. I'm grateful for a wonderful retreat and most of all the blessing of hearing my husband's voice on the phone with him in the middle east and us safe in German!
  5. I'm thankful that I'm part of an amazing women's bible study.  Women who are not afraid to really dig deep, discuss Jesus and share their testimony, even when it is sharing an ugly past, but showing just how Powerful, Almighty and Loving Christ is.
  6. I'm grateful that my dad is still alive to celebrate his birthday, he had a brain aneurism 12 years ago and the surgery he had, he was the 3rd person in the world to have it.  He has minor weakness in his right hand because HE didn't do his physical therapy as he should have . . .but he's alive and well.
  7. I'm thankful that my friend has invited the boys and I over for dinner tonight and that I am bringing home made banana bread for dessert!
  8. I'm thankful that my boys and myself got to talk to my wonderful husband who is in Kuwait!  What a blessing technology is!
  9. I'm grateful today that I have choices for internet providers and that I don't have to pay an arm and a leg for them, vs other countries who don't have many choices.
  10. I'm grateful that I'm an American and even though I don't always agree with someone in our government, even if I said I disagree, I won't get thrown in jail or worse!
  11. I'm grateful that with my husband deployed, we can talk online or the phones vs previous wars . . .technology can be an amazing thing!
  12. I'm grateful that even though I've gained weight, it's possible to lose it and that I'm finally seeing that I AM worth it.
  13. I'm grateful for the wonderful friends I've made and that they love Christ!
  14. I'm thankful that I married a man who feels as strongly about not allowing smoking in our home or around our children as I do!
  15. I'm thankful for good friends, who are willing to watch my children (I watched hers 2 days in a row!) . . .so I can do a little Christmas shopping.
  16. I'm thankful for good friends who even in the states manage to stay in touch because of this lovely contraption. I've been blessed pretty well for as long as I can remember I've always had at least a few good friends.
  17. I'm still in contact with my friends from high school.  I love those girls and always will and I'm thankful we still keep in contact.  Even though some of us have changed drastically, we still remember the girls we were and love them and love who each has become!
  18. I'm most grateful for my freedom through Christ. I can imagine and know what life is like without Christ, it's limited, full of boundaries, fear, there's little to no grace, and so many questions, and most of all no peace.
    When I was in Kansas driving on Interstate 70 West of Topeka there on the side of a barn there's a verse and of course I can't think of what book it's from but this is what it say "No God, No Peace......Know God, Know Peace"
    I think it's from John, but not positive...but it's so true. Before we accept Christ there truly is no peace, with him there's a peace in my heart that I never truly knew before.
    Thank you Jesus. Thank you for loving ME so much that you were willing and DID DIE for ME.
    Tomorrow as I sit down with other wives who's husbands are in Iraq, I will be thankful that I KNOW PEACE. Thankful for a God-fearing husband, thankful we're raising to the best of our ability God-fearing children.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Easy Question of the week....

Dona has taken over for Kelly in the "Easy like Sunday Morning" question of the week...

Here's my question of the week.  Answer it in your journal and come back here and leave me a link in the comments.  I'll post your links next weekend and we'll start over again next Sunday.

Tell me.....

When you were growing up, what did you want to be as an adult and is that what you are doing now or did your ambitions change?


Ok my answer...I can remember for a few years wanting to be a doctor, now anyone who knows my complete dislike of math and I did not enjoy science/chemistry that much yeah definately wasn't going to work out. I also (even during the dr years) wanted to be a teacher and that's stayed with me for years. My Junior year of high school I decided Child Psychology was the field I wanted to do, of course my freshman year of college proved to me that was NOT what I wanted to do. I didn't do any of those, well if I'm closest to any of them it's a teacher, but there's no degree to support that...I'm a mom. My ambitions changed completely when I became a mom and realized THAT was what I was MEANT to be.


If you decide to answer this please answer it in YOUR journal and then post the link in Dona's journal!


Happy Thanksgiving

It's officially Thanksgiving here, since it's after midnight here in Germany. It's hard to believe it's already Thanksgiving. I guess with Chad being gone it just doesn't feel quite right. I had been actually thinking that this would be the first Thanksgiving that Chad and I were spending apart, but it's actually the 2nd. He was in Kuwait in 2001, but was home in time for Christmas...As of last week, I just really had not even realized that THIS WEEK was Thanksgiving, it felt like it was still at least another week away! I guess that's what happens when you're busy with little boys all day and not a lot of people around you are talking about the upcoming holiday because their husband's deployed too, or because their husband's home and they don't want to make you feel sad!

I miss Chad, so much...yet we've been just so completely blessed so far in this deployment because we have webcams and have been able to chat almost every evening or talk on the phone! He was supposed to get online tonight, but didn't end up making it. He did call today though and we got to talk for 21 minutes! :) Wahoo! Of course the boys were napping and so they didn't get to talk to him. I'm sure he'll call or we'll see him (on webcam) tomorrow.

Please keep all the families and soldiers who are not together this year in your prayers and thoughts.

Happy Thanksgiving and don't forget to give THANKSGIVING. Thanking GOD for our Freedom. Thanking GOD for our promise to Heaven when we believe in his son, Christ!

Have a wonderful day!


*******I got a question in the comments and thought I'd edit and answer here! :)

Our Battalion is having Thanksgiving dinner for us spouces and I "believe" the soldiers who are left here from OUR unit at the chapel, so we'll be going there for dinner. Each company was assigned something to bring, ours was a veggie, so I'm making green bean casserole! Yummy! :) They are also going to have Santa visit and all the kids will get to sit on his lap and they will be taping each child and then transferring it to DVD and sending it down range so the soldiers get to see their children!!! They're letting the spouces say something too, I'm not sure if it's just the spouces w/o children or if we ALL get to! I'm hoping all of us can, but if not that's ok.

Monday, November 21, 2005

A Bit of Hope Shining Through

Just a couple pictures I took today of the sky...





Sunday, November 20, 2005

Say it Ain't So

Ok as some of you may know, I'm a HUGE and I mean HUGE football fan, but I'm a LOYAL fan which means I have only particular teams that I will cheer for and the rest are "the bad teams". It's pretty cut and dry..GOOD and BAD! :) Ok so it's football, I know it's "just a game", but it's a game I LOVE!

I will always cheer for my highschool team the "Wildcats". We weren't always good, although in the last I'd say 7-8 yrs they've been AMAZING...went to state and won state pretty well every yr (well going to state anyways and if they didn't win they've almost always been 2nd, not too shabby for a town of less than 5,000!) College of choice, Kansas States "WILDCATS" (yes I'm a wildcat through and through). I bleed purple when watching and listening to the games and my children are taught EARLY who to cheer for!(YES seriously! ROFL). NFL. I'm a Kansas City's Chiefs Fan (bleeding Red on Sunday's!) Ok so you get the drift, I'm a Kansas girl and no matter where I live, no matter how old I become I will ALWAYS be a Wildcats and Chiefs fan.

Sadly....I JUST found out that our beloved K-State Bill Synder (head coach) is retiring after being with us for 17 years. He brought us from the laughing stock of College football to one of the Powerhouses of college football teams. The last 2 season's I'm not really sure what's happened, we haven't been at our  best...but Bill Synder is still a respected and honored man when walking the beautiful campus in Manhattan, KS. As a Wildcat Fan I'll miss this man who has a gentleness about him. A man who on my first day of classes at that beautiful campus showed that lost Freshman where her Psych class was, (he was a very nice man to a girl who was looking at this HUGE campus thinking I'd never find my class and was about in tears!). Yesterday was Bill Snyder's last time ever coaching our Wildcats in a 36-28 WIN over Missiouri. Thank's Bill for the GREAT years!

Bill Snyder was a remarkable success at Kansas State, winning 135 games and playing in 11 straight bowl games.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Six Yrs Ago Today

******All pictures above were taken during her bmt it was taking too long for YGP to load to edit and put names, so just know it's family and dear friends*********


Six years ago today, November 19, 1999 my little girl Jordyn had a bone marrow transplant. The transplant itself was actually fairly non eventful. It was simply a bag of clear marrow, being pumped into her body just like the many times blood and plateletts had been pumped into her. On this day though, we thought without a doubt in our hearts, that she would be given a new life. A life that would be without cancer, a life that would allow her to grow up, become a bigger little girl, preteen, teenager, and then a woman. A life that would give her one day a husband, maybe children (most likely would have been through adoption since the chemo and radiation fried her female organs, namely those precious ovaries of ours), but a new life non the less. We waited every day anxious to hear what her new counts were. That was a day of new beginnings, what we didn't realize was that that new life would never become.

She went through all the chemo, the total body irradiation, that bone marrow transplant, mouth sores, vommitting, listlessness, and then finally the counts to start coming up, what we thought was a new life forming inside of her because of a generous 39 yr old male, only to find out Feb 1, that the leukemia was back with a vengence.

That day though, November 19, 1999 was a day of HOPE. True and limitless hope. I was the one who clamped her central line (or as we lovingly called them...her tubies) closed as the very last itsy bitsy drop of new marrow went into her system. I sat there with anticipation. Chad and I talked about Jordyn's future and our dreams for her. I long for those days of ignorance bliss. I long to hold my little girl in my arms again, even if there's the sound of machines beeping in the background. I long to feel her sleeping peacefully in my arms. To feel her sweaty head against mine, soaking my own hair from hers. To smell her sweet smell.

I want that day back. I want that hope of life continuing back. Right now, I want and long to go back to 1999. Does someone, anyone have a time machine I can borrow, even for just a few minutes. Please? Can't I feel her in my arms just ONE MORE TIME?

Lessons in Friendship

I have been blessed over my life with good and close friends, now those friends have changed over time as I've aged and changed/matured(?), etc. I still stay in touch with friends from high school to friends I've made in the military, to friends I met while Jordyn was fighting the cancer that took her life, to friends I've made online, etc. At times, I know I get quiet and don't stay in touch with them so often. There are times life just gets too busy or life gets too busy for them. I have to say when life gets busy for them I get that selfish feeling and want to say "hello what about me". I know, I know it's not all about me. It should NEVER be all about me. In reality it should always be all about GOD, yet even knowing that I don't do that all the time. I talk a good talk a lot, I'm great at going to my bible study, going to church, at praying and talking to GOD. I lack at doing my devotionals and staying in God's word on a daily basis. I have tried very hard to surround myself with fellow Christians, not saying I won't befriend or like those who are NOT Christians, just knowing that other Christians are going to help keep ME accountable to GOD, or they should. I have friends who are Christians who do that.

I'm still selfish though. I still want to be the center of attention or at least thought about at times. I can't help it. I guess it's hard for me when I pour my heart out and recieve an answer back, then pour some more of my heart and get a "that's great" and then nothing. Not a peep after that. If I'm going to be honest, it hurts. Of course this is a busy friend, and I am admitting freely I'm being very selfish in wanting to hear just something, anything from this friend. Maybe I have no right in expecting that.

I know that in the big picture my life is not harder or easier than the average life. I have different circumstances being an Army wife, but I did choice this life. I knew when I married Chad that he was in the Army had planned to make it a career. I loved him and saw that the Army for the most part made him happy. I didn't realize the obstacles I'd face. I didn't realize that my first born child would develop cancer and die at just over 2 yrs old, and that my marriage would be put to the ultimate test...lasting through the death of their child. I didn't realize we'd go to war once again. I definately didn't realize the fear that being an Army wife would bring out in me. I never realized just how Patriotic I'd become and how much it would anger me when I'd hear people bad mouthing our country, and definately never thought I'd become a <gasp> Republican! LOL

The point is, I didn't realize all of these things, yet the one thing I did realize and have always known is that I can be quite selfish and want attention. I want my friends to stay in contact with me whether it's  by phone, email, im, or snail mail. I want to hear about their life without me constantly having to ask (you start to feel like maybe they don't quite want your friendship), it makes me feel "desperate" for friends and I don't like that feeling. I want to be able to be completely honest and not hold anything back, and not get backlash for it. I don't expect my friends to share in all my opinions, but to understand they are my feelings and that they are things I have to get out sometimes.

What I'm starting to realize is that sometimes we're not who we think we are and our friends aren't who we think they are. That's a hard lesson to learn, especially when we thought we already learned those lessons.

Friday, November 18, 2005

A few thoughts

Ok so quite a few of our beloved journalers have moved off aol, and I can't say I blame them one bit, still thinking about it myself, but part of it's sheer laziness! I have read tons and tons of journals and keep reading in peoples guestbooks one person who's name shall remain nameless for NOW, how she won't miss people, some nasty thoughts, and just rudeness all over. I believe this person also says she's a Christian, yet is showing anything but. As a Christian I know we're not perfect. I know we have things we get fired up about, etc. I also know that as a person who PAYS for my AOL, I do NOT apperciate for one second aol whoring my journal out, and that IS what they are doing with these ads.

My thoughts on this person is, if you really aren't going to miss everyone who already has left or are leaving, why even coment? Why not just sit on your hands and SHUT UP? Seriously it's not that hard, I know I've done it many times and others probably do it on a daily basis, and possibly with you. If you have anger issue's, WRITE ABOUT THEM in your OWN JOURNAL, no need to tell off everyone else.

I will go and read anyone's journal, whether it's on aol or blogspot or anywhere else they chose to go...if I enjoyed them enough on aol, I am going to continue to enjoy their writings.


Just "my thoughts"

Tuesday, November 15, 2005


Oh I'm so unhappy with this internet "provider". How do they call themselves a provider when half the day I couldn't even add an entry to my journal, because the "Add Entry" was not THERE. Oh and let me say this too, I HATE,HATE,HATE this "advertisement" they've now put on our journals. What as if they are bilking their "millions" of customer's out of enough money they have to go to Bank of America and get MORE? Gee I thought part of the "greatness" of AOL was that we got rid of annoying pop up adds, yeah right...they just made those annoying pop ups PART of our journal.

I'm not happy today, maybe it's time they lose ANOTHER customer.....

Monday, November 14, 2005

A Survey Like No Other

  A Survey Like No Other


1.   What sign are you?    Aqurius (don't believe in this junk though)

2.   What's your favorite color?  Purple

3. How many waffles could you eat in one sitting?  2

4. Can you touch your tongue to your nose?  No. 

5. If you had to choose between cats and dogs, which would it be? Cats, they're not as demanding.

6. What's something you've learned recently?  When eggs dry on a closet shelf, spraying it down and wiping with a rag will NOT take it up, but getting out the dish scratcher will take it up in 5 seconds flat!

7. What's your favorite quote?  "I could jog to Texas and back, but my daughter can't" Sally Fields/Steel Magnolia's...(It's one of those that's ALWAYS stuck with me)

8. What's your favorite entry in your own journal?  I just recently wrote it actually, it's called : Jordyn

9. What color is your bedroom? Army blah

10. Where is your favorite place to visit?  A tie right now between Edelwiess in Garmish and Neuschwanstein Castle

11. What is one thing you want to accomplish this year? Teaching Jacob to read

12. Why do you write in a journal? It's a place for me to share my thoughts and feelings.

13. What's your favorite joke?  Just click and turn up your volume (it's clean, just hilliarious!)

14. Do you like the city or the country?  The country, although I LOVE being close to everything, but I prefer the country.

15. What style is your house decorated?  Oh it's a mixture kitchen's in apples, I've got some Americana going on and I plan on doing more Americana, oh and just tons of pictures of my family! :)

16. Who's your favorite artist?

17. Can you pat your tummy and rub your head at the same time? Yes

18. Are you a night owl? ROFL! Um...yes!

19. What's something you love in your house? My children!  ok if we're going for non human, seriously it's all my pictures of my family and friends.

20. Do you believe in God? Absolutely - with all my heart.

21. What hobby could you never give up? Internet (it's more of an addiction)

22. What color makes you think of Hope? Yellow and White (it's a tie)

23. What color makes you think of Love? Red

24. What's your favorite flower? Petunia's

25. If you had one wish for the world, what would it be? That everyone would know Jesus Christ.

26. What's the best surprise you have ever received? Finding out I was pg with Jordyn

27. What can you cook like no-one else? Lasagna...I've been told many times by various people that it's the best they have ever had! :)

28. What do you think about most?  My family

29. Who is your favorite poet?  

30. And last but not least, if you could wrap yourself up in one word...what would that word be?   MOM

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Patrick's Saturday Six

Ok, so it's Sunday, but that's ok I am still going to do Saturday!

Here are this week's "Saturday Six" questions.  Either answer the questions in a comment here, or put the answers in an entry on your journal...but either way, leave a link to your journal so that everyone else can visit!  If you don't have an AOL journal, you can still play, but of course you'll at least need an AOL screen name, which you can get for free with AOL Instant Messenger, to be able to leave a comment here.  To be counted as "first to play," you must be the first player to either answer the questions in a comment or to provide a complete link to the specific entry in your journal in which you answer the questions.  A link to your journal in general cannot count.  (Again, if you're playing for the first time, please be sure to say so in the comment!)  Enjoy!

1. You are invited to spend a night, alone, in a large house that is believed to be haunted.  A close friend of yours whom you trust tells you of his or her own experience, and you have sufficient reason to believe that there may be a genuine haunting going on there.  Without promise of any kind of reward for staying the night, would you agree to do so?

No way!

2. What do you most enjoy about your job?
I'm a stay at home mom, so watching my children play together, growing, becoming the people they are turning into.
3. Who was the last person you had a conversation with?  What was the main topic of the conversation? Jacob and we talked about going to the park after naptime! Hey no one said it had to be a "deep" conversation! lol

4. Take this
quiz:   What kind of "smart" are you? I'm all around smart! 40% applied intelligence 20% natural intelligence

5. What was the last food that you totally ruined -- to the point that it was inedible -- when trying to cook? I burnt some ground beef I was making the other night for a meal, so I had to turn to good ole tuna and noodles! It was worth it, I was chatting with Chad! :)

6. STRANGELY-OBSCURE QUESTION #1:  If you had to do over again, would you change anything? No, probably not

Saturday, November 12, 2005


  I finally learned how to put music on here!

Weekend Assignment #85

I don't do these often, but thought eh, this is easy enough! :)

John's question this week Weekend Assignment #85: Magazines, Anyone?

Weekend Assignment #85: What magazines do you subscribe to and why? This assumes you currently subscribe to a magazine or two, of course, but I'm reasonably confident most of us do. If you don't have any current subscriptions, however, you can list some of your most recent subscriptions or magazines you want to subscribe to.

Extra Credit: What was your first magazine subscription?

Chad gets Ranger Joe and a couple different computer magazines, I have no clue the names and he took the latest issue's with him.

I get Ladies Home Journal, Parents, and Parenting. I know! I'm a woman and I get ones that interest and relate to me! LOL

Jacob also gets one, I think it's called Turtle. It's a cute kids magazine.

For extra credit...hmmm thinking thinking thinking. I do remember getting highlights for a while, so I guess that would have to be it.


If you want to play go to JohnScalzi and link your entry in his journal.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Veteran's Day

I made an entry on this day on our other journal: TalesfromtheFrontandtheonesleftBehind

Thanking my wonderful husband for what he's doing and all our veteran's.

Go say Thank you to Kelly who's a vet from the AF. Love ya girl!



Wednesday, November 9, 2005


I've recieved some beautiful emails and ones that people are lovingly concerned that they might bring up hard memories because they mention cancer or death or I thought I'd share my feelings and thoughts on this subject.

Jordyn's life was an amazing journey of ups and downs but through it all, she was this amazing and brave little girl, who had to be far stronger than most children her age. To this day, I'm still in awe of her strength and courage. God so blessed me with her. Looking at her pictures above I'm struck with these feelings of unworthiness. Knowing that for some reason GOD gave this beautiful child to me.

When I read about other's battles against cancer or the death, etc of course I think of Jordyn, but a good 95% of the time, my memory takes me to the happy days of Jordyn's life and there were so many MORE happy days than sad days. If Jordyn's story,which in turn is our story, can help someone else either giving them more knowledge on childhood cancer, AML leukemia, or give them compassion, or a glimpse of life through a family who's lost a child to cancer, for them to have more compassion when a family is having to say goodbye to their child (or loved one in general) then I'm doing good.

Whether we like it or not, life keeps going. That first year was AWFUL and the 2nd yr was really hard too. For me I had this new baby who I kept wondering what God was thinking giving to me, we sure didn't plan on creating him, yet there he was in our arms, and us loving him when we thought we'd never be able to feel that kind of love again (you know the love you have for your child). We struggled through the holidays and those "special" days her birthday and the anniversary's, etc. Every day brought something new for us learning to live without our daughter and learning to live again with our son.

We're now 5 yrs 6 months 1 day down this journey of living without our girl. It's not always easy, there are days that it feels like those horrible days after she died, that rawness comes rushing back, and the intensity is so strong.Yet most days it's a softer heart ache, it's always there, but it's not the focus of my days.

God's given me so much to be thankful for. He's given me peace that Jordyn's in heaven and that one day I'll be with her again. He's given me an amazing husband, who's strong and tender all at the same time and so brave! He's given me 2 beautiful sons. God has provided for our family time and time again. He's blessed me beyond my worth. I look at my life and it's definately not what I thought it would be when I was that wide eyed 18 yr old graduating from high school, and I'm so happy it's not what I thought it'd's so much more!

Don't be afraid to talk about death, cancer, or funerals. It's part of life. Sure it's not what we want to talk about all the time and it can't be our focus 100% of the time, although for some it is a major focus of their life because of where they are, and that's how it's supposed to be for them at this point. Don't forget to look at what you do have though. Look at the blessings. Look at the beautiful things in life. Realize that with joy there's sadness. With anger this happiness. With sorrow there's tomorrow.

God Bless

Tuesday, November 8, 2005

November Challenge: Being Thankful

I wanted to give a shout out to Penny and want to encourage everyone to do her NOVEMBER CHALLENGE

Everyday you sign her guestbook and leave a comment of what you're greatful for, on that particular day. A few days before Thanksgiving she'll compile the list YOU sent and email you all the things you're personally greatful for and then you can read them outloud at your thanksgiving table. Isn't that an awesome idea? I'm doing and it will become a tradition that I'm going to have my immediate family do every year, so we keep the focus. I think I'll do it for December to, but have us list how we're greatful to God! I think we all get caught up in the hussle and bussle of everyday life and we focus so much on the negatives in our lives, that we REALLY need to focus on the good things. Maybe you don't have your health, but you might have an amazing family surrounding you and holding you up, etc. We ALL have trials, but I think the biggest trial is remember that we also all have joy and things we can be greatful for in our lives.


God Bless


Monday, November 7, 2005

Book name and our day

Ok the book and author that we used for our retreat is: Boundaries with Kids by Dr. Hendry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. They also have a Boundaries with Marriage. It's a great book and also is centered around God, which is the utmost importance to me. I want to grow strong, well adjusted, GODLY men.

Now for today. Jackson woke up hot, so I cancelled hourly care and didn't make it to the gym. :( Being home with my sweetie was far more important and the fact that later in the day I started feeling bad too. Jack took a very early nap in my arms and most of the day wouldn't get out of my lap, so we spent a lazy day primarily on the couch. He didn't nap, although he did stay in his bed most of the time and playing with Pounce. He wasn't so loud that he kept Jacob up, so I was fine, knowing he'd slept for such a long time this morning.

Jacob is thankfully still feeling good, so hopefully he'll stay that way. I decided that we all needed some fresh air and took the boys to the park for about a half hour. It was rather chilly, the boys both had very heavy sweatshirts on, I just had a long sleeve tshirt on so I was a little chilly but lasted for the 30 minutes. We came in because it got dark so quickly and Jacob was dancing around needing to use the restroom! LOL We came in and had dinner and Jack fell asleep on my lap by 7! I read Jacob a story (we're reading Chronicles of Narnia and are the 3rd book: The Boy and His Horse). We read a chapter a night and then off to bed by a little after 8. I hope both boys are able to sleep well tonight. I have laundry to do tomorrow, fun! It's bedding day for sure, I didn't get it done last week so it's really needed, especially now that we have Pounce and he enjoys sleeping in the boys bed and has slept part of the night with me a few times as well! The cat sheds insanely! I was able to strip Jack's bedding and get clean stuff on his bed tonight, and I'll get Jacob and my bed tomorrow stripped and made with nice clean sheets. I LOVE the smell of clean sheets and that first few nights of sleeping in them you can smell that wonderful fresh smell. Tomorrow evening we're going over to a friend's house for dinner. I'm excited! Her hubby is out of town for the week and she has 2 kids. A daughter who's 2 weeks older than Jacob and a little boy who's 1 1/2 yrs old. Our kids play great together and my boys will love the "new/different" toys to play with! She scrapbooks and she's going to give me pointers and teach mehow to make great pages! I'm so excited!!! She's also a Christian and one of the few people that will keep me accountable, it truly takes a special friendship for that. I have that with a few others, but they're not HERE and it's nice to have that kind of friendship here! :)

Well, hope everyone else's Monday was healthier than ours and if not hope you're feeling better! :)

Sunday, November 6, 2005


The boys and I went to a retreat this weekend! It was wonderful, just what I needed! Friday, Saturday, and this morning we had 2 hours of sessions which meant a little over 2 hrs of...childcare! we got there Friday late afternoon, got our rooms which are VERY different than rooms in the states that's for sure! We all had suites, but I've been in suites in very nice hotels in the states, but they were never quite like this. We had a downstairs and an upstairs. No I didn't take pictures, I know, I know stupid, but I just didn't think about it until after we left! Go figure. We had a full bathroom and a closet on each side of the hall way in the entry way. Then you walk a little further and there was a VERY small living area (although the rooms on the other side of the hall had a larger living area. Then there were stairs (same side as the closet), and a king size bed up there. There are no windows upstairs and felt like the heat was on full blast, so it got pretty warm up there! The upstairs was quite large (which the rooms on the other side the upstairs was not near as wide). There was tvs up and downstairs, which would have been great if the channels weren't all German, but hey we are in Germany. It didn't stop Jacob though, he still watched Tom in Jerry and laughed his tush off yesterday morning and this morning watched I believe it was Rupunzle (the princess locked in the tower with the long hair). Brothers Grim are of course from Germany, so no surprise that one of their classics was on!

We had breakfast and dinner provided for us which was nice and we didn't have to pay for the rooms or the sessions. The only thing we had to get ourselves was lunch and then when we got to go shopping yesterday! We had all day yesterday to do what we liked, sessions didn't start until 6:30 (dinner started at 5, but in reality we didn't have to eat there...but hey it was free so why not). The first night dinner was good, can't remember what we had, but it was good. Saturday night it was ok, the boys barely ate, and even dessert was only so-so. Good thing they have a mommy who brought snacks and that they LOOOOVE Fruit! They did get grapes, cheese, and both ate an apple and apple sauce, so they were fulfilled.

The retreat/sessions were on "Boundaries with Kids" The book is still in my van, so I'll try to remember to share the actual name and authors later. It was really great. Explaining how all of us, adults and children NEED and must have boundaries to have successful relationships and really a successful life. It's true, common sense stuff and gave some great idea's on disipline and just living in general, and the best of all with Christian Core Values. I'm telling you by the time Chad comes home I'm going to be parenting the way God wants me to! I feel like my relationship with Christ is growing so much and because of that I'm becoming a person that I want to be and becoming a better mom, etc. I want to be a better wife as well, a Godly wife. I love my husband and want to be the wife he deserves. I don't always try, and that's something I will be working on, even with him deployed I don't stop being a wife. I can and will continue to grow. I am excited to see how I am changing.

I know one thing I have to work on is judging people. It is so hard when they put their flaws out there for everyone to see and you get sucked into them, not wanting to but you're exposed and it's just there. I don't understand mom's who just don't care to parent, whether it's ignorance or laziness. Isn't it our jobs the moment we get pregnant to try our best to protect our children, and isn't providing disipline part of that protecting? I think so, maybe I'm crazy, I don't know. But lazy parenting just really, really ticks me off. It seems that when you're around a lazy parent their child's just SCREAMING (most often literally too) for disipline in their life. It's not always telling the child to sit down, shut up, and be silent. It's love and tenderness as well. It's showing them that "you're worth it". I'm no where near perfect, I'm working daily on being a better mom myself. My boys are not perfect. None of us are that is for sure, but we really have to TRY. We can't watch our child act like a wild animal literally, screaming and carrying on and just not do anything. The other thing (and then I'm done) is when this SAME Mom has her SICK BABY on this trip and exposes everyone to her! When a baby is having runny diapers at least 2 an hour, you don't take the child to childcare so you can "get a break". Why, hmmm..lets start counting the reasons.

1. Baby wants and needs YOU

2. Exposing childcare workers to your child's sickness

3. Exposing other children to your child's sickness

4. Seriously BAD PARENTING

To be sitting in a parenting class that obviously she desperately needs, yet on the bus ride home just showing she really doesn't get it, is sad. Ok so that vent is over. You can see where the "bad" came in for the trip.

Really though the trip was awesome! I loved the classes, I got some great items shopping! I'll have to take pictures! :) It was really a lot of fun. I got to know some people that I didn't know yet or really know. Oh and get this! Yesterday when we went shopping one of the parents said that their 2nd oldest daughter would love to watch the kids (we left Jackson, my friends youngest, and the wild child who's 4/oldest) with the girl....who's name is..........................

Jordan. Jackson LOVED her. She said that out of the 3 he was definately the best and if I ever wanted her to watch him again, she'd love to! awww! She was and is a really sweet girl. Her older sister was there as well to help her out, but she did it and when we got back her parents were back too, but they said she did it all herself and she handled it well. When I went up to get Jack, he was happy, hugged me then hugged her and said "bye, ordan". :) Then when he'd see her after wards he'd just giggle and play a little hide and seek! I have a few teenagers that would watch the boys if I need them too, which is nice to have. I'm not one that has others watch my kids that often, although with me going to the gym I'll be using childcare more, but over all I'm the mom and I am the one who takes care of my children. I don't drop them off with others much. I LOVE being a SAHM and I LOVE being with my children.

Well this has certainly gotten long and went in a few different directions! I did get as few pictures taken from our trip, and I'll get them downloaded over the next day or so and put a couple up! :)


FORGOT!! Ok, I'm editing this entry, don't do that very often...but I forgot my favorite part of the retreat! ROFL It's completely selfish, but felt so good.....

I got a neck and back massage. This was my FIRST true one! Oh my gosh it felt so good. It lasted 30 minutes, was only 25.00 Euro's! She rubbed out knots I didn't even know I had! The hot oil and her magic hands, I'm going to have a massage done at least once every pay period and know that with that I'll be ok without having Chad here! ROFL, just kidding magic hands on the back and neck can't fully replace Chad, but wow, it definately comes in a great 2nd! LOL Oh I'm dreaming about my next massage! :) Oh and if you haven't had one before...RUN and get one, THEY ARE worth it. Ok so those in the states definately charge too much, but well it still feels good!

Wednesday, November 2, 2005

Goodnight, but....

My boys! :)