Monday, December 20, 2004

Calgon anyone?

Today has been one of those days. It actually started last night. Chad had CQ Saturday night. Came home, showered, got dressed for church, went to church, went to friends for lunch we stayed til 4:30, rushed home, wrapped gifts, went back to church for the Christmas party and arrived home at 8:30. We put the boys to bed, and I KNEW Chad would fall asleep. It'd be close to 40 hrs without sleep at that point, unless you count the 40 minutes of a nap he caught between the friends house, home, and drive to church!

Chad started leave today, and needed to go sign out at midnight. I told him I'd wake him up sometime after midnight. I knew it'd be a fight to get him awake, but if he hasn't signed out by 6 am...he would need to be at PT at 6:30 otherwise he's considered AWOL.

Well he didn't want to get up and I know when I'm fighting a losing battle, so I let him be. Woke him when I came to bed, he still wouldn't get up, I said a couple annoyed things to him and went to sleep.

I woke up this morning to Jacob in my bed (not unusual) and Chad gone. Not sure where he was, Jacob wakes up and goes to the living room and I hear him talking to Chad. Come to find out, he woke up at 3:30 and went and signed out!

I get up, and he's being his ever so "pleasant" self.'s going to be a delightful day and he's home ALL day for the next 2 weeks. Yippee.

Well, he's called by a soldier needing his work/office keys so he goes and takes Jacob with him, since Jacob needs to have labs drawn and he's going to be "out".

He comes home, in a much better mood. Of course at this point he's hinting around to wanting well...:/ not exactly what I want to just give at that moment.

He gets more pleasant throughout the day...then he leaves to pick up Jacob from preschool, drop off Christmas Cards at the post office (yes I know they're late going out), the PX to drop off film, and then downtown to fed ex the Christmas gifts to his family, and he needed to stop at WalMart to get a gift card for his step-nephew.

It was a beautiful day here, gorgous! Almost 60! I decide to take Jack for a walk. Come home to 3 messages on my answering machine..we were gone at max a half hour and I had the cell phone with me! I push play and hear my "darling" husband's voice YELLING at me to answer the stupid phone. Oh so not happy at him immediately. I have 2 more messages of him yelling telling me to answer the phone, quit ignoring him, and/or to get off the other line. At this point I'm laughing and seething with anger at the same time. Laughing, because he's so stupid, and angry well that's obvious I hope. I deleted the messages, because no one needs to hear that twice whether they actually heard the whole message or not!

I try to call him on his cell and of course the jerk left it in the van. No voice mail on this one either, I hate this phone of his. I'm so mad at this point. He finally answers and is being a jerk, but I'm yelling at him! We say a few things to each other and he's ordered home.

He comes home, still trying to justify his rudeness and I make sure he understands in no uncertain terms that I will NOT be talked to like that in person, on the phone, or on the answering machine.

I've not talked to him since. I went on a drive. Stopped at the library, drove around, and went to Taco Bell for XL Pepsi and a burrito. I felt better when I got home, still getting an attitude...this time for not picking him up something from TB...well forget him! He's mean to me, he gets NOTHING.

Well, I guess I'm done with my vent. Can't say I feel any better, but it's out.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Who Started Christmas?

Who started Christmas?

This morning I heard a story on the radio of a woman who was out
Christmas shopping with her two children; after many hours of looking at row after row of toys and everything else imaginable, and after hours of hearing both her children asking for everything they saw on those many shelves, she finally made it to the elevator with her two kids.

She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday season time of the year---overwhelming pressure to go to every party, every housewarming, taste all the holiday food and treats, get that perfect gift for every single person on our shopping list, make sure we don't forget anyone on our card list, and the pressure of making sure we respond to everyone who sent us a card.

Finally the elevator doors opened and there was already a crowd in the car. She pushed her way into the car and dragged her two kids in with her and all the bags of stuff.  When the doors closed she couldn't take it anymore and stated, "Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be found, strung up and shot."

>From the back of the car everyone heard a quiet, calm voice respond, "Don't worry.  We already crucified him."

For the rest of the trip down the elevator it was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop.

Don't forget this year to keep the One who started this whole Christmas thing in your every thought, deed, purchase, and word. If we all did it, just think of how different this whole world would be.


Saturday, December 11, 2004


Tonight as I was nursing Jackson I was sitting there looking at this beautiful little boy and how blessed I am. 4 1/2 yrs ago I honestly never thought I'd feel thankful again, much less blessed.

I am blessed in knowing where Jordyn is. Does it make the missing and longing for her to be alive still less,no it doesn't. I do though know she's in Heaven. I don't have to worry like parents of missing/kidnapped children if their child is being hurt in someway, if they're warm, have enough to eat, being taken care of gently, and if they are ever coming home. I know where she is and so in the overall BIG picture...I'm thankful for that knowledge.

I'm so blessed to have these 2 boys of mine. I know that I will never deserve them. I am so thankful that GOD gave them to me though. I will never understand why he thought I should be so blessed in these gifts, but I need to stop questioning him and just start thanking him.

This blessed feeling led me to realize that although I like having material things, I really do know that nothing I can go buy is going to make me whole. I could have more money than any human being alive and it's never going to make my heart whole. It will NEVER bring Jordyn back to life. It will never make time slow down with the boys. Now, it would keep Chad home and away from going to WAR,etc...but in the big picture materialistic things just are NOT what is going to make me happy.

I know only GOD can do that for me. I know that forgiving myself for the things I have blamed myself for over Jordyn's leukemia. For not being the perfect mom all the time. I have to forgive myself for not being the perfect wife, daughter, sister, or friend.

I like buying shoes as much as the next girl does, but do those new shoes really make me happy for the long haul. Nope, it's temporary. Hence why I used to have over 50 pair of shoes that I wore as often as I could (rotating them in and out) and why now I have 2 pair that I wear, I did have 3 but yesterday the lace on my slip on tennis shoe type things broke! LOL I don't have a lot of clothes, because well I hate clothes shopping now. Get fat and you realize how bad clothes are and how unejoyable clothes shopping is.

So, the point. I enjoy material things, but I KNOW I don't need them to be happy. I have to be happy with me, apperciate the people in my life (IRL and online). Tonight I had a beautiful moment watching the boys play in the tub, giggling so hard and just having fun making beards from the bubbles. It's the little things in life that are going to fill me up.

Friday, December 10, 2004

Why Jesus Is Better Than Santa Claus




Santa lives at the North Pole ...
JESUS is everywhere.

Santa rides in a sleigh ...
JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water.

Santa comes but once a year ...
JESUS is an ever present help.

Santa fills your stockings with goodies ...
JESUS supplies all your needs.

Santa comes down your chimney uninvited ...
JESUS stands at your door and knocks, and then enters
your heart when invited.

You have to wait in line to see Santa ...
JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.

Santa lets you sit on his lap ...
JESUS lets you rest in His arms.

Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is
"Hi little boy or girl, what's your name?" ...

JESUS knew our name before we were born.
      Not only does He know our name,
      He knows our address too.
      He knows our history and future and
      He even knows how many hairs are on our heads.

Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly ...
JESUS has a heart full of love

All Santa can offer is HO HO HO ...
JESUS offers health, help and hope.

Santa says "You better not cry" ...
JESUS says "Cast all your cares on me for I care for you."

Santa's little helpers make toys ...
JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs
broken homes and builds mansions.

Santa may make you chuckle but ...
JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.

While Santa puts gifts under your tree ...
JESUS became our gift and died on a tree.... The cross.

We need to put Christ back in CHRISTmas, Jesus is still
the reason for the season.

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only
begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not

perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16

Jesus is the Reason for the Season !

Wednesday, December 8, 2004








Danny Hohlbaun art work


Jacob is in AWANA and for those who do not know what "AWANA" stands for it is this: "Approved Workmen Are Not Ashamed, taken from 2 Timothy 2:15."


I love this program. "

Awana is an international, Bible-centered children's and youth ministry providing local churches with weekly clubs and programs for preschool through high school. Our goal is to equip churches to reach children and teenagers, and their families, with the gospel of Christ and train them to serve Him. (Click here to learn about the hope, vision, mission and values of Awana.) The acronym Awana comes from the first letters of Approved Workmen Are Not Ashamed, taken from 2 Timothy 2:15."

Most importantly Jacob loves it and is learning so much. Every week he learns at least 2 vs. They get rewarded with Awana Bucks and at the end of every session they are allowed to spend their bucks. Tonight my old neighbors girls' attended for the first time. Of course they did not earn any bucks, but Jacob who had saved 8 bucks (2 of them being from tonight) bought the girls an item too. Granted they are those horrible sticky things that you fling and the long part goes out and sticks to something.. but hey the kids love them. I was so proud of him though for opening his heart and sharing what he had.


Jacob is 3 and although he tries me like no one else in this world, he has taught me so much more than I ever imagined a 3 yr old could. (You'd think I'd figure out that children are just wiser than us adults after all the lessons Jordyn taught me!) Jacob always prays at bedtime and adds onto the prayer at meals. He ALWAYS prays for the soldiers in Iraq to be able to come home safe andsoon. We of course got into this habit while my DH was off in Iraq.

I am just going to gloat tonight...I'm really in awe of Jacob and the compassion that is in his heart. I'm a pretty strict mom in a lot of ways. I expect a lot from him, probably more than I should. I want him to have manners, be respectful, but most of all I want him to love, honor, fear, and desire GOD and his love.

I really love that he prays and that it's so important to him. I will be just vain enough to say that I believe I had something to do with instilling in him that prayer is important. I have to say that I'm not picky on what he prays on. Whether it's the soldiers in Iraq or special toys. Granted I don't want his whole prayer to be about SpiderMan and how wonderful SM is! LOL But, I am not going to tell him it's wrong to thank GOD for his toy. I don't see anything wrong with him being thankful for the gifts in his life and for a 3 yr old, toys are a HUGE center of his life.

Ok, now for a vent. (Kelly you can skip've already read it! LOL). I have a friend who I love dearly, but she frustrates me at times to no end. She's well materialistic in the manner that she thinks that if she just buys this or that, her life is going to be better, that she will once again have happiness. Anyways, she told me a couple weeks ago how she got after her 3 yr old son, when he was praying and said he was thankful for his toys.

UGH! Trust me, it's amazing this child prays at all, but to discourage him from being thankful and thanking GOD for the gifts he has been blessed with. I just don't get it. She told him he should instead be thanking GOD for "Mommy, Daddy, etc" Sure he should be thankful for his parents..but well he's 3! Maybe it's just me, but I don't think so! (Mostly because I think I'm the normal one and she's the one off the deep end most of the time! ROFL). (Keep your comments to yourself Kelly! LOL)


Well if you made it this far..good for you! I'm done with my bragging and ranting! :)

Saturday, December 4, 2004

Polar Express

I LOVE THIS MOVIE! We picked up my niece on Thursday and have her til Monday and decided to take the kids to the movies and to the zoo. The zoo was nice, it was a nice day, but what I was really looking forward was going to see this movie.

All I can say is GO SEE IT, no RUN! I'm not like my friend Kelly who goes and see's a lot of movies at the theater. I don't get to go that often and actually I guess chose not to go that often, but when I do I look forward to seeing a good movie. I'm beyond thrilled to say I was NOT disappointed.

For those who believe as I do that CHRISTmas is about Christ, wonderful. I also believe Christmas is about a beautiful feeling inside of our soul. A feeling that life can be joyful and full of hope and I think in many ways that is what Santa gives..a joy and hope that anything is possible. Yes we definately should have that through our Savior. I just know that I as a child believed in Santa and when I found out that he was not "real" I was NOT traumatized or angry or any of that. It's nice to believe in something/someone who brings joy to your life and well makes you giddy.

I watched not only this movie, but Jacob, Bailey, and Jackson watching the movie. Now let me tell you they all did wonderfully in the theater. I wasn't sure of Jackson, we're talking about a little 15 month old here, so you never know how it's going to go! LOL He walked along our row (which was only us), sat in my lap, got his first taste of popcorn and licorice, and enjoyed his cousin's pink lemonade after he had drank all his water! :) I watched these children as their mouths dropped open, as they literally stood holding onto the seats in front of us in anticipation of seeing Santa. I cried. I seriously cried as I watched them watch this movie and watched as they got excited, as they waved their arms back and forth, clapped, so excited.

As we are walking outside he tells us many times how much he loved the movie and thanked us for taking him. Jackson even yelled "yeah" when asked if he liked it! LOL Bailey loved it too! While driving Jacob says, "That was the best movie I've NEVER seen" ROFL! He has yet to learn the difference in ever and never! (He's 3, he has time to learn!)

I recommend this movie to young and old. I am very strict in what I let Jacob watch and this is a movie I think is great for all ages. For the woman who goes maybe once a year to the movies, I'd LOVE to go and see this AGAIN!!!

As soon as it comes out in DVD...I'm buying it!

Tuesday, November 30, 2004



My alarm went off 
It was Sunday again. 
I was sleepy and tired, 
My one day to sleep in. 

But the guilt I would feel 
The rest of the day 
Would have been too much, 
So I'd go and I'd pray. 

I showered and shaved, 
I adjusted my tie, 
I got there and sat 
In a pew just in time. 

Bowing my head in prayer 
As I closed my eyes, 
I saw the shoe of the man next to me 
Touching my own. I sighed. 

With plenty of room on either side, 
I thought, "Why must our soles touch?" 
It bothered me, his shoe touching mine, 
But it didn't bother him much. 

A prayer began: "Our Father" I thought, 
"This man with the shoes has no pride. 
They're dusty, worn, and scratched 
Even worse, there are holes on the side!" 

"Thank You for blessings," the prayer went on. 
The shoe man said a quiet  "Amen." 
I tried to focus on the prayer. 
But my thoughts were on his shoes again. 

Aren't we supposed to look our best 
When walking through that door? 
"Well, this certainly isn't it," I thought, 
Glancing toward the floor. 

Then the prayer was ended 
And the songs of praise began. 
The shoe man was certainly loud, 
Sounding proud as he sang. 

His voice lifted the rafters, 
His hands were raised high, 
The Lord could surely hear 
The shoe man's voice from the sky. 

It was time for the offering 
And what I threw in was steep. 
I watched as the shoe man reached 
Into his pockets so deep. 

I saw what was pulled out, 
What the shoe man put in, 
Then I heard a soft "clink"  as when silver hits tin. 

The sermon really bored me 
To tears, and that's no lie 
It wasn't the same for the shoe man, 
For tears fell from his eyes. 

At the end of the service, 
As is the custom here, 
We must greet new visitors 
And show them all good cheer. 

But I felt moved somehow 
And wanted to meet shoe man 
So after the closing prayer, 
I reached over and shook his hand. 

He was old and his skin was dark, 
And his hair was truly a mess 
But I thanked him for coming, 
For being our guest. 

He said, "My names' Charlie, 
I'm glad to meet you, my friend." 
There were tears in his eyes 
But he had a large, wide grin 

"Let me explain," he said 
Wiping tears from his eyes. 
"I've been coming here for months, 
And you're the first to say 'Hi.'" 

"I know that my appearance 
"Is not like all the rest, 
"But I really do try 
"To always look my best." 

"I always clean and polish my shoes 
"Before my very long walk 
"But by the time I get here, 
"They're dirty and dusty, like chalk." 

My heart filled with pain and 
I swallowed to hide my tears 
As he continued to apologize 
For daring to sit so near. 

He said, "When I get here, 
"I know I must look a sight. 
"But I thought if I could touch you, 
"Then maybe our souls might unite." 

I was silent for a moment 
Knowing whatever was said 
Would pale in comparison. 
I spoke from my heart, not my head 

"Oh, you've touched me," I said, 
"And taught me, in part, 
"That the best of any man 
"Is what is found in his heart." 

The rest, I thought, 
This shoe man will never know 
Like just how thankful I really am 
That his dirty old shoe touched my soul. 

wall cloud picture


I have felt like something's taken over me this evening. Anger, deep down anger and sadness. I don't even know why. I hate feeling like this. I want to cry, but I am so exhausted from being angry. I'm mad that "Mr. Wonderful" was over an hour late. He likes to blame trafic, but it's his mouth that runs for an hour that made him late and we both know it.

I'm overwhelmed at feeling so much. I want to scream and whisper all at once. When does life just take a break? I feel so empty. How do you handle all these feelings that are just boiling up inside of you? I don't know. I don't know how I am supposed to deal with this. I want a break. I want to feel peace inside of me.

I know I need to take this to GOD. I know that, I really do. Yet I can't. Why is it so much easier to pray for others, but I struggle to pray for myself? I feel selfish taking what I believe in my own mind as minor, insignificant things. For some reason it just came over me that maybe I just don't believe GOD will hear MY prayers. I prayed so hard for Jordyn to live and well we see the answer to those prayers. She's dead. Dead, dead, dead. DEAD. I wonder if I write that word over and over again if it'll ever lose it's harshness to me. It's not a surprising feeling, just a stab. I can tell anyone my daughter's dead...but telling myself that, different.

Why did he take her away from me? I know I didn't deserve her. I still loved her with every ounce inside of me though.

What am I seriously doing here? I just feel useless. I feel that I have no point in this life. I don't even know who I am. I'm a mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend I'm told..but who am I? How do so many other people know who they are and I feel like I'm just drifting through this world.

I feel like I'm stuck in the year of 2000, when I had purpose and something driving me.

What kind of mother am I? I have 2 little boys who need me, who depend on me and that's not enough? Oh my gosh what the hell is wrong with me?

Friday, November 19, 2004

When will the fog lift



Tonight my girlfriend and fellow bereaved cancer mom, Kelly reminded me of how I haven't listened to my favorite cd in a long time.

Cindy puts my heart into song. My favorite song is "Water on the Moon". My gosh it hits me like a bullet everytime. Do you have that cd that just reaches into the depths of your soul and puts all those feelings you have out there into words and music. Many who've lost a child to cancer, know Cindy Bullens and know this album. Many probably have all the songs memorized like I do, and I have a good guess Kelly does too.

I don't go into that deep, harsh, hard to climb out of pain very often now, mostly because well I have 2 little boys who are counting on me. They see me cry, they know about their sister, gee Jacob told his preschool class and teachers about her and how she died from cancer and is in Heaven with Jesus! (proud mommy moment there) As proud as I am that we've obviously shared Jordyn, it stabs me in the heart like a dagger that this little boy who loves his sister so much, has never got to hug her, tug on her, make her scream because well he's 3 and she'd be 6! He should be in a middle child role, instead he's like the oldest. I wonder often what he's going to turn out to be like as a young man, father, husband. I pray I don't screw him up. I want so much for my kids, one of the biggest things I want for them I can't give them back...their  big sister. It's like this big slap in the face. I have a scar on my body to prove I have had 3 children. I have stretch marks from 3, I have the love for 3 in my heart, I have room on my lap for 3, but I only live in a 3 bedroom house vs a 4 bedroom. I have toy trucks, army men, swords, Rescue Hero's, etc all over my floor (all over my house)...I want dolls, purses, dress up clothes, barbies scattered about too. I want to paint finger and toe nails, play makeup, and share a dab of my body spray or perfume. I want my daughter to be that mother hen that in my heart I know she would have been. I want a race between a Barbie Jeep that was so loved and the John Deere Gator that rides 2 little boys so perfectly. I want giggles of a girl and 2 little boys in a bedroom.

Will this heartache ever stop? Do I even want it to? I have haunting tune inside of me. Somewhere deep inside it's cries to be heard. I know though that if it's released there would be no stopping. It hurts so much to let go and release. So few understand the depths of agony and heartache,and those who do, oh how I wish they did NOT know.

Where do I turn? I turn to GOD, yet I'm so stubborn and don't listen to him like I should. I should cast my sorrows unto him, but what happens when I let them go? I am I think too weak to let them go. I think in my own way I just have discovered in the last 30 seconds that part of me believes my sorrows keep me strong. Am I losing my mind? I feel like it. I want to know what Heaven is like, yet scared to go there. I'm so unworthy of such perfection. Jordyn wasn't. She belongs there, to enjoy all it's glory. She went through enough hell on this earth.

Contridictions are what you'll find from me I can tell. Don't worry, Kelly. I have officially lost it tonight. I'm not even sure of everything I have written through the tears. I should go back and delete this probably..but it's here and I'm too lazy to just delete it after all this.

I guess this is grief therapy if anything is....

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Am I being tested?

A massive tornado


Today started like any other day. Then Chad came home, took Jacob to preschool, like many days...then the phone rings. I notice the number but figure well he's supposed to go get me some throw away pans so I can take a meal over to a wife who's dh committed suicide :(....oh no he was still at the school and I could hear Jacob SCREAMING bloody-murder in the background. UGh, what could have happened in 10 minutes to bring this on?

They get home, Chad is fuming, I honestly can't recall the last time I saw him this angry at Jacob. He told Jacob he was taking ALL his toys when he got home tonight and he'd have to earn every single toy back, one by one. Then he was sent to his room. I took him, I was still calm! Ha..that lasted about 5 seconds when he had to be placed into his bed by me and was screaming, armys flying all around like a wild animal. It went from bad to worse. The screams kept getting louder, although I honestly do not know how and man those screams were HIGH. He then got out of bed, kicking or hitting the door. That was my last straw. Hello, "Mommy Dearest" I went into take no prisoner's mode and started off gently, then got louder and louder. Sat him in the hallway for a timeout, no he went to hit me (which does NOT happen) and then Daddy got in his face. Screams kept going, the fit continued he was sent back to his room. Finally after about 20 or more minutes he calmed down (potty breaks will help that!LOL) he was allowed to come out and he said sorry. Then he said he wanted to go to school. Of course at this point it's been over half hour after school started, so he could not go and def. not after the fit he threw.

Once he had calmed, ate lunch, and finally laid down for a nap..I started thinking about my post last night. Was I being tested? If so, I think I may have failed miserably because I lost it on that poor kid.

I know one thing, just when I think I have a grip on what it's like parenting a toddler (much less a 3 yr old toddler) I get reminded I know NOTHING! God definately has a sense of humor. I'd love to sit and talk with him and find out how he'd handle the situation. I'm sure that even though we're adults we're often like 3 yr olds throwing a temper tantrum when we do not get what we want, ask for, or justplain expected from GOD and through life.

When Jordyn died, I stopped going to church, so in that way I was like a 3 yr old. Rebelling: kicking and screaming and telling God why we SHOULD have our way.

I will TRY to keep this in mind the next time Jacob or Jackson decide to throw a temper tantrum. It won't excuse it, but maybe I can be more understanding of their frustration...well I doubt it, but we'll see!

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Leukemia is not my daughter

I wrote the following text in a webpage/journal. This was taken from a time when she was dying, but we still had hope that maybe, just maybe she'd get a miracle....I honestly sat here tonight amazed that my 23 yr old mind was able to reach this conclusion and I feel proud of that woman I was even then. Yes, it's only been 4 1/2 yrs but when you burying a child a huge part of your soul goes with her. You see things differently than even when you KNEW they wedying. They were still here, you could still hold her, smell her, kiss her, etc.'s what my profound thoughts were that day 4 1/2 yrs ago....


Having a child with leukemia, is a struggle! Those who have a child who has a serious illness, know what I mean, yet I have to say, the disease is not the important thing. Leukemia is not our daughter, it is in our daughters' body, but it is not what makes her who she is! Jordyn was who she was long before she got leukemia, and so many loved her long before her body was ill! Do not feel sorry for us, feel sorry for those who have not been blessed to have met Jordyn, either through the net, or in real life!
So many of you only know Jordyn by the words I type here, let me tell you, she is amazing!!!!!!!!


I'm so greatful that I got it. That I understood just how precious she was. I often try to go back in time and am fearful that maybe I did not treasure all those "little" moments like I should..but I know I did. I loved painting her toe nails as much as she loved having them painted. I loved swishing the blow dryer over her nearly bald head. Hearing giggles come out of her from a good time being tickled, running away from someone, or for any reason or thing she found funny.

I miss this little girl of mine. I miss all the things I love(d) about her. I miss all the things I never got to experience with or through her. Mostly I miss feeling her in my arms and smelling her head. There's something very precious about a small child who cuddles into you to be rocked and comforted by their Mommy.

I love my boys, don't get me wrong, they are everything to me. I just miss my girl. No future daughter could or would ever take her place. I hope that if we have a little girl, she'llhave a piece of Jordyn in her though. She was amazingly ornery and facinatingly sweet. She was the perfect, Jordyn Ashleigh.

Monday, November 15, 2004

She was like a rose

She was planted and wanted immediately

She came out full of beauty that seems so rare

She brought a peace to me

A happiness I never knew.

I held on tight, not quite knowing why

Slowly she started to say good-bye

In the midst of what was to be her glory

In the early morning hours she left my life

I can still smell her, feel her, and sometimes

Just sometimes I can even hear the laughter

That was her.

She came and left with a beauty almost untold

But for a while I was the one

Who saw in her eyes. I'll never let her beauty

Truly Die

In My Daughter's Eyes

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the
world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me
strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Please Come Home Soon

comebacksoon.jpg (18473 bytes)


Come Home Soon lyrics
I put away the groceries
And I take my daily bread
I dream of your arms around me
As I tuck the kids in bed

I don't know what you're doin'
And I don't know where you are
But I look up at that great big sky
And I hope you're wishin' on that same
bright star

I wonder, I pray

And I sleep alone
I cry alone
And it's so hard livin' here on my own
So please, come home soon
(Come home soon)

I know that we're together
Even though we're far apart
And I'll wear our lucky penny 'round my neck
Pressed to my heart

I wonder, I pray

And I sleep alone
I cry alone
And it's so hard livin' here on my own
So please, come home soon
(Come home soon)

I still imagine your touch
It's beautiful missing something that much
But sometimes love needs a fighting chance
So I'll wait my turn until it's our turn to dance

I wonder, I pray

I sleep alone
I cry alone
Without you this house is not a home
So please, come home soon

I walk alone
I try alone
I'll wait for you, don't want to die alone
So please, come home soon

Come home soon
Come home soon

Come Home Soon (to hear the song click)

This song is so perfect and I have seen the video so I know it's for military wives. This really describes how I felt when Chad was in Iraq and I know how I'll feel when he goes to Korea.

It's overwhelming to think that he's going to be gone for so long. How does a wife live without her husband for 18 months? How do you parent without your partner for so long? I'm scared. My kids are losing so much. I'm losing so much, and yes even my dh is. I wish by some miracle we could get out of his Korea tour. I hate it. I feel sick when I really sit down and think about it. The loneliness of not having him here was so overwhelming when he was in Iraq and that was only for 9 months, to think it'll be literally twice as long. Sure he'll get to come home for midtour leave and there's even rumors that they may give them 2 leaves since it's for 18 months..but big deal. We'll get just enough time to get used to him being home, for them to rip him out of our home and he'll have to go back. I hate this part of the ARMY. I HATE IT.

I get scared to death thinking of him retiring, but to think that I won't have to worry about him being sent over to some insane country or just far, far, far away.

Since I'm obviously venting here, I am SO sick of people asking me if the boys and I are going to Korea. Asking Why not, when the answer is no, and then telling me how they have met wives who went to Korea with their husbands. Well good for them. 1. I have NO desire to go to Korea, NONE, NOT 1 tiny itty bitty desire or any other Asian country..I just don't want to go there. 2. I can't go, even if I wanted to. His MOS does not allow accompanied tours. I get so sick of people who know about the length of their pinky finger tip on the Military, telling me what I should or shouldn't do..or better yet what THEY would do. HA! If it worked that way, do you think anyone's husband would be going to Korea or anywhere else without their spouces for that matter? Ummm, no! It's the Army, that's life. It doesn't mean I always like it, or want to accept it...but I have no choice.


Ok I'm done now. I really feel better! BTW, anyone who actually knows me and is reading this with my knowledge knows I'm not talking about you, but primarily strangers or those I've met or talked to a couple times.

Now it's time for bed. 3 am is really just too late, when you have nursery at church in the morning. Lets hope I only have a few. Thank goodness my helper is one of the sweeties that I really like! :)

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

I want to write :)

I feel like writing, although I already just sent an entry. Maybe it's me, but aren't there times when you just want to talk or write even if you really have nothing to say? I seldom have much to actually say to people, although I can use a lot of words! I know that makes no sense, but in my head I know what I'm talking about.

I have discovered something about me since Jordyn died. I don't NEED people that much. I like having at least 1 or 2 close neighbors. Right now I have none. I like 1 of my neighbors, but I don't feel close to her at all. I had another neighbor that I liked and enjoyed visiting with, but never felt close to her. Before we moved to this house we lived in an apartment. When we first moved there we had 2 WONDERFUL neighbors who to this day I'm still in touch with and love and miss so much. This is probably the worst thing about military life. You meet great friends and then one of you moves, never knowing if you'll live close to them again, but praying you will (if you both remain in the military that is).

Right now I'm lonely. I keep praying for 1 really good neighbor. The problem is I'm picky, probably too picky. I want someone who's a Christian, doesn't smoke, doesn't cuss, doesn't cheat on her husband, is not dependant on seeing or even talking to me every single day, preferably has children the same age (not a requirement though). Gee in the military am I asking for too much? Yes, I know nearly impossible, not completely but pretty darn close. Ok, now I am willing to be friends with someone who cusses, but they do have to respect that we don't and not to cuss around me or at the very least make a true attempt not to. The smoking thing is big for me and anyone who knows me, knows this. What's funny though is that one of my friends from when we lived in the apartment, "A" she actually did smoke. When we met though and she and I got close and she came to know Jordyn she quit smoking. She said that the guilt that she was hurting her son with her smoking was just too much. I will give her credit, she barely smoked...many days she never even had one. She's an amazing person and I love her so much. I wish she lived here still. Her husband got out though and they moved back to her hometown. I actually just got to see her, of course the visit just made me miss her that much more. She has a little girl now that's 1 1/2 months younger than Jackson. She has a little boy who's 2 yrs older than Jacob and they play so well together. She was the kind of friend who if I needed someone to watch Jacob she would. (Side note: when she was smoking still she would NEVER smoke while she did have Jacob and wouldn't allow her husband to smoke inside!) I never worried about leaving Jacob with her, and if she lived here wouldn't think twice to leave Jackson with her too. My other neighbor "D" was amazing too. I miss those kind of neighbors to much. People you can laugh with, be stupid with, stay up on the phone together listening to your crazy neighbors fight and try to kill one anothers (yes another joy of the military housing life!). Now I'm on a street where 99% of my neighbors smoke, they cuss (1 of them Cuss's and calls her children 5 &2 vulgar names), and honestly I have no idea if they're Christians or not...I'm not holding my breath.

I told Chad yesterday that I'm so lonely and just want 1 good friend here. His response was "you have me". I told him that I know I do, but it's not the same. My best friends are people I've met online. I talk to them everyday almost. I'd be lost without 3 of them. T,K, and E. K always makes me laugh...oh my gosh, girl I love you. E is such a blessing to me, she makes me laugh, smile, cry, and holds me in awe of her faith. T, I love her.

Well I suppose I should end this, it's prob. over my limit! I guess I could go to bed..but well anyone who knows me knows that's just not going to happen this early! ROFL! I know I'm sad!

I Am A Christian

by Maya Angelou

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin."
I'm whispering "I was lost,"
Now I'm found and forgiven.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need CHRIST to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
and need HIS strength to carry on.

When I say.. "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
but, God believes I am worth it.

When I say.. "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain,
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
who received God's good grace, somehow.


  This is possibly the best discription of me as a Christian as I've seen. I often feel like such scum and a failure as a Christian. I gossip, I lie (even if unintentional), I hurt others and myself, I am not always kind to others, I jump on people so quickly that my own head spins sometimes.   I'm thankful that I don't have to live this life on my own though. Wow, talk about a mess then. I know what it's like to live a life without Christ. I "thought" I was having fun and had no care in the world. I worried all the time though. I was miserable. Drinking, going to parties, meeting guys, falling in and out of what I thought was love. I'm honestly so ashamed of my past. I'm amazed when people say, "oh I wouldn't want to change anything about my past." Ha, I would and a lot of it. I wish I would have been a virgin when I met my husband. I wish I had never been so drunk that I woke up places freaking out wondering where I was and how I got there (that's scary). I was searching for something and someone to make me whole...let me tell you in that short amount of time I did A LOT of searching. I do NOT want my children to know the things I did. I can laugh at a few of the things, but it's more of an embarrassed laugh, than an "oh well..hehe" laugh.   Thank GOD he sent Jesus to die for us.

Friday, November 5, 2004

In Love With A Soldier

If you're not in love with a soldier, you can't know adventure. You
don't know smelly gray PT uniforms that require a daily washing. You
can't understand green and brown camouflaged bags flooding your
bedroom floor.

If you're not in love with a soldier, you can't understand the
meaning of the phrase "going to the field" and the weeks you spend
away from each other.

If you're not in love with a soldier, you can never imagine the
whole in your heart when that phone call comes "Honey, I am leaving
tomorrow to go overseas. I don't know how long I will be gone or
exactly where I am going, but I want you to know that I love you -

If you're not in love with a soldier, you don't know what it's like
to say that final good-bye. You don't know what it really means to
be glued to the television. You don't understand fear and you can't
possibly understand the sleepless nights of endless crying wondering
if you will ever see the love of your life alive again.

If you're not in love with a soldier, you can't know the immense
joy, the uncontrollable smile, or the butterflies in your stomach
when you see your soldier march into the family waiting area upon
redeployment. You can't understand the self-control it takes to
stand on the other
side of the room as some higher-up gives a seemingly endless welcome
home speech while all the soldiers stand in formation. You don't
know what it's like to have that second first kiss or what it's like
experience puppy love all over.

If you're not in love with a soldier, you can't truly understand how
to make every moment count because you never know when that phone
call may come again.

If you're not in love with a soldier, you can never really
understand how very delicate life is!


I had this a few months ago and did not put it up. How quickly my mind drifts away from things sometimes. I hope those who read this let it touch their hearts as much as it did mine.

Now onto other things. Tomorrow, well ok so it's already officially "tomorrow" anyways the point is that I'm getting some just ME time. I am going to start scrapbooking! I'm really looking forward to getting started and hope to at least get 2 pages done. Chad's taking the boys for no less than 4 hrs. It will be the longest I have EVER been away from Jackson other than the 1st night of his life when he was swept off to NICU after he was born. I'm looking forward to it, but can't help but be nervous. He'll be with his Daddy, but it's about me as far as how I feel.

I guess we will see. I know this will be good for all of us, well Jackson and me. He's my baby. I'm going to try to just enjoy the quiet time I will have to focus on something I'm so excited to start!

It's supposed to be beautiful here tomorrow so hopefully Chad will take the boys to a park. I must admit I wish I could follow them around video taping them, because I think it'll be hilliarious to see him with both boys. Jacob is easy enough to deal with for the most part, but add on Jackson who's constantly on the go, into know normal 14 month old little boy. I'm sure he'll come home needing a nap! Sadly he's going to be put to work we're cleaning the living room tomorrow afternoon/evening and moving furniture around! Next week I hope to get to either our bedroom or Jackson's bedroom and get them organized and let them be a calmer place to enter into vs the horror that they are right now! Chad has a 4 day weekend next week(end) so we should be able to get both rooms and maybe even this crazy room organized! Then next will be Jacob's room and just picking through things in the kitchen. Then it'll be upkeep! Then it's time to hit the outside storage! That's what REALLY scares me! But it all MUST be done...wish us luck that we don't get lost in our belongings that neither of us can ever seem to part with! We're packrats...ok I'm feeling rather low now thinking of all this work, so I'll end on a high note and smile that I get to look at my children's faces tomorrow and laugh through some memories! :)


Thursday, November 4, 2004

My Name Is I Am (2nd entry of the night)

    "My name is I Am"
He paused. I waited.  He continued:
        "When you live in the past with its mistakes and regrets, it is hard.  I am not there.  My name is not I WAS.  When you live in the future, with its problems and fears, it is hard.  I am not there.  My name is not I WILL BE.  When you live in this moment, it is not hard.  I am here.  My name is I AM."


This hit my heart and will not leave it. How much more truth and basic can we get. God is here today with us. So often I take for granted that I can talk to him anytime during the day or night. This is something I am working on.

Well I better get to bed. All too soon the boys will be up and ready to start their day. Jacob thankfully does not have preschool on Friday's so our day isn't all broken up from having to take him to and pick him up from school.

God Bless

A poem to share

Send the Children to Bed With a Kiss
(author unknown)

Oh, mothers, so weary, discouraged,
Worn out with the cares of the day,
You often grow cross and impatient,
Complain of the noise and the play.
For the day brings many vexations,
So many things go amiss.
But, mothers, whatever may vex you,
Send the children to bed with a kiss.

The dear little feet often wander,
Perhaps from the pathways of right.
The dear little hands find new mischief
To try you from morning 'til night.
But think of the desolate mothers
Who'd give all the world for your bliss.
And as thanks for your infinite blessings,
Send the children to bed with a kiss.

For someday their noise will not vex you.
The silence will hurt you far more.
You will long for the sweet childish voices,
For a sweet childish face at the door.
And to press a child's face to your bosom,
You'd give all the world just for this.
For the comfort t'will give you in sorrow,
Send the children to bed with a kiss.


This was shared on a board that I read and it touched my heart beyond belief. Yesterday I was sitting here at the computer and looking at a picture of Jordyn and me when we were in Germany. We were on the top of a Castle Ruin not too far from where we lived. I loved going there. It had this beautiful view and was so peaceful. There was tons of tree's and a beautiful brooke that ran across the road. It brought back those days of innocence. The days that life would go on forever. Looking at Jordyn and that precious, beautiful, happy, perfect face. My arms have not ached for her like that in a long time. I sat here sobbing wanting nothing more than to have her in my arms.   Time does not erase. Time does not "fix". It's not always kind, and it's not a healer. I do believe that we learn to live with the pain and sadness though.   Well I guess that's all for this post. More either later or another day...

Saturday, October 2, 2004

Passion of the Christ

We just finished watching The Passion of the Christ maybe 30 minutes ago. I could hardly speak. Chad asks me "well how'd you like it". It felt like possibly the most absurb thing and stupidest question/statement he could say at that moment. There are truly so few words. I sat there in almost horror as they tortured our Savior. The tears were few, but yet I felt them inside. It was like I was dry on the outside except for the few that could come out. I covered my eyes so many times, I was afraid to see what they had done to him next. Afraid of him looking into my soul and seeing just how unworthy I am.

I tried to go to bed, but in those few moments of just laying there I knew sleep would not be coming to me for a while.

So here I am. I have so many feelings inside of me and feel almost frustrated that I can not find the words to really describe them.

I do not understand how anyone could or does deny our Lord and Savior. How could anyone doubt that Jesus was born to die for us? I don't get it, I really don't. I have those moments of how could Jesus had been really a human and walked among other humans. Why would he want to be part of us? We are so unoworthy of his life, his love, his death.

I kept thinking about Jordyn and as crazy as this may sound, what she went through was nothing it seems like. Yet, I kept thinking at the same time that in so many ways it feels like Satan was almost ravaging through her blood as the leukemia. I know I sound crazy, but it's what kept going through my mind. She was not beaten almost to death. Nor did she have stakes driven through her hands and feet...yet she had something inside of her destroying her precious beautiful body and that would eventually seperate our souls from each other until that Glorious day I join her either through my own death or because JESUS returns to rule this earth.

I am still just almost I guess the closest word would be awe struck. I don't know any other words that could come close to describing how I feel. Oh how unworthy am I....


If you have not seen this movie, I truly think you should. I think everyone should HAVE to watch this. No it's not easy. It's not a movie you'll sit down with a bowl of popcorn and a glass of Pepsi with, but you need to watch this movie.

Friday, September 10, 2004


I am so just tired of people, well one in particular. I'll call her TEN. She's pretended to be someone that I don't think she is. She pretended to care about me and my family and I truly think it was all a lie.

I'm hurt beyond belief. I just do not understand how someone can say they believe in things and then just turn away from them. She's not the person she claimed to be and that makes me sad. I gave her my friendship, heart, ear, shoulder. I stood up for her when no one else would. I listened to her online and on the phone when she felt she was not being treated the way she felt she should be. I don't know if I've ever regretted giving my heart to someone like I do her. I am just so sad that I let myself be sucked into a person who is not true to herself and is so lost it seems that she brings others down.

I've gotten her out of my life and I hope that with this journal I can feel like I can let her go completely. :(

Friday, August 20, 2004


He called! Finally!! I got to talk to him for about an hour! Oh it was sooo good to hear his voice. I went to check to see if I could stir Jacob for a moment when Chad called and he did stir and was able to talk to Chad for a moment. He was falling asleep while talking to Daddy, but I pray he remembers in the morning that he did talk to him.

Chad's doing well, really busy. They go out on missions constantly. They are getting so close to coming home. I just am so anxious for him to get home.

We decided tonight that I'm to look into what it will take to do an oversea's adoption. We know of 2 sisters who are currently in Maryland who need that forever family and that's why they are in the states right now. I want them. The little one who's 4 her name is Olga, when  I saw a picture of her I  knew she was to be MINE. They actually had her name wrong and had her matched up as the sister of a little boy, and her age was supposedly 6 1/2. Well Ivan the little boy does have a sister, Maria and that is the correct age. They are staying with my friend and she's in love with them..please pray that her husband will open his heart because she wants to adopt them.

Chad is open to it and I'm to see what all we will need to do, etc. I'm going to call Beth in the morning. Oh my gosh, I could have 2 little girls growing up in MY HOME!!! Oh this would be such a blessing to me. I know that sounds selfish, but I feel like when I look at her picture, I'm supposed to be her Momma. I do not know how else to describe this unless you've been there and had those feelings for a child you've never met, but needs that home and family. It was like looking at her picture she was looking into my soul.

I'm in such a better mood now. I am hoping I can get to sleep in the next hour. It's 12:24 am and I have not been getting much sleep and am always so exhausted come morning, that I lay on the couch trying to feel like I can get up and get going.

Well...I guess I need to go. Thank you GOD for allowing Chad a chance to call me and we even got about 2 minutes to chat online and he was able to see some new pictures of the boys! It's killing him to be missing out on them and kills him that he's missed Jacob's 1st day of preschool and missing Jackson's 1st steps, he asked me not to tell him anymore of Jackson's 1st. He said he knows that Jackson will be walking when he gets home. I don't know if he will or not. I'm in no hurry...the time frame we're looking at it could really go either way. Jackson's really close to just doing it and has no problem taking a step or two here and there and will stand unassisted a lot and picks things up, stands up from the floor with nothing there to hold onto, etc.

God Bless

Thursday, August 19, 2004

Chad..where are you?

I haven't talked to Chad in nearly 4 weeks. This coming Sunday will be 4 weeks straight from not talking to him.

We've talked online a couple weeks ago and the last time was for a couple hours. I missed him I think it was last week (I'd have to look it up) on I.M. which makes me sad, but.....

I'm feeling mad at him for not calling. I'm upset that I even feel the slightest big angry with him over this, because I know I've been spoiled..but I do. I want to hear his voice and hear that he's ok. We've lost another soldier from post t his week and so I know the phones were down, but ugh.

I know that Chad's doing the best he can. I struggle though. I struggle with worrying about him and trying to keep things going here. My house is a mess. I just don't want to do anything. I have no motivation. You'd think having 2 little boys to chase around, one being a crawler/cruiser/almost walker I'd have things more tip-top..but it's just the opposite.

I hate feeling so overwhelmed and sad. Jacob started preschool and I was so mad at Chad, because we haven't talked I know he has no idea that Jacob's started school. Jacob wanted to talk to him so badly and it breaks my heart that I can't fix that for him. I feel like I'm failing Jacob, even though I have NO control over it.

Oh I just want him to CALL! right now I'd settle for a 5 minute call saying, "I'm ok, I miss you, I love you, bye. "

I just need to know he's ok.


Ok, I'm done complaining....


I'm sitting here watching as Carly Patterson won GOLD for the women's individual and have goose bumps. Earlier today as I was driving and listening to the radio, our local Christian station they didn't even warn..just announced the results. I was ticked off! Oh well, watching her win and then celebrate gave me goosebumps and true chills. I love watching the Olympics. This year I was thrilled to see shot put actually on and televised! The women's prelims were on VERY late one night and I stayed up and watched, but the next day the finals were on. I dreamed of throwing the shot in the Olympics and although it will never happen, it was so thrilling for me to see it on tv! Jacob was pretending that he was throwing it and Jackson crawled up to the tv and was watching it. I still have the shot put that I broke our high school record with (it was a 17yr old record!!). I think I've been amazed at how quickly I've gone back to those feelings of nervousness and confidence mixed in as one. I wish I felt that way more often today. I guess a lot of it was being young and naive as well. I'm a better person today and I'm happy for that. I wouldn't want to be 16 -18 again.

I loved watching Jacob watching the olympics. He was pretending to be doing some of the gymnastics. He thought he was so cool! LOL

I guess I'm going to end this one. I have another journal I'm going to write, but it's a different subject.


I'm sitting here watching as Carly Patterson won GOLD for the women's individual and have goose bumps. Earlier today as I was driving and listening to the radio, our local Christian station they didn't even warn..just announced the results. I was ticked off! Oh well, watching her win and then celebrate gave me goosebumps and true chills. I love watching the Olympics. This year I was thrilled to see shot put actually on and televised! The women's prelims were on VERY late one night and I stayed up and watched, but the next day the finals were on. I dreamed of throwing the shot in the Olympics and although it will never happen, it was so thrilling for me to see it on tv! Jacob was pretending that he was throwing it and Jackson crawled up to the tv and was watching it. I still have the shot put that I broke our high school record with (it was a 17yr old record!!). I think I've been amazed at how quickly I've gone back to those feelings of nervousness and confidence mixed in as one. I wish I felt that way more often today. I guess a lot of it was being young and naive as well. I'm a better person today and I'm happy for that. I wouldn't want to be 16 -18 again.

I loved watching Jacob watching the olympics. He was pretending to be doing some of the gymnastics. He thought he was so cool! LOL

I guess I'm going to end this one. I have another journal I'm going to write, but it's a different subject.

Monday, August 9, 2004

thinking of Chad

I was able to talk to Chad Saturday night and it was so nice. It was online chatting, but hey it's better than nothing. We haven't talked on the phone in over 2 weeks and that brings me down, so I'm trying not to think about that.

We are getting closer to him coming home. I just want him out of Iraq. I know I will not be able to let go of the total breath that I'm constantly holding, but will be able to exhale some once he's in Kuwait.

I'm trying not to get too excited for his  homecoming yet, at least not until he tells me "hey I'll be home on such and such date" or I get the official phone call from the company saying "Chad will be home on, be here at this time". We will not get much of a heads up from the Army which is for Chad's safety. I'm just ready, now for him to be home.

Jackson's making strides, so please check out his webpage and take a look at the journal. I need to update Jacob's page today or tomorrow. I also updated Jordyn's caringbridge site as well.

 I guess that's it.

Wednesday, August 4, 2004


I'm tired. I am tired of drama in my life that I guess I am creating. I'm tired of feeling like I have no one in my life that I feel truly close to. I want friends to talk to late at night on my patio or in their yard, etc.

It seems I have lost a good friend tonight and I'm just numb. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I guess I suck at all of this. I have lost a few online friends or to be exact aquiantances, but tonight it was a FRIEND.

I'm the kind of person who needs to talk things out. I am also a fly by the handle person. I will most often email someone because it's easier for me than to talk to them, especially when it's something  possibly controversial.

I have had a headache for about 4 hrs now, it's starting to subside with the help of ibprofren. I am seriously thinking of taking a break from the computer all together for a week or 2, to get my head cleared and figure out what is wrong with me.

Maybe I'm at that "misery loves company" stage. I don't know. I didn't think I was, but maybe I am. I know I miss my husband more than any English words could explain. I know that I'm lonely on the level of day to day contact (outside of the internet world). I know that more often than not I can't share what's truly in my heart for fear of hurting someone that I care about.

I'm tired of walking on egg shells and people who I didn't think I had to walk on them around, have shown me that I was wrong.

I see now why some people become hermits. It's really much easier I think. To escape people and be alone with GOD. At this point just bring my husband home and let me be with my family and a couple friends and just clear my head and my heart.

I don't even know what else to say. I'm just so sad.....

Wednesday, July 28, 2004


Well this is my first entry. I am actually very tired and will soon be going to sleep. I've been pretty stressed lately. I've always believed that we allow people to hurt us, that we control that, but honestly it's hard to keep that control when you're the one being hurt.

I recently found that people who I truly believed to be people who cared about me, do not. It's sad to see friendly relationships end, but I had to do what was best for me, my family, and most of all my sanity. I am just a person who loves the LORD and can only take so much.

I am not the most tolerant person. I am very intollerant of people putting my husband and his job down. He's in the Army and he's over there fighting this war. He believes in what we are doing. I am sick and tired of people who only watch CNN, etc and think they KNOW the truth. They know nothing. They are ignorant and I'd rather slap them than have to read their idiotic posts and emails.

I know that paragraph did not sound like a good Christian woman at all. :( I love the Lord and strive to walk the life he has given me and make him proud. I know that all too often, well actually far too often I fail at this walk miserably.

This is really going to be a place for me to just share my thoughts, views, opinions, etc. I may just totally blow off steam here one day and the next have only wonderful things to talk about.

I am going to end now. I'm tired and it's time to go to bed.