Thursday, March 31, 2005

Jordyn's 7th Birthday

That picture of Jordyn and Chad (Daddy) was taken when she was exactly 1 week old, it was the night before Chad left for Germany.

Yesterday was Jordyn's 7th birthday. I can't even imagine what it must be like to have a 7 yr old. I try so hard to picture what she would look like and I just can't. I can't see what her face would have matured to look like. What color her hair would be or how long it would be. She was such a girly-girl and I wonder, would she still be?

My heart screams out, but no one can hear it. As it rained off and on all day yesterday, I thought of how perfect the weather was for my mood. Break through tears kept coming, and I never knew when to expect them, how long they would last, or when they would stop, or come again.

Last night at the moment she was born, I started a video of her. It was right when we'd gotten to Germany, the video was from the time she was 7 months old til she was almost 9 months old (Christmas). It was beautiful to see her, hear her, and almost feel her in my arms. Watching myself and Chad hold her, play with her oh how I miss the feel of her in my arms. I cried many times, but to hear those sweet noices coming out of her, seeing her wave at us. I thank GOD everyday we have those video's, even if I can't watch them everyday, to know I have them and can watch them when ever I want is a blessing like no other.

I look at my boys and wonder what I did to deserve them. I'm so thankful for them. I'm sad for them too. They "know" their sister, yet they will Never "get to know" their sister, not the way they were supposed to.

I know one day I will be with my sweet girl again. I know the ache in my heart will never stop or go away. I know some wish it would, but those who wish that are just uncomfortable in my grief. That is their problem, not mine.

For many bereaved cancer parents and possibly other bereaved parents Cindy Bullens is a known and loved musician and writer. She has an album written of her pain and raw feelings after her daughter, Jesse died from cancer, here's one of her songs and the title of the particular cd that is so beloved by me and many others.

"Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth

I curse the night

I watched you slip away

Wouldn't have done good

To beg you to stay

You were here beside me

But now you're gone

I'm just trying hard

To carry on

But there's no rhythm in the rain

There's no magic in the moon

There's no power in this pain

Till somwhere between heaven and earth

I can find you again

Hearts are broken

And dreams are lost

But I made a promise to love

At any cost

Little did I know

The price was so high

Losing forever

In the blink of an eye

There's no rhythm in the rain

there's no wishes in the stars

There's no power in this pain

Till somewhere between heaven and earth

I can hold you again

If I could one more time

Feel your hand in mine

Here you voice call my name

And whisper sweet good night

Then there'd be rhythm in the rain

There'd be magic in the moon

No such thing as love in vain

And somewhere between heaven and earth

You'd be with me again

And I could see you again

And I could you again, my baby

Somewhere between heaven and earth...

I will see you again


Thank you Cindy for writing these songs and giving us music and words that describe our pain so well. I truly believe that unless you've lost a child you just can not comprehend the pain. I would never want anyone to know this heartache.



Friday, March 25, 2005

Sneaks up on you

The days in March always seem to sneak up on me. My friend, Kelly's son's birthday is on the 21st, then Jordyn's dx day is March 24.March 30 is Jordyn's birthday. Yesterday of course was Jordyn's anniversary. Six years. 6 yrs! How does the time keep passing me by? Where does it go? I can feel those feelings still. I can feel my life taking a dive into a world I knew existed, but never thoug ht I'd ever know anything about it personally. I long for those days of being naive. 

I find myself reacting first, praying later. I know for me I don't always realize that I'm being what others call "overly emotional". I don't know if that's really an accurate term, it's being real. It's being human. I know most do not truly understand these feelings, and I wouldn't want them to. I'm thankful for the friends I have who unfortunately get it. I wish they didn't, but because they do, I'm thankful we have each other.

Thank you to those who have been there for me. Kelly,
I know you read this and you have been here for me the longest as far as friends who "get it". I love you. I know March is hard for you too and neither of us look forward to May. You lift me up more than you ever know.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

We're Moving!!!!!

Well I'm not sure if I have told all of you Chad was supposed to go to Korea for 18 months, starting in June. Well we found out today that he's not going! In June of '03 he re-enlisted. We wanted to go to Germany. The only way for us to do that was to agree for Chad to go to Korea for 18 months. We got a pretty nice bonus with it. We prayed and prayed over this and it was not easy, but felt it was what we were supposed to do.


Well today we found out that he's not going to Korea! We are ALL going to Germany in July! We are all so excited! We know there's a good chance he'll be deployed to Iraq from Germany, but that's something we are prepared for, we don't particularly want it, but it's part of our life in the Army.


I can't believe in less than 4 months we'll be moving! We are still going to Disney World in May, so we're looking forward to that! We have the St.Baldrick's Event in April, so we're going to be very busy over the next 4 months!

Please keep us in your prayers!

God Bless

Thursday, March 10, 2005

New Weight Loss Journal

I have a new joural. The other one I messed up and deleted the journal instead of the website. I'm deleting the website, and will keep my progress up to date on my Weight loss.

There's the link.I'll have it in with the other journal links as well! :)

Tuesday, March 8, 2005

Moving Woe's


One of Chad's soldiers (the wife is a friend of mine) they're moving. They actually leave tomorrow, after housing comes through and clears them. They were supposed to clear Monday, but were no where ready. They had just got their moving truck Sunday night, were not fully packed yet, and cleaning oh my did they still need to clean. Chad was over there from about 2:30 til after 11. Then I went over there til after 2 am and helped clean.

They were able to get clearing pushed back til tomorrow (Wed) and tonight they called and they're still not done cleaning! Chad's over there right now! It's 12:16, and he has to be up in about 5 1/2 hrs for PT. He doesn't "have" to always have a lot of sleep, but seriously they knew at 5 that they were going to need help, it'd been nice if they'd called then and after dinner Chad could have went over and been home at a decent hour.

Now I'm not one to say I get things done early by any means, but seriously when you know you're moving, you start packing a few weeks ahead of time. Not everything is their fault, Paul has/had a horrible platoon leader (who was/is Chad's too). I can't say anything nice about him, so I'll just leave it at I don't like the lazy son of a gun! :)

Well I just had to vent a little. I'm all for procastination, but have to say this is rediculous! LOL

Have a good night!

Sunday, March 6, 2005

Weight Loss Journal

I've started a weight loss journal. If you want to keep up with my weight loss feel free to check there. Here's the link. I'll also be adding it to my links.

Stupidity Alert!! LOL

I should have mentioned my friend Rebekah, is not stationed at the same post we are at. They're in Virginia for now and we're in Kansas. She's soon going to be closer though!! We will get to see each other in the next month or two, I'm really excited to see and her boys. Don't know if we'll get to see Donald, because he's going to be going back to school for a few weeks!


Thanks for all the sweet and kind comments. Sorry for my lapse of using my brain! :)

Saturday, March 5, 2005



My friend Rebekah,, she's moving in a few days. They've lived at the base for 7 yrs now. As she was describing the excitement and even the sadness that goes along with moving, I felt my chest get heavy, and tears were welling up in my eyes before I even knew what was happening. I have taken a few moments since she signed off to figure out why I felt SO emotional. I think I know why. They are the last of friends who we're still in regular contact still at Ft.Belvoir and they're leaving. They're a connection of Jordyn. Although they've moved to a different place from where they lived at when we were stationed there.

I'm so happy for them, because they deserve a fresh new start, and being at one post for so long, is really hard. Rebekah's been my dear friend for 7 yrs now, and if anyone deserved a move they do. I'm in awe of what God's done in their life and so excited to see where he leads them to next.

As much as my heart was in my throat, as I've been writing this (I got distracted for a while! :) ) I am so happy and excited for them on this next stop in their life.

I'm amazed at how something that's happening to someone else, can bring on emotions you don't expect. It's amazing though and I'm always in awe of emotions and how God shows us the light, always when we don't expect it! :)

God Bless

Part 2 of Duke and the Great Pie War! :)

Click to enlarge

Ok well I just thought after I closed the last journal, I didn't explain what the new movie is about! So 1. here's the link! Duke and the Great Pie War

Joust Do It! Meet sweet Princess Petunia as the Veggie friends get medieval in this timeless story of love, courage, and flying pies!

When the armies of Rhubarb go to battle against the Kingdom of Scone, the Great Pie War breaks out and things get reeeally messy! Sweet Petunia, a charming young rhubarb, is forced to flee her home and live in a tree stump in a foreign land! When the Duke (Larry the Cucumber) learns of the Princess's plight, he risks his life to help her and learns that true love means thinking of others first.

This prequel to King George and the Ducky is based on the biblical tale of Ruth and Naomi. Filled with "serf" music, hurling catapults of slime and loads of silliness, Duke and the Great Pie War delivers a royal lesson in loving your family!

Includes Short Feature: Laura Carrot stars in "Baby Sitter In DeNile" -- retelling the story of Miriam and Moses.

Ok so seriously how could you NOT want to see this movie! It sounds like a classic Veggie Tales movie. Based off a bible story, with a veggie twist! Who'd have thought I would love talking and singing veggies! ROFL!!



Duke and the Great Pie War

Play Duke game and win prizes!


Today our church is going to be showing the Veggie Tales movie

Jacob's excited to get to see it. I love the Veggie Tales movies in general. Teaching kids biblical stories and sharing the word of GOD, what a gift!

I'm always saddened when I come across parents who are not doing their best to teach their children the word of GOD, by reading them the bible, taking them to church, and by example. We don't cuss in our home. I do really good 99% of the time on cussing. I'm not always the best at keeping my thoughts to myself, it's something I work on daily. I want my boys to grow up fearing GOD and having such a deep love for him.

I grew up not going to church. I was always very ignorant about what the bible said.My parents never made it a priority in their lives to teach us GOD's word. My grandma took us to Sunday school and church for a few years. We then started going to Youth Group on Sunday nights, it wasn't enough though. I grew up with parents who to this day use the God's name in Vain and it honestly just stabs me in the heart. I do love my parents, yet struggle to honor them. I've learned especially while Chad was in Iraq that stepping back away from them and at one point cutting off all ties to them (for about 6 months) is sometimes necessary. If they were not my parents, I'm really not sure if I'd like them. It makes me sad to say that, yet it's the truth.

I want to be a different kind of mom than what I had. One who runs around playing with her kids, doing art projects, sharing the word of GOD with them, reading to them daily (Daddy reads to them nearly every night and I read to them many times throughout the day!), teaching them new games, having tickle time, and having quiet time where we just sit together and cuddle and talk. If I'm ever blessed to have another daughter, I long for a relationship where she never doubts my love for her. I want to just lavish my kids with love and teach them to be kind and loving children and then adults.

I limit what my children can watch on tv and movies. I know I'm one of the more stict mom's I've come across when it comes to this, but it's what I believe is right for our children. Jacob gets 1/2 hr of tv a day and 1 day a week gets a movie of his choice (well again one that he knows he is allowed to watch). We play outside a lot when it's nice out. He can learn so much more from play than tv. I need to be outdoors as well, because when I'm outside I'm not eating! That's a good thing! lol

Well, I will let you all know what we think of the Veggie Tales movie. I'm sure it'll be great! Yet to see one we haven't liked! Do you have an all time favorite Veggie Tale song? Mine is "God is bigger than the Boogieman". It gets in my head and I can't get rid of it! LOL


Have a great day!




Friday, March 4, 2005

Don't you love how when you make a meal and it cooks for a few hours it smells up your whole house. You can walk outside and still smell it! Oh I love that! I love that people are outside their homes smelling something delicious and trying to figure out where it's coming from. (Well if they're like me they are and normally trying to figure out exactly what it is too! LOL)

I made roast for dinner. I normally make it in the electric skillet (my favorite way) or the crock pot. Today I decided to put it in the oven. I've never made a roast in the oven. So I put it in and oh it smelled so good. I made wheat bread too. Again so good!

Chad of course ate it up, and the boys cleared their plates in almost record time. Jacob cleaned his plate and begged for more roast and bread! Jackson finished then begged more roast off of Chad! LOL

Tomorrow we're going to church for a viewing of the new Veggie Tales movie. I'm going to make Round Steak and tomato gravy. Now don't turn your noses up because of the gravy. Trust me, we've yet to make this for someone who doesn't love it! I swear it's the best!! Get some round steak or any type of steak you like and fry it up. Take the drippings from the steak and add a little flour to it then add a can of tomato juice. Cook it to get it to a nice thickness and then serve over mashed potatoes and steak. If any of you are brave enough to make this let me know if you like it or hate it. Most are a little scared, but it's just so good!

Sunday I'm making turkey! The commissary had a good buy on turkey's so I got a small one and am going to make it. I'm definately making homemade noodles and debating stuffing or not. I'm on Weight Watchers and have done so well, so I am a little nervous on the stuffing. No special dessert so that will be good! :) I'm just looking forward to smelling the turkey! I love smelling food, can't imagine why I gained weight like I have,  huh..smelling and eating!

I'm really trying to work hard though on portion control and I really feel like 99% of the time I've done great. Lunch I've done great on, low fat turkey and chicken on whole wheat with carrots fat free ranch and sometimes a handful of pretzels. I am satisfied through the days amazing enough! I've been getting a lot more fruit and veggies into my diet aswell, which fill me up, and biggest Pepsi or RC! I have had no pop since I started this!!

I've also lost a total of 9 lbs now. Just a 0.8 lb loss this past week, but it's still a loss and a lot of people don't lose anything the week after a big loss! I'm excited to see what this next weeks loss is, well I hope it's a loss! :)

Tuesday, March 1, 2005

It's just one of those days. Not a bad day, just one of those days. I feel like writing just not sure what. Could be a really boring entry, could be interesting, you never know where my mind will go.

Yesterday my friend had her baby. I wish I was closer to them. Her baby's abdominal wall did not form/close so when she was born her instestines were exposed. Because of the wonderful technology of ultrasound they were prepared and knew surgery and a stay in NICU was in their future. Amazingly because she was doing so well, they decided to do the surgery yesterday vs waiting til today or longer! Please pray for Baby Matti and her parents.

Another of our friends little baby boy is getting ready for his cord blood transplant which is scheduled for the 15th. He has his double lumen central line placed in on Thursday and they will start chemo to prepare him for the transplant. He's only 4 months old. They live our worst nightmare. Their first son died from this disease that Logan has ( Because it's known that the parents are carriers they were tested and showed they were not carriers, so they decided to get pregnant and had Kharisma, but those tests just didn't seem to apply to my friends, and Kharisma was dx too. She had a successful BMT and is growing to be a beautiful little girl. She still has challenges that's she is overcoming. Logan was their little surprise and again this disease was in his body. I pray one day the experts know how Gary and Sonia are carriers, so that another family doesn't have to go through so much. They are wonderful parents and as hard as it is to watch their precious children go through so much, they are so thankful for every moment they have them.

Gary and Sonia are friends of such a deep emotion that it's hard to find the words. When Christopher, their oldest was dx he was treated at Walter Reed, which is where we met them when we got to Walter Reed with Jordyn. We became friends. A week before Jordyn was admitted to Children's in DC they went ahead of us for Chris's bone marrow transplant (BMT). We went through the transplants together. Sadly Christopher never left the hospital alive. A month exactly after Jordyn was discharged, I got a call in the early morning from Sonia telling me that Christopher was going to die that day.I called our WR nurse as requested by Sonia, to have her go to Children's. A couple hours later, that same nurse called me and said they wanted me to be up there.

For some this may seem odd the way I'm about to state this, but I was honored to be allowed to be in that PICU room when Christopher's heart stopped. Such a precious moment to experience a little precious boy who fought so hard to live, leave for Heaven and they allowed me someone who was a stranger only a year ago, to be with them, Gary's parents, a special dr and nurse from Walter Reed, and them. I watched as Sonia held her little boy in her arms and as the priest gave Chris his last rights and at the moment AMEN was said, his heart stopped. GOD was in that room at that moment, gently taking that precious baby boy from his mommy and daddy.

When we found out Jordyn had relapsed just 2 weeks later, they were there for us. They loved Jordyn and us. In their own sorrow they cared for us. When Jordyn died, Sonia came over, Gary came later. Our lives are forever bonded. We shared our first born children with each other, we loved each other's first born so much, and we were both there the day our first born's died.

Sonia has met Jacob, but not Jackson yet. I haven't gotten to meet Kharisma or Logan, but look forward to the day I get to! We live in the midwest and they on the West Coast, but one day we will get out there. I can't wait to hug my friends again and kiss those beautiful children of theirs.

Well, I guess I got out what I needed for now. I may post something else later, we'll see how I feel.