Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Jacob's Birthday


Six years ago, this beautiful little boy came into our lives. We were all together tonight as a family. He opened gifts, went bowling, ate, and came home had cupcakes,and he played with his new gifts! He'll have a party on Saturday! We're going to make him a tank cake! Pray it turns out well!!! :) He really had a great day today, he's so excited for his party!!!

Happy Birthday Jacob! I love you!!

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Shaking My Head

I've bounced from one journal to another tonight. One is one I used to read, had on alerts, but honestly got sick of her moaning and groaning, her unwillingness to not grow up, cut the umbilical cord, and be a woman, a wife, and mother. She lived in a state of constant misery and I prayed for her. I literally would drop to my knee's for her and I tried to be as encouraging to her as I knew how, but ultimately I'd leave her journal frustrated and out right just mad at her. I stopped reading her journal, and tonight as I was going through my saved journals I came across hers and thought "wonder how she is" big mistake. One of my big pet peaves are those who seek attention, via not saying much at all. I know it's a cry out for help, but they don't seek the one who can help them the most...Jesus. I get truly very frustrated with that behavior and I can't encourage it. I am actually thinking about deleting her journal from my saved ones. It's sad. She could be very happy if she'd let herself be. So, I know I need to pray for her, as much as my human side doesn't want to, I know it's what Christ wants. That's so not easy, is it?

Then I happen across another journal which leads me to another, and it's pretty well nothing but a bashing fest against one particular person, although this journaler enjoys bringing another person into it as well. Honestly I don't understand this. Why create a journal to do nothing but hurt another? Ok, I know the answer, again it's because they don't have Christ. Misery loves company. So I've found myself needing to pray for this person too.

I'm challenging each of you to pray for at least 2 people that your body does NOT want to pray for, but that Christ does want you to do. We're to pray for even our enemies. Now don't get me wrong, I don't see either of these people as my enemy, just two people that I don't care for and think could change their lives if they had Christ as the FOCUS of it. Their life wouldn't be perfect, as any of us who do have Christ as our focus can say with certain, but there's at least hope. I'm about to head to bed, as my eyes are finally feeling heavy, and I'm adding two people to my prayers. I know that God will work on them.

Pray for two people tonight that you'd honestly rather not for what ever reason.

God Bless and Goodnight

The Morning After

I woke up this morning found that we're covered in snow!! Oh I love snow it's still snowing btw at almost 1 in the afternoon! Late this morning (almost noon) I got on here and oh how GOD humbles me over and over. He does it directly and of course uses others to do that. The Lord had humbled me ast night which caused me to write my 2nd entry of the night and then humbled me this morning through you. I agree I need and must turn to GOD.

God constantly humbles me through his teachings, his love, and his desire for my life. For those who don't have a relationship with Christ, I pray you will develop one. God is not a God who builds up walls that can not be climbed. He puts up standards that he commands be with-held. He loves us and does not any of us to perish, but instead he wants us to repent, and be in his house forever.

I thank you for being there last night. Because many of you could relate to my feelings, God spoke to me through you. He showed me where I was going wrong and showed me what I needed to do to do better. He reminded me of things I already knew, but because I was in self pity mode, without your words that ultimately were his, he allowed me to get out of that mode! Oh how faithful he is. Even when we hurt and know it'll pass, he finds ways to teach us.

I don't presume to know how he will teach each of you, but I hope that each of you will seek him. Will desire to do his will, to feel his comfort, and be part of his house. How can any of us want to live in this world without him? If I don't have Christ in my life, I have nothing. Oh well I take that back, I'd have turmoil and pain. We can have GOD and not have a perfect life, but the difference is we have hope with Christ. We can truly know LOVE when we have Christ.

If I lost sight of anything last night was that Christ is truly all I need. I did want to address one other thing, Barbara wisely talked about how we have to be careful of what we say about our husband's and to who. I agree. I try to not do as I see from some of my friends and others, "man bashing". I think it's a break down in my marriage vows as well as the fact that I'm raising two little boys who will one day be men, and God willing husband's and father's themselves. I would be horrified to think that their wives devalued them. I know Chad's not perfect and that because we're different people we don't see things the same. I guess I want to explain that because I had venting last night that I wanted to share, it was with a friend who'd not judge Chad, simply allow me to get it out. She's vented about her husband and I know she absolutely adores her husband and I think he's a great guy. I guess it prob. goes about what we're venting over. Which for me is in hindsite rediculous! I was annoyed because he didn't do dishes or bring up the laundry without me asking! LOL Yes I know many of you probably think "even if I asked he still wouldn't what do you have to complain about." You're right! Nothing! He's a great husband, provider, and father. He went down to the basement at 11:45 and brought up all the laundry nicely folded! He will do the dishes and had I asked he'd most likely done them. Quite often when I get ready for bed, I'll leave a note for him to take the trash out, lately he's been awesome about going to the bathroom and gathering that up as well as the kitchen AND putting a trashbag back in to replace the old one! I don't share this to brag, I say this because I honestly recognize what a wonderful husband I do have. The two friends I'd "vent" to recognize his wonderful qualities and one of them knows him very well (we've gotten together many times) while the other one has talked to him on the phone many times and knows what a great guy he is. So thank you Barbara for your wise words and I want to share them with others. Be wise when venting about your husband. Don't say things that would harm your relationship with your husband or cause your friends to look down on him. If venting make sure there's an understanding it's just that a vent, but that ultimately it has more to do with YOU than him. Make sure it's with someone trusted, who may even be the one who can see past your frustration and who when necessary point out to you how good of a guy you have and remind you that this too shall pass, because it will!

I thank you all for your support, your kindness, your understanding, your love, and most of all your prayers. We serve an AWESOME GOD who loves us and desires us to be with him.

God Bless

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Part 2...Longings of the Heart

I just finished my bible study, it's almost 2:30 am and I'm exhausted, but God has worked on ME so much in such a short time. I cried because I felt like I couldn't let it all out to my friends. I do believe God gives us friends for all reasons, but not to replace him. When I sat here actually crying earlier, I was crying out to God. I was honestly talking TO HIM and asking him why, sharing the depths of my heart with him. That simply should have been enough, instead I allowed pride to take ahold of me and grasp me for human affirmation. The truth is that yes I need to be able to open my heart up to my friends, accept their words that will hopefully come because GOD wants them to share them with me or allow them quiet understanding or maybe simply quiet not being able to understand. I need to give this all first and foremost to GOD. I need to make sure that most importantly I'm not putting HUMAN relationships before my relationship with CHRIST. That must be my first and foremost priority and if it's not, everything else is just going to crash around me. If I don't have GOD, I have nothing.

That statement right there is exactly what's been wrong with me lately. I have not been putting GOD first, second, or even third in my life lately and that is stopping right this minute. If you're hurting like I am, we together need to put GOD first in our lives. He MUST come before our husbands/wives, he must come before our children, friends, work, and all that other stuff that we just allow to get in the way pleasure and pain. When we put GOD anywhere but first we have havok, insantity, and craziness in our lives. Why do we do this? I honestly do not know, other than we are human and with that comes sin and free will. My free will is telling me though...choose GOD. Choose your salvation over your pride, stubborness, fear, sadness, etc.

We each have control of our feelings. Heather I hope you don't feel I'm picking on you when I take something you wrote, because I am the first one to state that up until a little over a month ago I didn't even know this....but we have control over how we react to our hormone's. I've ALWAYS gave into them. When I had my cycle each month, I was a raving lunitic. This pregnancy and all the hormone's going crazy inside of me, I've had to almost physically fight the urge and DESIRE to give into them. One thing I'm still learning and dealing with is that I can not allow "hormones" to be my excuse for ugliness, laziness, etc. I have too. I so have. I've been such a nasty woman when the hormones get off balance inside of me. I haven't given it over to GOD. I didn't even realize I could! But now I know, I can. I still have to remind myself that I CAN control myself. Today and tonight I failed at that. I woke up crabby and remained that way. The boys got on my nerves from the moment I started to wake up, literally not even a foot on the floor and I was already ticked and it remained that way all day. How horrible that must be for them. They did nothing wrong, well ok they did a few times, but honestly nothing that deserved the wrath that they felt because of my insane behavior.

So after God's drug me down into the dirt and lifted me back up and washed me off, the longings of my heart 2nd time around. To be able to let the pride go and share the depths of my heart first with GOD and then if God leads me to, with Chad and/or my other friends. To not allow insanity to rule me, and instead to allow GOD and his will to rule me.

I'm now off to bed. I pray that each of you will also turn to God first. He died on the Cross for us, isn't the least we can do is come to him and lay our burdens down at his feet, as he desires us to do?

Longings of the Heart

We all have them don't we. I do. For some reason for someone that IRL is quite outspoken, talks with ease on many subjects, when it comes to saying what I truly long for and need I struggle with it. Actually it's beyond struggle, I seem not capable of it. I had a horrible day. I wrote it all out, and I did feel better after getting it all out, but honestly I could still have talked more about it. My two best girlfriends called me, both have other things going on in their life and I just struggle to get out what I need, well I didn't struggle, I simply didn't tell them that I'm having a horrible day and didn't share with them my heart and burden's. Well one I did via email, but that's really as far as it went. I truly am thankful that my friends can unburden their hearts with me. I know they're often not seeking counceling, just someone to talk it out with, to empathize with them, and vent to.

I need that too though and don't do it very often. I will vent, but it's about the little stupid things, not the things that are eating me up. After I hung up the phone tonight I just found myself crying. I just needed to unburden my heart and frustrations. The easy solution for many of you would be go to Chad. Yes more often than not, I do and can. But tonight my frustration was with him. He's a wonderful husband and he is my best friend, yet he's my husband, make sense? I just needed to get it out and when I was on the phone I honestly didn't realize how much I needed to, until the chance was gone and the calls ended.

I guess sometimes it'd just be nice for someone to call and say "unburden your heart on me" and let me. I know it's honestly for me a pride issue and the bibe study I'm doing is currently talking about pride and how dangerous it is and how much GOD hates pride. I guess I worry if I let it all out, those who say they love me, won't. If worry that if people knew all that was in my heart they'd not want to be my friend. Rediculous. I'd tell my friends they were being crazy. I love my friends deeply and have friendships that are still in very good contact after 20 plus years.

I know some of my emotions are from my pregnancy. I also know that deep in me I can be simply ugly. I can also be deeply loving and compassionate. I can be sarcastic, crazy, gentle, and kind. I feel like I'm all over the place. I try not to hide who I am for the most part what you see is what you get, but then there's that deeper region. That place where only those who you truly feel will love you unconditionally can be let in. That's a small select group of people, starting with GOD who although I TRY to hide it, he obviously knows it's there and see's it better and far more clear than anyone else. There's Chad and then my 2 best girl friends.

I have so much to do tonight and really need to also get at least 6 hrs of sleep. I have PWOC in the morning and have to sing as well in the morning at PWOC so I must get some sleep. Oh...totally off subject. It's snowing here! We're supposed to get up to possibly 5 inches of snow or more! I hope we do! I love it when it snows and have longed for the snow.

Thanks for being my sounding board.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Hurricane Winds In Germany?

Last night was insane here in Germany! On post here I know of one tree that fell through a roof of a lady I know, no one was hurt.

Here's the story.....

Top News- Europe Mops Up After Storm Kills 41 - AOL News

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Friday, January 12, 2007

Something fun :)

I got this from Charley 


What American accent do you have?
Your Result: The Midland

"You have a Midland accent" is just another way of saying "you don't have an accent." You probably are from the Midland (Pennsylvania, southern Ohio, southern Indiana, southern Illinois, and Missouri) but then for all we know you could be from Florida or Charleston or one of those big southern cities like Atlanta or Dallas. You have a good voice for TV and radio.

The West
The South
The Inland North
The Northeast
North Central
What American accent do you have?
Quiz Created on GoToQuiz



I definately agree with this, being I'm from Kansas oh and Emily....I told you I don't have an accent! It's YOU! ROFL!

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Vent....feel free to ignore!

Ok so I have another blog and although I don't update it that often a couple friends who are from IRL read it (they don't have the address for this one and will not get it, as I've vented about them here before :X) Anyways, I gave an update on my pregnancy (I'll do it here tomorrow!) and this friend who used to live here in Germany and is now in the states commented on the time (I wrote the blog at 2 am my time). She KNOWS I deal with insomnia. She's claimed to have as well, but the reality is that when the latest your supposed insomnia keeps you up is an hour past your normal bed time you do NOT have insomnia, a short sleep issue (it lasted about a month), but not insomnia!

She tells me "go to bed". Of course that's her answer, she has no idea what it's like to just lay in bed for hours upon hours watching the hours go by. Sometimes I will just go to bed and ready, but often I just say forget it and get on here, chat with friends, read emails, write, etc. I end up normally getting to the point that I can't keep my eyes open and go and just pass out. I on average get between 4-6 hrs of sleep on a good night, but it all depends on the boys.

Right now with this pregnancy I am dealing with extreme exhaustion during the day. It takes everything out of me to get out of bed and often just move to the couch, although I get the boys breakfast and get them dressed, brush their teeth, etc between those two acts of exhaustion. I then will lay on the couch and let the boys watch their alloted amount of time for cartoons and then force myself up and get going for the day. It's just life.I do not like it, but I accept it and being pregnant I will NOT take anything. I will not take a medication that could possibly harm my baby. I try not to even take tylenol or sudafed unless it's just absolutely necessary and that's usually after suffering for a few hours with head ache or sinus/allergy issues.

Ok so anyways, I'm just really aggrevated with this friend. We have had so many conversations about my insomnia. She knows that before I was pg I tried a few different things (one that she worked for I think 3 days). I just get aggrevated when people who truly just do not understand try to tell you what to do and try to act like their an expert. Trust me, she's NOT. She has no issue's falling asleep, she's normally out by 10 pm, 10:30 on a late night!

Ok, done with my little rant. I don't really feel better, but it's out. And hey if you have a friend suffering from insomnia don't tell them "go to bed". You have no idea how they LONG for sleep. I wish I could be like my husband and fall asleep at the drop of a hat (anywhere!) He's snoozing ont he floor as I type this, snoring away!

Thanks if you made it this far!

Saturday, January 6, 2007

Immediate Prayers

We got some terrible news last night. My mother in law (MIL) found out that she has idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis. In a nutshell, it's scar tissue that builds up on the lungs. There is really very little to help treat it other than a possibility of a single lung transplant.

What causes this disease? (These are taken right from the website)

  •  Inhaled environmental and occupational pollutants

  • Smoking and Second-Hand Smoke

  • Diseases such as Scleroderma, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lupus and Sarcoidosis

  • Certain medications

  • Therapeutic radiation



    See that 2nd one in the 2nd line...the 2nd hand smoke, that's most likely what caused my mother in laws. Her husband smokes and now she's the one paying for it. For those who know me in real life, it's not a secret that I have not had the best relationship with my mother in law, but I would NEVER want anything to happen to her. My husband loves her. She raised him and his sister as a single mom. His grandparents did help here and there, but for the most part until she married her current husband when Chad was 12 or 13, it was just them.


    I'm honestly just furious right now. I know there are a few of you who read my journal who smoke. Stop it. Yes I recognize it's an addiction, but addictions CAN be broken, it's a choice. You either chose to live or you chose to die or kill those you love. I have no doubt my father in law loves my mother in law, but the simple fact is, this is a woman who already has asthma, she's had other health issue's because of his smoking and yet he still smokes. It's also partly her fault for not insisting he smoke outside. If he was going to "leave her" because of that then he obviously did not love her. But the fact is, when we're there he takes it outside, because we don't allow others to smoke around our children. Does he like it, I don't know and honestly I don't care. My children's health is more important. My mother in laws health is more important than his convience. I do like my father in law, but I am ticked off at him.


    My mother in law now has an average of 5 yrs to live. She is only 51 yrs old. This is far too young to die. I am asking that you all pray for my mother in law. We all know GOD is ultimately the one in control and that he can do anything. I ask you all to pray that my father in law will quit smoking. Whether it be guilt or what ever, but he needs to stop for my mil's health and his own. My father in law just buried his own father 2 days ago after a battle against lung cancer.


    I don't understand why people simply refuse to give this toxin up? I personally feel all tobacco should be against the law. It's killing people, the smokers and the people who are exposed. I URGE you to please quit smoking.

    It's killing you, literally. If you think that if you get cancer, emphazema, or pulmonary fibrosis or the many other things that smoking and 2nd hand smoke causes you're in great denial. It effects everyone around you. You don't have these diseases alone, your family and friends and all who care about you and even those who may not are effected and pretty well have the disease with you.


    We don't get too many chances in this life. Why waste any chance we have, because we are not guarenteed a 2nd chance. GOD gave us 1 shot at this life, sometimes he'll give us wake up calls disguised as a 2nd chance. We have no business hurting our bodies or those around us.


    Here's a link to the disease that is now killing my mother in it, get informed. What is Pulmonary Fibrosis?, What are the symptoms, prevalence and treatments for the disease?


    Most of all I ask that you will pray for her and for Chad. Chad has not been able to get ahold of his mother since we found out the news, so please pray that tomorrow he's able to.


    God Bless

    Thursday, January 4, 2007

    New Year, New Blessings, New Beginnings

    With each new year we have new beginnings. I've met some who feel that with the turn of the clock we get to do in a way a new start. I don't particularly feel we get a new start, but we get the choice for better things. Yet I believe that every single day that God gives us we have a new beginning. A new day to do better than the day before, be a better person, live a better life.

    I am so thankful for the many blessings I already have in my life and this year we'll be adding a new blessing to our family. I am thrilled to be pregnant and Chad, the boys, and I are so excited to have a new baby that will be joining our family in August! I am awe that God has allowed us once again to have a baby. I have friends that for what ever reason have struggled with infertility and I truly can't imagine that heart ache.

    When we lived in Virginia and Jordyn was alive, we had (still do) very dear friends who struggled to get pg. She had the shots and the physical pain was heartbreaking for me to see. I went with her one apt, and her husband was gone (I think out in the field or something I can't remember anymore). What I do remember is her calling me because she needed some medication to help with the pain and she physically could not walk. She had 1 little boy and God did bless them with another child and she went through a difficult pregnancy. She now has 2 beautiful little boys and although they have definate struggles, the love she has for her boys is undeniable.

    I don't know why there are women who like me can get pregnant without hardly a second thought, yet there are women who desperately want to get pregnant can't. I pray for them. We each will one way or another be blessed, I truly believe that.

    I look forward to watching my belly grow (sure it's big enough already, but it'll get firmer and rounder!! LOL). I am really looking forward to feeling the baby move inside of me. I can't wait to feel her! To feel her kicks and elbows! I pray I don't have to deal with issue's with my sciatic nerve this time around, but I'm going to plan on dealing with it since even not pg it gaveme issue's after having Jack.

    One thing I'd like to ask you each for prayers over is gestational diabetes. My heart is telling me this is going to be an issue this pregnancy. I'm overweight and this pregnancy I have already had some signs. I'm going to be really careful from here on out on what I eat. I'm trying to make sure to not over eat and make wisechoices. I've been craving fruits, but I will have to watch just how much I eat of them. Once I finally get an apt with my ob I am going to talk to her about that because if it is going to be something I have then I want it caught as early as possible so I can stay on top of it and my baby and I have the best pregnancy possible.

    We have a lot of other things to look forward to this year! Jacob has a birthday at the end of the month, he'll be 6! We'll be advancing into 1st grade work over the next couple of months. I will be turning 30 next month and I'm really looking forward to my 30's! My 20's were good and hard. I was blessed in marrying Chad at the young age of 20, having my first child at 21, having my child dx with leukemia at the age of 22, and having my daughter die and go home to heaven at 23. I become a mother to a son at 23, just days before I turned 24. I once again become a mother at 26. I've been through 4 deployments that the Army's sent my husband on. I've developed a relationship with Jesus Christ. I met my best friends in my 20's (not counting Chad). I moved to Germany for a 2nd time in my life and in my 20's!  I'm ready for the 30's. I see it being a new and wonderful next step. I'm sure there will be heartaches and enormous amounts of joys. I look forward to becoming closer to Christ than I am. I look forward to my marriage growing stronger through Christ, and my relationship with my children is constantly changing and growing. I pray I will raise Men of God, and I hope a Bride of Christ (if God see's it fit to give us a daughter).

    What else is ahead of us in 2007. My parents will be visiting in the spring and we plan on traveling quite a bit while they are here! We plan to go to Wales and The Netherlands which Holland is in (btw just a little info...Holland is IN The Netherlands, it's a territory with in The Netherlands, most American don't know that!). I'm really hoping we can take a trip to Ireland and France as well while they are here and of course traveling inside of Germany and take them over the border to Austria. My mom and I are definately going to Poland too!

    Chad's birthday of course and we have the summer to look forward to. We plan to do some light traveling in Germany over the summer. I'd really love to go down to Croatia for a long weekend and go to the beach. Everyone we know who's been there say it has some of the most beautiful beaches in all of Europe! I think it'd be so much fun! I knowthe boys would enjoy it and Chad! I love the beach! I feel at peace at the ocean. There's just something about it.

    Chad and I also still have to plan our trip to Venice. Since it didn't happen around Christmas like we had planned I'm thinking maybe for our anniversary! We'll be celebrating 10 yrs this year. March will be before tourist season so the crowds won't be bad. I need to talk to Chad and see how he likes that idea!! Oh and one other great thing, my van will be paid off! I HATE debt and try to have as little as possible, so I'm thrilled we will not have that anymore!

    In August we'll of course be welcoming our 4th child, and then shortly after will be Jack's 4th birthday. I'm amazed that he'll be 4 yrs old. Time has just flown with my boys. I wish I could just slow it down a little.

    Well, I hope you all have a wonderful 2007. Everyday is what we make of it. When we give our day to Christ, we know that he will take care of us.


    God Bless