Monday, May 26, 2008

Van update

A friend of mine took me and the kids (and her kids) down to where the van is (almost to Munich/Munchen) so I could get the rest of our belongings out. It's about a 2 hr drive down there and of course we hit a good amount of traffic, saw an accident, and were in a stau (traffic jam). There was a lot more stuff in the van than what Chad said was in there, but we got it cleaned out. The manager of the shop called our insurance man while I was there and came and said they had DEFINATELY totalled the van out and that I'd be getting a check in the mail. Up until that moment I'd actualy been doing ok, but when he walked away I just started crying again. I felt stupid, it's just a piece of metal, but as my friend pointed carried my family, my most precious of cargo to and from all over the place, heck all over the world. So in another of my silly/stupid moments as we were leaving and I did one last check over, I said "Goodbye and thank you for taking care of my family up until the end". The van had some issue's, but ultimately it was a good and safe van, got GREAT gas mileage, most importantly my family had always remained safe, even in the accident. So it's done, the van is officially "gone" you could say. I do think the tears were more of just what's happened to our family in the last week. The accident, then dealing with the insurance (which was actually not a bad thing), looking at a new van, deciding to wait for a few months, and then Chad leaving 2 days later. Oh and lets not forget a messy home, and 3 kids to continue raising without losing my mind, being an example of a Godly mother, showing grace and firmness, giving hugs and discipline (sometimes all at the same time), it can be a lot.

One our way home we stopped at an indoor play area that we've taken the kids to before. It's great because there's an area for even Emma to play safely in, and I don't have to follow the boys around with every step. It definately wore everyone out and we were heading home by 5:00.

Once home I heated up left overs (Taco Soup), and cleaned up the kitchen which was necessary. I have been bad and hadn't done dishes in 2 days. So I emptied the dishwasher, loaded it, and dished up dinner for all of us. Once that was done we sat down and cried through Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Now keep in mind that our shows are NOT on the same timeline as yours in the states, we're a few months behind. Tonights was about a Marine living in Kansas City, Ks (I started crying when they showed the country side....aka HOME). I just sobbed watching that show. I actually haven't cried much this season watching the show, tonight was a big boo-hoo one.

As I end this, I hope each and every one of you took time to Thank GOD for being an AMERICAN. For the men and women who died for your freedoms. For your right to gripe about our government, gas prices, the economy, what ever your gripe was given to you because of the blood of soldiers. Be thankful that because of the willingness of brave men you have the right to worship GOD.


We are a nation full of luxuries that many see has necessities. We are a nation that is honestly VERY spoiled, who complains easily, and praises rarely. We are a proud nation, a wonderful nation, and a nation that needs to imo be more thankful for the blessings we have, most of all our Lord and SAVIOR Jesus, and our Soldiers who are willing to die for a cause that ultimately is greater than they are. Today remember. Stop with the BBQ'ing, the opening of pools, and just all around getting ready for summer and REMEMBER what today is being marked for. Remember that the TRUE Memorial Day, or more accurately Decoration Day is on May 30. Don't forget. Don't get too busy, self-involved, distracted, etc...remember the TRUE meaning.




Friday, May 23, 2008

Come on over

I'm blogging over here for all things deployment:



Come read the ups and downs of this 15 month deployment from my side of things of being left behind and "hopefully" Chad's side of things from being on the Front. (His connections not the greatest where he's at right now and they're not even where they'll ultimately going to be so we'll see how good it is once he's there). It's a public journal, so feel free to share the link.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Steven Curtin Chapman

Even if you don't listen to Contemporary Christian music, please be in prayer for The Chapman Family. Steven Curtis Chapman's 5 yr old daughter who was their 3rd daughter they adopted from China was accidently killed today when his son was backing up in his SUV and did not see her. The shock and disbelief the family is going through is one many can only imagine. The guilt of his son is one none of us would ever want to bear. Lets pray for all of them.

CMT : News : Steven Curtis Chapman's Daughter Killed in SUV Accident



Monday, May 19, 2008


Well the insurance company told us the van is totalled, so we're now in search of a new van. Well I should say we've picked out what one we want and we're now dealing with the joys of finance. Please be in prayer over that.   Pray that God will lead us to the right lender, that he will make this process as gentle as possible. We are truly on borrowed time with all of this since tomorrow is our last day with Chad. I'm just giving it to God and I know he'll work it out the way it's supposed to be.


So far the insurance has been working with us easily. I have a rental car for the next 3 weeks. I'm blessed with friends to help me out if I need a minivan to use as well. So although things have not happened the way we planned or hoped, hope is not lost. I will NOT let Satan take this and run.


Thank you for the constant prayers.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

We were in a car accident

tonight on our way home from Edelweiss, it was raining really hard. The car in front of us slammed on her breaks. Chad slammed on ours and veared to the right (where there were no cars), unfortunately he still hit the right back corner of her car, which spun her and led to her getting hit full on her drivers side by another car. No one was hurt, just shook up. Jacob bumped his head, but he's ok. My van is in really bad shape. The tie rod, the strut, the stabilizer bar, the break line, the steering gear shaft, and the drive gear shaft was bent. We got towed and when the KID (he looked like he was 19) was lowering the van off the truck, he managed to rip tire/gear drive off the van completely. The kid actually was laughing. I was sobbing at that point. It's all the front drivers side corner. I took pictures at the scene of the accident of our van and Chad took a picture of the can he hit. The accident happened just past Munich/Munchen.
We rented a car to get home. We're hoping that our insurance will pay to have the van towed back here. We're not sure what's going to happen with the van, and of course Chad leaves in just a couple days.
Please pray that God will show us his plan with all of this mess. Satan is definately fighting to take control of this deployment and we will not let that happen. We've definately had issue's with the van this past year, and Chad thinks maybe it's just time to say goodbye and get a new one. I'm not sure about that, but will do what he thinks is best at this point. I just want a safe and reliable and obviously driveable van for our family. I am thankful we have our little reliable BMW, it's crowded for the kids, but it will get us safely from point a to point b.
I can say with all honesty that I'm still really shook up and in a bit of shock at all of this. We did have a good weekend in Garmish/Edelweiss. Thank you for your prayers over this as well as our impending deployment for Chad.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Heading Out

We're heading out for the weekend back to Edelweiss in Garmisch. Chad leaves next week. It just really seems surreal to me. You'd think it wouldn't this is our 5th deployment and 3rd OIF, but it does. Keep us in your prayers.


God Bless

Monday, May 12, 2008

New Pictures

We had family pictures taken last week, and at the same time Emma's 9 month pictures.



Sunday, May 11, 2008

Jordyn's Heaven Anniversary was one of the hardest I've had so far, besides the first one. The whole week leading up was awful and the day of was just the topper you could say. I can say with all honesty I don't recall being so teary. The tears came almost constantly throughout the day and evening. It's a week I prefer not to go through, and if I could just sleep through it I would. I really wanted to sleep all day on Thursday but of course that's not possible when you have 3 small children.

Tomorrow/Monday marks the date Jordyn's funeral and burial was. It's just such a blur in ways and as clear as today at the same time. I just can't get into it anymore than this, because I'm so emotionally and physically drained.

Today/Mother's Day was not good. The boys were ugly, which in turn I was equally if not more so ugly. I can easily say I could have slept through today and woke up on Tuesday and it would have been better. Instead I had to drudge through the miserable day. Chad and I argued as well, it was just a delightful day I'm telling you. Chad did get Emma's room painted. He has a very small section left, but has to get paint, just a section of the last wall didn't get much paint and he ran completely out and he has to get the edges done, it shouldn't take him much time at all tomorrow to do it. I did paint one wall. I'd never painted before so that was interesting. I can say that I didn't enjoy it at all. LOL. It wasn't awful, just not a lot of fun obviously. I'll let Chad continue that job.

I'm watching a friends son in the morning. I needed to get more cleaned up around here, but it didn't happen. The place isn't that great right now, but it's been worse. The sad thing is, I just don't care. I don't have the energy and I'm going to bed here soon. I should have went an hour or so earlier.

Oh since this is just a downer of a post I have another little rant. Emma was supposed to be dedicated today, but the chaplain who was supposed to do it, FORGOT! I'm pretty ticked off. He apologized to Chad. I didn't get close enough to him to even talk to him. I left the sanctuary after the service was over and went and got the boys. I have talked to him about th is since before they went out to the field in Feb. we were supposed to have it done in March. I talked to him when they returned from the field and he told me we'd do it that following Sunday, it didn't happen. Chad talked to him and he said 2 weeks from then, and again it didn't happen. Then went on block leave. Then we talked to him again about it, and he said it'd happen. It was posted in the handout we get before service, so I just assumed that he'd talked to the head chaplain, but when we got to chapel (Emma all dressed in the dress I had bought that I thought was perfect for her to be dedicated in and me dressed up extra special) I find that only ONE baby was being dedicated and it was NOT Emma. I was so hurt I was in tears. I told Chad and he talked to the Ch. that we'd been talking to and he said "oh I got so busy this past week, I forgot to tell Ch. W.. Well he's NOT dedicating my child. We have a friend in the chapel who's an ordained minister and we're going to ask him to perform her dedication next Sunday. We have to make sure it's ok with the head Chaplain. This will most likely be Chad's last Sunday at church so if we're going to get this done before he leaves it has to be this Sunday or not at all. To us a baby dedication is just our declaration that we'll be raising Emma in the church, as a child of God, and will teach her the truth that Christ is our Risen Lord. The congregation promised to keep us accountable and help in teaching Emma about Christ.

So it wasn't a good Mother's Day. To be honest this hasn't been a good year at all when it comes to days that I am "supposed" to be the focus in any way. My birthday was a bust not even a card and today although I got gifts, most were last minute (yesterday) gifts, other than 1 thing. I know I'm sounding really ungrateful and I wish I didn't sound that way. I'm just so numb and angry right now. Life's not fair and I get that more than ever. It is what it is.

I'm tired and going to bed. I hope your day was a lot better than mine, if it was as bad as mine I'm sad for you.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Remembering Jordyn

Today was the last day of Jordyn's life. I had written so much out, poured my heart out actually and before I could hit save AOL signed me off. God allowed me to get it out, but did not allow me to show it for all the world to see. I'm positively emotionally drained. I just ask that you keep Chad and I in your prayers. I am not sure yet what we're going to do to mark Jordyn's Welcoming into Heaven day, it's a very bittersweet day, to know she fell asleep in my arms and woke up in Jesus'. I wish I could say I gave and give all the glory to Jesus, but I can't. I'm a selfish, sinful mom/woman who aches for her child in her arms. I weap, I've screamed, I've kicked, and wailed. I know where she's safely at though and I rejoice for her. I would NEVER want her to leave Heaven to return here....just wish she wouldn't have went to Heaven quite so soon. I wish she'd have had another 80 yrs, with never having had deal with cancer, but that's not how life is for her or us. I will definately take quite time tomorrow at 5 AM EST., which will be 11 am CET and just think of Jordyn. I ask that each of you, if you're awake at that point to pray for me and Chad and remember Jordyn.


Feb 10, 2000..Jordyn and Mommy

I miss you, I love you, I can't wait until we're together again.

Sunday, May 4, 2008


First thank you for so much love, kindness, and prayers from you all. I've had some sleep and well with that comes clarification, and I was also able to have a REALLY GOOD CRY and that brings on a whole new ability to see clearly as well. So I want to say that I do have really awesome and very good and close friends, to be honest this season of my life, this place here in Germany that God has brought us, has brought me some of the dearest and closests friends I've ever had in my life. I have my best friend T who is in the states and my Emily who's more often than not a saving grace to me, then I have B who lives here and I'm with everyday almost, well now I am everyday because I'm watching her daughter while she's at work for 4 hrs a day, and so many others. 

The problem is absolutely not with them, but with me not speaking up and saying I need YOU. That's an issue. I wish that I didn't have to say it, I wish they were mindreaders because the reality is I know all I have to do is say "I need to talk, I need to cry," and they'd be offering their shoulders/ears. But I'm stubborn, prideful, I don't know what but when I need them to be there for me I just need to say it. I think we all go through times where we are different things in our friendships and I've been the one who's been there to listen and that's a great thing because it allows me to  be silent which is something I really do need to do more of, but this week isn't a week I can be totally silent and I have reached out.

B called me yesterday and I was able to just get it out and let me tell you it felt good. Such a release, to just sob, say what I needed, and to hear someone on the other end not say a lot, but just enough and continue to remind me that Jesus has me and of course Jordyn. God has absolutely blessed me in the friend department and I'm thankful for that. I am sorry if I put it that I'm not blessed there, because honestly I'm more blessed than I probably should be!

Oh I have to share this. Another friend of mine J has VERY long hair. It's beautiful, red hair, it's own to the top of her waist. Well she's cutting 10 inches off, for Locks of Love!!! And...are you ready for this, she's doing it on Thursday...the day Jordyn went home to Heaven. Let me tell you that's the most precious gift God's given me this week. She didn't know that Thursday was Jordyn's Heaven there we were hugging with tears in church this morning. How GREAT is our GOD?!!!!

We had a really awesome day today. We had church, went to a beer garden (beer is not the only thing served) They're very family friendly, but AWESOME food, cheap drinks and trust me normally pop (soda) is not cheap, but this was. There's normally a park/play area for the kids and this one was really nice. We had a great day! Once we left there we headed to another post to look for a few things, which of course they didn't have, then once we got back to our town the carnival was going on and it was the last day so we took the kids and had a great time! We got home about 9 pm! The kids got into the shower, and got to bed quickly and were out in no time!

I would like to ask you to pray for me during this week. Pray that this week will be as gentle as possible.


Saturday, May 3, 2008

I was so close to deleting last nights entry this morning, actually I started feeling panicked about it, feeling I'd written too much, or that what I wrote could be read by someone I'm close to and they would feel hurt, but then I read Julie and Betty's comments and thought otherwise. The reality is I'm not the only person who feels this way, who feels surrounded but alone. I'm not the only one who needs certain things, but has a hard time vocalizing them, who's struggling with things beyond words, who's heart hurts. One thing I know that's effecting my mood and heart is that Thursday will mark 8 yrs since Jordyn died. Let me tell you this something so humbling (not sure that's even the right word but it's the one that continues to come to my head) at the thought that it's been 8 yrs since I last held my little girl. To hear her sweet voice one more time, most of all to feel her snuggled up to me. She has this way of laying her head in my neck and she'd be facing my neck and her warm, sweet breath against my neck and the way she'd play with my hair...oh how I miss that feeling. Almost 8 years and 3 more children later and my arms STILL ACHE for Jordyn. Don't let people fool you who've lost a child, to say the ache goes away, it does not. You still can ALMOST feel them, but yet you can't. Your arms are still empty of THEM. I'm at a point where not a lot of people are willing to see the true depths of the pain. Most days I can sincerely put on a smile, but there are days where I want to just cry and hurt for Jordyn. I miss her. A mommy is not supposed to bury her child, it's just that simple, yet I and thousands of others day everyday. Anyway's...missing Jordyn definitely has to do with my previous post.

then there's my best friend .We have not been talking as much as we used to. We used to talk everyday and now sometimes a week or two will go without talking. I miss her so much. We live in two parts of the world, 6 hours differing in time zones, we both have kids, we're both busy with kids practices, games, play dates, the list goes on. I probably talk to her answering machine more than her and I hate that. There's lots of perks to living in the US and being only 1 hour time difference is one of them.

I was up last night until after 4 am, I only went to bed because Emma woke up and wanted to nurse. Chad took Jacob to the theater, he has a play today, they had to be there at 11 am to do one last rehersal, get in make up, and costume. He was running to the commissary to get Jacob a snack to eat, get things for dinner tonight, return Jack's new sketcher sandles, which the strap broke the very first time he wore them, and get me some essentials, oh and he has to bring lunch home and well he probably won't be home until noon and I'm starving. He just called actually, he's going to run to the book store here on post and get Jacob a card and book as a congratulations for a job well done in his play!

Ok, I have to get off of here and get dressed for my day, etc. I feel like a bum right now.


Thank you Julie and Betty for letting me know I'm not alone in these feelings.


Friday, May 2, 2008

I've attempted to write this 3 times now and everytime I've just deleted everything. Being completely open and raw here is not my nature. I always thought I was a very open person, that I could share things easily, but I'm finding that as I get older the less I share even with those closest to me.

More often than not I find myself the one sitting and listening quietly, adding a comment here and there but other than that, not much else. Then praying. This goes for face to face as well as phone and internet.

Part of the being quiet is obeying God, simply listening and doing all I can to be a good friend and not one upping, etc. The other part is I'm simply not asked how I am, what I need to talk about, etc. It's beyond just one or two friends too, it's pretty well everyone. I'm not sure why either. For a couple I know why and it's fine, we all have times in our lives where we are required to just sit back, shut your mouth, and listen and be a friend....but other times shouldn't that shoe be on another's foot? Maybe right now I'm supposed to be that quiet friend, to everyone. If so and I'm being honest here, it's not easy, it's very hard, and makes me sad and really lonely. No one and I mean no one truly knows ME. A few know a fair amount about me, but no one knows except for Jesus knows all of me. But let me write it right here, a select few could know a lot more about me because I want them to know, but it's not an issue right now.

Are you ever surrounded by people, people who care and love you, and still feel alone? Feel like no one really wants to hear what you have to say?

It is what it is I guess and I just need to suck it up and accept it.

We're about to face a 15 month deployment and the one person that I tell more to than anyone else is about to leave for Iraq. I'm sad. There's a song that continues to go through my head:


"Does Anybody Hear Her" Casting Crowns

She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even knows she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away

If judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her

He is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction



Casting Crowns - Does Anybody Hear Her

Thursday, May 1, 2008


I'm so tired, tonight is the latest I've been up in a few nights and I am absolutely not sure why I'm still up because I've been dosing off for the last hour, so once I'm done here I'm done! A lot has been going on here so let me get you caught up.

Jacob's really enjoying the play. He's very good at memorization and he's told us nearly everyone's lines from the play! I am looking forward to seeing him on Saturday. He has a couple solo lines and he's excited about that! He was singing us a song from it tonight too! He's so thrilled and can't wait for us to see him!

I started watching my friend's little girl yesterday. My friend is working at the school cafeteria, so I watch her daughter for about 4 1/2 hrs which really works out great for both of us. We're both earning extra money and we're both saving it for the same trip, we're going to Italy this June! We're going to go to Vicenza for a couple days then on over to the American Beach at Camp Darby (in Lorvino) for a few days! I'm calling tomorrow to book our rooms! I can not wait! She's my best friend here and we have so much fun together, talking, laughing, crying. I'm truly blessed to have her in my life!

Jack had his first tball game tonight. I didn't get a lot of pictures since I had to help. Trust me with 3-5 yr olds they need A LOT of help! One of the teams we played their coach has only had 1 practice, they were supposed to have 3, but cancelled 2 because she thought it was too wet or too cold. She coaches a team in the same league that Jacob's in and actually my friend from the above paragraph, her son is on this coach's team and they've had practices cancelled for it being too cold, too wet, and any other excuse she can come up with. She's VERY prissy, and honestly has no business coaching since if it's in the slightest inconvient to her. Oh and she "banned" snacks after the game for her teams! Is that insane or what? If she doesn't want her kids to have snacks, fine, don't let them, but to tell parents they can not  bring snacks....of course my friend said "forget her, I'm bringing snack next week!" ROFL!! I know it's spiteful additude, this lady just annoys the daylights out of me! I'm not really a prissy kind of girl, so being around one just grates on my last nerve!

Chad's doing ok. He's been  busy with work. He told us last night the deployment may be pushed back a couple more weeks, which is good and bad. The good is obvious, we have him for a couple more weeks. The bad is that at this point you want them to go so they can start inching their way closer to coming home and all this does is delay their return home, plus you get yourself emotionally prepared for a certain time frame. Hurry up and Wait...that's the Army's Motto. 

I've been dealing with unusual exhuastion in the evenings. Really unlike me. I normally have to FORCE myself to go to bed and here I am fighting with all I have to keep my eyes open.

Emma will be 9 months old on Saturday too. My how time has flown with that baby girl. She's just so wonderful. She's definately back to feeling like herself again too. She crawls like a speeding train, pulls up on everything and is cruising the furniture, laughs and smiles are abundant, just over all true deep down happiness is happening in that baby girl!

Well, I can't do this anymore....good night!