Tuesday, November 30, 2004



My alarm went off 
It was Sunday again. 
I was sleepy and tired, 
My one day to sleep in. 

But the guilt I would feel 
The rest of the day 
Would have been too much, 
So I'd go and I'd pray. 

I showered and shaved, 
I adjusted my tie, 
I got there and sat 
In a pew just in time. 

Bowing my head in prayer 
As I closed my eyes, 
I saw the shoe of the man next to me 
Touching my own. I sighed. 

With plenty of room on either side, 
I thought, "Why must our soles touch?" 
It bothered me, his shoe touching mine, 
But it didn't bother him much. 

A prayer began: "Our Father" I thought, 
"This man with the shoes has no pride. 
They're dusty, worn, and scratched 
Even worse, there are holes on the side!" 

"Thank You for blessings," the prayer went on. 
The shoe man said a quiet  "Amen." 
I tried to focus on the prayer. 
But my thoughts were on his shoes again. 

Aren't we supposed to look our best 
When walking through that door? 
"Well, this certainly isn't it," I thought, 
Glancing toward the floor. 

Then the prayer was ended 
And the songs of praise began. 
The shoe man was certainly loud, 
Sounding proud as he sang. 

His voice lifted the rafters, 
His hands were raised high, 
The Lord could surely hear 
The shoe man's voice from the sky. 

It was time for the offering 
And what I threw in was steep. 
I watched as the shoe man reached 
Into his pockets so deep. 

I saw what was pulled out, 
What the shoe man put in, 
Then I heard a soft "clink"  as when silver hits tin. 

The sermon really bored me 
To tears, and that's no lie 
It wasn't the same for the shoe man, 
For tears fell from his eyes. 

At the end of the service, 
As is the custom here, 
We must greet new visitors 
And show them all good cheer. 

But I felt moved somehow 
And wanted to meet shoe man 
So after the closing prayer, 
I reached over and shook his hand. 

He was old and his skin was dark, 
And his hair was truly a mess 
But I thanked him for coming, 
For being our guest. 

He said, "My names' Charlie, 
I'm glad to meet you, my friend." 
There were tears in his eyes 
But he had a large, wide grin 

"Let me explain," he said 
Wiping tears from his eyes. 
"I've been coming here for months, 
And you're the first to say 'Hi.'" 

"I know that my appearance 
"Is not like all the rest, 
"But I really do try 
"To always look my best." 

"I always clean and polish my shoes 
"Before my very long walk 
"But by the time I get here, 
"They're dirty and dusty, like chalk." 

My heart filled with pain and 
I swallowed to hide my tears 
As he continued to apologize 
For daring to sit so near. 

He said, "When I get here, 
"I know I must look a sight. 
"But I thought if I could touch you, 
"Then maybe our souls might unite." 

I was silent for a moment 
Knowing whatever was said 
Would pale in comparison. 
I spoke from my heart, not my head 

"Oh, you've touched me," I said, 
"And taught me, in part, 
"That the best of any man 
"Is what is found in his heart." 

The rest, I thought, 
This shoe man will never know 
Like just how thankful I really am 
That his dirty old shoe touched my soul. 

wall cloud picture


I have felt like something's taken over me this evening. Anger, deep down anger and sadness. I don't even know why. I hate feeling like this. I want to cry, but I am so exhausted from being angry. I'm mad that "Mr. Wonderful" was over an hour late. He likes to blame trafic, but it's his mouth that runs for an hour that made him late and we both know it.

I'm overwhelmed at feeling so much. I want to scream and whisper all at once. When does life just take a break? I feel so empty. How do you handle all these feelings that are just boiling up inside of you? I don't know. I don't know how I am supposed to deal with this. I want a break. I want to feel peace inside of me.

I know I need to take this to GOD. I know that, I really do. Yet I can't. Why is it so much easier to pray for others, but I struggle to pray for myself? I feel selfish taking what I believe in my own mind as minor, insignificant things. For some reason it just came over me that maybe I just don't believe GOD will hear MY prayers. I prayed so hard for Jordyn to live and well we see the answer to those prayers. She's dead. Dead, dead, dead. DEAD. I wonder if I write that word over and over again if it'll ever lose it's harshness to me. It's not a surprising feeling, just a stab. I can tell anyone my daughter's dead...but telling myself that, different.

Why did he take her away from me? I know I didn't deserve her. I still loved her with every ounce inside of me though.

What am I seriously doing here? I just feel useless. I feel that I have no point in this life. I don't even know who I am. I'm a mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend I'm told..but who am I? How do so many other people know who they are and I feel like I'm just drifting through this world.

I feel like I'm stuck in the year of 2000, when I had purpose and something driving me.

What kind of mother am I? I have 2 little boys who need me, who depend on me and that's not enough? Oh my gosh what the hell is wrong with me?

Friday, November 19, 2004

When will the fog lift



Tonight my girlfriend and fellow bereaved cancer mom, Kelly reminded me of how I haven't listened to my favorite cd in a long time.

Cindy puts my heart into song. My favorite song is "Water on the Moon". My gosh it hits me like a bullet everytime. Do you have that cd that just reaches into the depths of your soul and puts all those feelings you have out there into words and music. Many who've lost a child to cancer, know Cindy Bullens and know this album. Many probably have all the songs memorized like I do, and I have a good guess Kelly does too.

I don't go into that deep, harsh, hard to climb out of pain very often now, mostly because well I have 2 little boys who are counting on me. They see me cry, they know about their sister, gee Jacob told his preschool class and teachers about her and how she died from cancer and is in Heaven with Jesus! (proud mommy moment there) As proud as I am that we've obviously shared Jordyn, it stabs me in the heart like a dagger that this little boy who loves his sister so much, has never got to hug her, tug on her, make her scream because well he's 3 and she'd be 6! He should be in a middle child role, instead he's like the oldest. I wonder often what he's going to turn out to be like as a young man, father, husband. I pray I don't screw him up. I want so much for my kids, one of the biggest things I want for them I can't give them back...their  big sister. It's like this big slap in the face. I have a scar on my body to prove I have had 3 children. I have stretch marks from 3, I have the love for 3 in my heart, I have room on my lap for 3, but I only live in a 3 bedroom house vs a 4 bedroom. I have toy trucks, army men, swords, Rescue Hero's, etc all over my floor (all over my house)...I want dolls, purses, dress up clothes, barbies scattered about too. I want to paint finger and toe nails, play makeup, and share a dab of my body spray or perfume. I want my daughter to be that mother hen that in my heart I know she would have been. I want a race between a Barbie Jeep that was so loved and the John Deere Gator that rides 2 little boys so perfectly. I want giggles of a girl and 2 little boys in a bedroom.

Will this heartache ever stop? Do I even want it to? I have haunting tune inside of me. Somewhere deep inside it's cries to be heard. I know though that if it's released there would be no stopping. It hurts so much to let go and release. So few understand the depths of agony and heartache,and those who do, oh how I wish they did NOT know.

Where do I turn? I turn to GOD, yet I'm so stubborn and don't listen to him like I should. I should cast my sorrows unto him, but what happens when I let them go? I am I think too weak to let them go. I think in my own way I just have discovered in the last 30 seconds that part of me believes my sorrows keep me strong. Am I losing my mind? I feel like it. I want to know what Heaven is like, yet scared to go there. I'm so unworthy of such perfection. Jordyn wasn't. She belongs there, to enjoy all it's glory. She went through enough hell on this earth.

Contridictions are what you'll find from me I can tell. Don't worry, Kelly. I have officially lost it tonight. I'm not even sure of everything I have written through the tears. I should go back and delete this probably..but it's here and I'm too lazy to just delete it after all this.

I guess this is grief therapy if anything is....

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Am I being tested?

A massive tornado


Today started like any other day. Then Chad came home, took Jacob to preschool, like many days...then the phone rings. I notice the number but figure well he's supposed to go get me some throw away pans so I can take a meal over to a wife who's dh committed suicide :(....oh no he was still at the school and I could hear Jacob SCREAMING bloody-murder in the background. UGh, what could have happened in 10 minutes to bring this on?

They get home, Chad is fuming, I honestly can't recall the last time I saw him this angry at Jacob. He told Jacob he was taking ALL his toys when he got home tonight and he'd have to earn every single toy back, one by one. Then he was sent to his room. I took him, I was still calm! Ha..that lasted about 5 seconds when he had to be placed into his bed by me and was screaming, armys flying all around like a wild animal. It went from bad to worse. The screams kept getting louder, although I honestly do not know how and man those screams were HIGH. He then got out of bed, kicking or hitting the door. That was my last straw. Hello, "Mommy Dearest" I went into take no prisoner's mode and started off gently, then got louder and louder. Sat him in the hallway for a timeout, no he went to hit me (which does NOT happen) and then Daddy got in his face. Screams kept going, the fit continued he was sent back to his room. Finally after about 20 or more minutes he calmed down (potty breaks will help that!LOL) he was allowed to come out and he said sorry. Then he said he wanted to go to school. Of course at this point it's been over half hour after school started, so he could not go and def. not after the fit he threw.

Once he had calmed, ate lunch, and finally laid down for a nap..I started thinking about my post last night. Was I being tested? If so, I think I may have failed miserably because I lost it on that poor kid.

I know one thing, just when I think I have a grip on what it's like parenting a toddler (much less a 3 yr old toddler) I get reminded I know NOTHING! God definately has a sense of humor. I'd love to sit and talk with him and find out how he'd handle the situation. I'm sure that even though we're adults we're often like 3 yr olds throwing a temper tantrum when we do not get what we want, ask for, or justplain expected from GOD and through life.

When Jordyn died, I stopped going to church, so in that way I was like a 3 yr old. Rebelling: kicking and screaming and telling God why we SHOULD have our way.

I will TRY to keep this in mind the next time Jacob or Jackson decide to throw a temper tantrum. It won't excuse it, but maybe I can be more understanding of their frustration...well I doubt it, but we'll see!

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Leukemia is not my daughter

I wrote the following text in a webpage/journal. This was taken from a time when she was dying, but we still had hope that maybe, just maybe she'd get a miracle....I honestly sat here tonight amazed that my 23 yr old mind was able to reach this conclusion and I feel proud of that woman I was even then. Yes, it's only been 4 1/2 yrs but when you burying a child a huge part of your soul goes with her. You see things differently than even when you KNEW they wedying. They were still here, you could still hold her, smell her, kiss her, etc.  Anyways..here's what my profound thoughts were that day 4 1/2 yrs ago....


Having a child with leukemia, is a struggle! Those who have a child who has a serious illness, know what I mean, yet I have to say, the disease is not the important thing. Leukemia is not our daughter, it is in our daughters' body, but it is not what makes her who she is! Jordyn was who she was long before she got leukemia, and so many loved her long before her body was ill! Do not feel sorry for us, feel sorry for those who have not been blessed to have met Jordyn, either through the net, or in real life!
So many of you only know Jordyn by the words I type here, let me tell you, she is amazing!!!!!!!!


I'm so greatful that I got it. That I understood just how precious she was. I often try to go back in time and am fearful that maybe I did not treasure all those "little" moments like I should..but I know I did. I loved painting her toe nails as much as she loved having them painted. I loved swishing the blow dryer over her nearly bald head. Hearing giggles come out of her from a good time being tickled, running away from someone, or for any reason or thing she found funny.

I miss this little girl of mine. I miss all the things I love(d) about her. I miss all the things I never got to experience with or through her. Mostly I miss feeling her in my arms and smelling her head. There's something very precious about a small child who cuddles into you to be rocked and comforted by their Mommy.

I love my boys, don't get me wrong, they are everything to me. I just miss my girl. No future daughter could or would ever take her place. I hope that if we have a little girl, she'llhave a piece of Jordyn in her though. She was amazingly ornery and facinatingly sweet. She was the perfect, Jordyn Ashleigh.

Monday, November 15, 2004

She was like a rose

She was planted and wanted immediately

She came out full of beauty that seems so rare

She brought a peace to me

A happiness I never knew.

I held on tight, not quite knowing why

Slowly she started to say good-bye

In the midst of what was to be her glory

In the early morning hours she left my life

I can still smell her, feel her, and sometimes

Just sometimes I can even hear the laughter

That was her.

She came and left with a beauty almost untold

But for a while I was the one

Who saw in her eyes. I'll never let her beauty

Truly Die

In My Daughter's Eyes

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the
world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me
strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Please Come Home Soon

comebacksoon.jpg (18473 bytes)


Come Home Soon lyrics
I put away the groceries
And I take my daily bread
I dream of your arms around me
As I tuck the kids in bed

I don't know what you're doin'
And I don't know where you are
But I look up at that great big sky
And I hope you're wishin' on that same
bright star

I wonder, I pray

And I sleep alone
I cry alone
And it's so hard livin' here on my own
So please, come home soon
(Come home soon)

I know that we're together
Even though we're far apart
And I'll wear our lucky penny 'round my neck
Pressed to my heart

I wonder, I pray

And I sleep alone
I cry alone
And it's so hard livin' here on my own
So please, come home soon
(Come home soon)

I still imagine your touch
It's beautiful missing something that much
But sometimes love needs a fighting chance
So I'll wait my turn until it's our turn to dance

I wonder, I pray

I sleep alone
I cry alone
Without you this house is not a home
So please, come home soon

I walk alone
I try alone
I'll wait for you, don't want to die alone
So please, come home soon

Come home soon
Come home soon

Come Home Soon (to hear the song click)

This song is so perfect and I have seen the video so I know it's for military wives. This really describes how I felt when Chad was in Iraq and I know how I'll feel when he goes to Korea.

It's overwhelming to think that he's going to be gone for so long. How does a wife live without her husband for 18 months? How do you parent without your partner for so long? I'm scared. My kids are losing so much. I'm losing so much, and yes even my dh is. I wish by some miracle we could get out of his Korea tour. I hate it. I feel sick when I really sit down and think about it. The loneliness of not having him here was so overwhelming when he was in Iraq and that was only for 9 months, to think it'll be literally twice as long. Sure he'll get to come home for midtour leave and there's even rumors that they may give them 2 leaves since it's for 18 months..but big deal. We'll get just enough time to get used to him being home, for them to rip him out of our home and he'll have to go back. I hate this part of the ARMY. I HATE IT.

I get scared to death thinking of him retiring, but to think that I won't have to worry about him being sent over to some insane country or just far, far, far away.

Since I'm obviously venting here, I am SO sick of people asking me if the boys and I are going to Korea. Asking Why not, when the answer is no, and then telling me how they have met wives who went to Korea with their husbands. Well good for them. 1. I have NO desire to go to Korea, NONE, NOT 1 tiny itty bitty desire or any other Asian country..I just don't want to go there. 2. I can't go, even if I wanted to. His MOS does not allow accompanied tours. I get so sick of people who know about the length of their pinky finger tip on the Military, telling me what I should or shouldn't do..or better yet what THEY would do. HA! If it worked that way, do you think anyone's husband would be going to Korea or anywhere else without their spouces for that matter? Ummm, no! It's the Army, that's life. It doesn't mean I always like it, or want to accept it...but I have no choice.


Ok I'm done now. I really feel better! BTW, anyone who actually knows me and is reading this with my knowledge knows I'm not talking about you, but primarily strangers or those I've met or talked to a couple times.

Now it's time for bed. 3 am is really just too late, when you have nursery at church in the morning. Lets hope I only have a few. Thank goodness my helper is one of the sweeties that I really like! :)

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

I want to write :)

I feel like writing, although I already just sent an entry. Maybe it's me, but aren't there times when you just want to talk or write even if you really have nothing to say? I seldom have much to actually say to people, although I can use a lot of words! I know that makes no sense, but in my head I know what I'm talking about.

I have discovered something about me since Jordyn died. I don't NEED people that much. I like having at least 1 or 2 close neighbors. Right now I have none. I like 1 of my neighbors, but I don't feel close to her at all. I had another neighbor that I liked and enjoyed visiting with, but never felt close to her. Before we moved to this house we lived in an apartment. When we first moved there we had 2 WONDERFUL neighbors who to this day I'm still in touch with and love and miss so much. This is probably the worst thing about military life. You meet great friends and then one of you moves, never knowing if you'll live close to them again, but praying you will (if you both remain in the military that is).

Right now I'm lonely. I keep praying for 1 really good neighbor. The problem is I'm picky, probably too picky. I want someone who's a Christian, doesn't smoke, doesn't cuss, doesn't cheat on her husband, is not dependant on seeing or even talking to me every single day, preferably has children the same age (not a requirement though). Gee in the military am I asking for too much? Yes, I know nearly impossible, not completely but pretty darn close. Ok, now I am willing to be friends with someone who cusses, but they do have to respect that we don't and not to cuss around me or at the very least make a true attempt not to. The smoking thing is big for me and anyone who knows me, knows this. What's funny though is that one of my friends from when we lived in the apartment, "A" she actually did smoke. When we met though and she and I got close and she came to know Jordyn she quit smoking. She said that the guilt that she was hurting her son with her smoking was just too much. I will give her credit, she barely smoked...many days she never even had one. She's an amazing person and I love her so much. I wish she lived here still. Her husband got out though and they moved back to her hometown. I actually just got to see her, of course the visit just made me miss her that much more. She has a little girl now that's 1 1/2 months younger than Jackson. She has a little boy who's 2 yrs older than Jacob and they play so well together. She was the kind of friend who if I needed someone to watch Jacob she would. (Side note: when she was smoking still she would NEVER smoke while she did have Jacob and wouldn't allow her husband to smoke inside!) I never worried about leaving Jacob with her, and if she lived here wouldn't think twice to leave Jackson with her too. My other neighbor "D" was amazing too. I miss those kind of neighbors to much. People you can laugh with, be stupid with, stay up on the phone together listening to your crazy neighbors fight and try to kill one anothers (yes another joy of the military housing life!). Now I'm on a street where 99% of my neighbors smoke, they cuss (1 of them Cuss's and calls her children 5 &2 vulgar names), and honestly I have no idea if they're Christians or not...I'm not holding my breath.

I told Chad yesterday that I'm so lonely and just want 1 good friend here. His response was "you have me". I told him that I know I do, but it's not the same. My best friends are people I've met online. I talk to them everyday almost. I'd be lost without 3 of them. T,K, and E. K always makes me laugh...oh my gosh, girl I love you. E is such a blessing to me, she makes me laugh, smile, cry, and holds me in awe of her faith. T, I love her.

Well I suppose I should end this, it's prob. over my limit! I guess I could go to bed..but well anyone who knows me knows that's just not going to happen this early! ROFL! I know I'm sad!

I Am A Christian

by Maya Angelou

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin."
I'm whispering "I was lost,"
Now I'm found and forgiven.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need CHRIST to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
and need HIS strength to carry on.

When I say.. "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
but, God believes I am worth it.

When I say.. "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain,
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
who received God's good grace, somehow.


  This is possibly the best discription of me as a Christian as I've seen. I often feel like such scum and a failure as a Christian. I gossip, I lie (even if unintentional), I hurt others and myself, I am not always kind to others, I jump on people so quickly that my own head spins sometimes.   I'm thankful that I don't have to live this life on my own though. Wow, talk about a mess then. I know what it's like to live a life without Christ. I "thought" I was having fun and had no care in the world. I worried all the time though. I was miserable. Drinking, going to parties, meeting guys, falling in and out of what I thought was love. I'm honestly so ashamed of my past. I'm amazed when people say, "oh I wouldn't want to change anything about my past." Ha, I would and a lot of it. I wish I would have been a virgin when I met my husband. I wish I had never been so drunk that I woke up places freaking out wondering where I was and how I got there (that's scary). I was searching for something and someone to make me whole...let me tell you in that short amount of time I did A LOT of searching. I do NOT want my children to know the things I did. I can laugh at a few of the things, but it's more of an embarrassed laugh, than an "oh well..hehe" laugh.   Thank GOD he sent Jesus to die for us.

Friday, November 5, 2004

In Love With A Soldier

If you're not in love with a soldier, you can't know adventure. You
don't know smelly gray PT uniforms that require a daily washing. You
can't understand green and brown camouflaged bags flooding your
bedroom floor.

If you're not in love with a soldier, you can't understand the
meaning of the phrase "going to the field" and the weeks you spend
away from each other.

If you're not in love with a soldier, you can never imagine the
whole in your heart when that phone call comes "Honey, I am leaving
tomorrow to go overseas. I don't know how long I will be gone or
exactly where I am going, but I want you to know that I love you -

If you're not in love with a soldier, you don't know what it's like
to say that final good-bye. You don't know what it really means to
be glued to the television. You don't understand fear and you can't
possibly understand the sleepless nights of endless crying wondering
if you will ever see the love of your life alive again.

If you're not in love with a soldier, you can't know the immense
joy, the uncontrollable smile, or the butterflies in your stomach
when you see your soldier march into the family waiting area upon
redeployment. You can't understand the self-control it takes to
stand on the other
side of the room as some higher-up gives a seemingly endless welcome
home speech while all the soldiers stand in formation. You don't
know what it's like to have that second first kiss or what it's like
experience puppy love all over.

If you're not in love with a soldier, you can't truly understand how
to make every moment count because you never know when that phone
call may come again.

If you're not in love with a soldier, you can never really
understand how very delicate life is!


I had this a few months ago and did not put it up. How quickly my mind drifts away from things sometimes. I hope those who read this let it touch their hearts as much as it did mine.

Now onto other things. Tomorrow, well ok so it's already officially "tomorrow" anyways the point is that I'm getting some just ME time. I am going to start scrapbooking! I'm really looking forward to getting started and hope to at least get 2 pages done. Chad's taking the boys for no less than 4 hrs. It will be the longest I have EVER been away from Jackson other than the 1st night of his life when he was swept off to NICU after he was born. I'm looking forward to it, but can't help but be nervous. He'll be with his Daddy, but it's about me as far as how I feel.

I guess we will see. I know this will be good for all of us, well Jackson and me. He's my baby. I'm going to try to just enjoy the quiet time I will have to focus on something I'm so excited to start!

It's supposed to be beautiful here tomorrow so hopefully Chad will take the boys to a park. I must admit I wish I could follow them around video taping them, because I think it'll be hilliarious to see him with both boys. Jacob is easy enough to deal with for the most part, but add on Jackson who's constantly on the go, into everything...you know normal 14 month old little boy. I'm sure he'll come home needing a nap! Sadly he's going to be put to work we're cleaning the living room tomorrow afternoon/evening and moving furniture around! Next week I hope to get to either our bedroom or Jackson's bedroom and get them organized and let them be a calmer place to enter into vs the horror that they are right now! Chad has a 4 day weekend next week(end) so we should be able to get both rooms and maybe even this crazy room organized! Then next will be Jacob's room and just picking through things in the kitchen. Then it'll be upkeep! Then it's time to hit the outside storage! That's what REALLY scares me! But it all MUST be done...wish us luck that we don't get lost in our belongings that neither of us can ever seem to part with! We're packrats...ok I'm feeling rather low now thinking of all this work, so I'll end on a high note and smile that I get to look at my children's faces tomorrow and laugh through some memories! :)


Thursday, November 4, 2004

My Name Is I Am (2nd entry of the night)

    "My name is I Am"
He paused. I waited.  He continued:
        "When you live in the past with its mistakes and regrets, it is hard.  I am not there.  My name is not I WAS.  When you live in the future, with its problems and fears, it is hard.  I am not there.  My name is not I WILL BE.  When you live in this moment, it is not hard.  I am here.  My name is I AM."


This hit my heart and will not leave it. How much more truth and basic can we get. God is here today with us. So often I take for granted that I can talk to him anytime during the day or night. This is something I am working on.

Well I better get to bed. All too soon the boys will be up and ready to start their day. Jacob thankfully does not have preschool on Friday's so our day isn't all broken up from having to take him to and pick him up from school.

God Bless

A poem to share

Send the Children to Bed With a Kiss
(author unknown)

Oh, mothers, so weary, discouraged,
Worn out with the cares of the day,
You often grow cross and impatient,
Complain of the noise and the play.
For the day brings many vexations,
So many things go amiss.
But, mothers, whatever may vex you,
Send the children to bed with a kiss.

The dear little feet often wander,
Perhaps from the pathways of right.
The dear little hands find new mischief
To try you from morning 'til night.
But think of the desolate mothers
Who'd give all the world for your bliss.
And as thanks for your infinite blessings,
Send the children to bed with a kiss.

For someday their noise will not vex you.
The silence will hurt you far more.
You will long for the sweet childish voices,
For a sweet childish face at the door.
And to press a child's face to your bosom,
You'd give all the world just for this.
For the comfort t'will give you in sorrow,
Send the children to bed with a kiss.


This was shared on a board that I read and it touched my heart beyond belief. Yesterday I was sitting here at the computer and looking at a picture of Jordyn and me when we were in Germany. We were on the top of a Castle Ruin not too far from where we lived. I loved going there. It had this beautiful view and was so peaceful. There was tons of tree's and a beautiful brooke that ran across the road. It brought back those days of innocence. The days that life would go on forever. Looking at Jordyn and that precious, beautiful, happy, perfect face. My arms have not ached for her like that in a long time. I sat here sobbing wanting nothing more than to have her in my arms.   Time does not erase. Time does not "fix". It's not always kind, and it's not a healer. I do believe that we learn to live with the pain and sadness though.   Well I guess that's all for this post. More either later or another day...