Saturday, December 11, 2004


Tonight as I was nursing Jackson I was sitting there looking at this beautiful little boy and how blessed I am. 4 1/2 yrs ago I honestly never thought I'd feel thankful again, much less blessed.

I am blessed in knowing where Jordyn is. Does it make the missing and longing for her to be alive still less,no it doesn't. I do though know she's in Heaven. I don't have to worry like parents of missing/kidnapped children if their child is being hurt in someway, if they're warm, have enough to eat, being taken care of gently, and if they are ever coming home. I know where she is and so in the overall BIG picture...I'm thankful for that knowledge.

I'm so blessed to have these 2 boys of mine. I know that I will never deserve them. I am so thankful that GOD gave them to me though. I will never understand why he thought I should be so blessed in these gifts, but I need to stop questioning him and just start thanking him.

This blessed feeling led me to realize that although I like having material things, I really do know that nothing I can go buy is going to make me whole. I could have more money than any human being alive and it's never going to make my heart whole. It will NEVER bring Jordyn back to life. It will never make time slow down with the boys. Now, it would keep Chad home and away from going to WAR,etc...but in the big picture materialistic things just are NOT what is going to make me happy.

I know only GOD can do that for me. I know that forgiving myself for the things I have blamed myself for over Jordyn's leukemia. For not being the perfect mom all the time. I have to forgive myself for not being the perfect wife, daughter, sister, or friend.

I like buying shoes as much as the next girl does, but do those new shoes really make me happy for the long haul. Nope, it's temporary. Hence why I used to have over 50 pair of shoes that I wore as often as I could (rotating them in and out) and why now I have 2 pair that I wear, I did have 3 but yesterday the lace on my slip on tennis shoe type things broke! LOL I don't have a lot of clothes, because well I hate clothes shopping now. Get fat and you realize how bad clothes are and how unejoyable clothes shopping is.

So, the point. I enjoy material things, but I KNOW I don't need them to be happy. I have to be happy with me, apperciate the people in my life (IRL and online). Tonight I had a beautiful moment watching the boys play in the tub, giggling so hard and just having fun making beards from the bubbles. It's the little things in life that are going to fill me up.

1 comment:

pixiedustnme said...

I hate that I can say "I am lucky that I was there when he died".  And I hate that you understand me when I say that.  I love you - Kelly