Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Leukemia is not my daughter

I wrote the following text in a webpage/journal. This was taken from a time when she was dying, but we still had hope that maybe, just maybe she'd get a miracle....I honestly sat here tonight amazed that my 23 yr old mind was able to reach this conclusion and I feel proud of that woman I was even then. Yes, it's only been 4 1/2 yrs but when you burying a child a huge part of your soul goes with her. You see things differently than even when you KNEW they wedying. They were still here, you could still hold her, smell her, kiss her, etc.  Anyways..here's what my profound thoughts were that day 4 1/2 yrs ago....

 

Having a child with leukemia, is a struggle! Those who have a child who has a serious illness, know what I mean, yet I have to say, the disease is not the important thing. Leukemia is not our daughter, it is in our daughters' body, but it is not what makes her who she is! Jordyn was who she was long before she got leukemia, and so many loved her long before her body was ill! Do not feel sorry for us, feel sorry for those who have not been blessed to have met Jordyn, either through the net, or in real life!
So many of you only know Jordyn by the words I type here, let me tell you, she is amazing!!!!!!!!

 

I'm so greatful that I got it. That I understood just how precious she was. I often try to go back in time and am fearful that maybe I did not treasure all those "little" moments like I should..but I know I did. I loved painting her toe nails as much as she loved having them painted. I loved swishing the blow dryer over her nearly bald head. Hearing giggles come out of her from a good time being tickled, running away from someone, or for any reason or thing she found funny.

I miss this little girl of mine. I miss all the things I love(d) about her. I miss all the things I never got to experience with or through her. Mostly I miss feeling her in my arms and smelling her head. There's something very precious about a small child who cuddles into you to be rocked and comforted by their Mommy.

I love my boys, don't get me wrong, they are everything to me. I just miss my girl. No future daughter could or would ever take her place. I hope that if we have a little girl, she'llhave a piece of Jordyn in her though. She was amazingly ornery and facinatingly sweet. She was the perfect, Jordyn Ashleigh.

1 comment:

milmomrrw said...

Christy, as always, your thoughts are beautiful, thought provoking.   You have a gift.   and i hope that one day, maybe you could put all of your thoughts into a book, even if just for your family alone.  You and the family have touched many lives, mine included, and i feel blessed to be one of those who knew Jordyn in person.    I love you Christy.

Bekah