Tuesday, November 30, 2004

wall cloud picture


I have felt like something's taken over me this evening. Anger, deep down anger and sadness. I don't even know why. I hate feeling like this. I want to cry, but I am so exhausted from being angry. I'm mad that "Mr. Wonderful" was over an hour late. He likes to blame trafic, but it's his mouth that runs for an hour that made him late and we both know it.

I'm overwhelmed at feeling so much. I want to scream and whisper all at once. When does life just take a break? I feel so empty. How do you handle all these feelings that are just boiling up inside of you? I don't know. I don't know how I am supposed to deal with this. I want a break. I want to feel peace inside of me.

I know I need to take this to GOD. I know that, I really do. Yet I can't. Why is it so much easier to pray for others, but I struggle to pray for myself? I feel selfish taking what I believe in my own mind as minor, insignificant things. For some reason it just came over me that maybe I just don't believe GOD will hear MY prayers. I prayed so hard for Jordyn to live and well we see the answer to those prayers. She's dead. Dead, dead, dead. DEAD. I wonder if I write that word over and over again if it'll ever lose it's harshness to me. It's not a surprising feeling, just a stab. I can tell anyone my daughter's dead...but telling myself that, different.

Why did he take her away from me? I know I didn't deserve her. I still loved her with every ounce inside of me though.

What am I seriously doing here? I just feel useless. I feel that I have no point in this life. I don't even know who I am. I'm a mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend I'm told..but who am I? How do so many other people know who they are and I feel like I'm just drifting through this world.

I feel like I'm stuck in the year of 2000, when I had purpose and something driving me.

What kind of mother am I? I have 2 little boys who need me, who depend on me and that's not enough? Oh my gosh what the hell is wrong with me?

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