Friday, November 19, 2004

When will the fog lift



Tonight my girlfriend and fellow bereaved cancer mom, Kelly reminded me of how I haven't listened to my favorite cd in a long time.

Cindy puts my heart into song. My favorite song is "Water on the Moon". My gosh it hits me like a bullet everytime. Do you have that cd that just reaches into the depths of your soul and puts all those feelings you have out there into words and music. Many who've lost a child to cancer, know Cindy Bullens and know this album. Many probably have all the songs memorized like I do, and I have a good guess Kelly does too.

I don't go into that deep, harsh, hard to climb out of pain very often now, mostly because well I have 2 little boys who are counting on me. They see me cry, they know about their sister, gee Jacob told his preschool class and teachers about her and how she died from cancer and is in Heaven with Jesus! (proud mommy moment there) As proud as I am that we've obviously shared Jordyn, it stabs me in the heart like a dagger that this little boy who loves his sister so much, has never got to hug her, tug on her, make her scream because well he's 3 and she'd be 6! He should be in a middle child role, instead he's like the oldest. I wonder often what he's going to turn out to be like as a young man, father, husband. I pray I don't screw him up. I want so much for my kids, one of the biggest things I want for them I can't give them back...their  big sister. It's like this big slap in the face. I have a scar on my body to prove I have had 3 children. I have stretch marks from 3, I have the love for 3 in my heart, I have room on my lap for 3, but I only live in a 3 bedroom house vs a 4 bedroom. I have toy trucks, army men, swords, Rescue Hero's, etc all over my floor (all over my house)...I want dolls, purses, dress up clothes, barbies scattered about too. I want to paint finger and toe nails, play makeup, and share a dab of my body spray or perfume. I want my daughter to be that mother hen that in my heart I know she would have been. I want a race between a Barbie Jeep that was so loved and the John Deere Gator that rides 2 little boys so perfectly. I want giggles of a girl and 2 little boys in a bedroom.

Will this heartache ever stop? Do I even want it to? I have haunting tune inside of me. Somewhere deep inside it's cries to be heard. I know though that if it's released there would be no stopping. It hurts so much to let go and release. So few understand the depths of agony and heartache,and those who do, oh how I wish they did NOT know.

Where do I turn? I turn to GOD, yet I'm so stubborn and don't listen to him like I should. I should cast my sorrows unto him, but what happens when I let them go? I am I think too weak to let them go. I think in my own way I just have discovered in the last 30 seconds that part of me believes my sorrows keep me strong. Am I losing my mind? I feel like it. I want to know what Heaven is like, yet scared to go there. I'm so unworthy of such perfection. Jordyn wasn't. She belongs there, to enjoy all it's glory. She went through enough hell on this earth.

Contridictions are what you'll find from me I can tell. Don't worry, Kelly. I have officially lost it tonight. I'm not even sure of everything I have written through the tears. I should go back and delete this probably..but it's here and I'm too lazy to just delete it after all this.

I guess this is grief therapy if anything is....

1 comment:

pixiedustnme said...

As if I haven't cried enough already this weekend.  How I love the way you "get" me.  I'd apologize for being the catalyst that sent you into the deep chasm of grief, but I know sometimes we just need to be there.  And I know we always seem to manage to pull ourselves out just far enough to be a mom again when the kids demand it.  I look forward to our eternity together, worshipping along side all our children at the foot of His throne.