I want to say thank you to each one of you that's praying for my friend and her family. Once they have the caringbridge site set up I'll share it with those who'd like to continue to keep track of them and pray for them. I'm sure some wouldn't even think that just letting Jillian go would be an option, but until you're in the shoes of a parent who's child has cancer, who's been through literally hell and back you just don't know. I had a friend who doesn't read my journal here say "I just couldn't be as strong as you are or Jessica". People let me tell you something, please don't ever say that stupid statement...do you think we GOT a CHOICE? It's not a choice...it's the way it is. When you become a parent you do what you have to for your children. If you think letting your child get pumped with poison (chemo..it is poison) you're wrong, it's horrifying. If you think leaving your child in a room to have TBI (total body irraditation) was easy, let me tell you I cried the whole time she was in there by herself. To know that they're putting radiation and chemicals in those little bodies that's supposed to HELP them, but that could harm you or even kill you is horrifying. No parent should have to do it, yet every single day 330 parents are told this is the choice they will have to make, or surgery that obviously could go anyway. EVERY DAY 330 children are dx with cancer. Doesn't sound like many...let it be one of your children and you'll realize just how many kids HAVE cancer. ONE child is too many, but tell me how many of YOU are up in arms? How many of YOU arecalling your senators and congressmen and saying We MUST have more funding? EVERY YEAR it goes up on a vote on how much to give NIH and how much of THAT is given to childhood cancer: I know there are prob. a good amount of you that give to St. Jude's, but there are HUNDREDS of other hospitals out there treating children and St. Jude's as wonderful as it is will only see children if they have NOT been treated at another hospital for their cancer. Trust me, when you're thrown into this world you want the best treatment, but you also have to jump quickly, and if you think you're brain is working at full speed to make the constant best decisions it's not. It's in SHOCK. Looking back I would not have ever taken Jordyn to St. Jude's, not because they're not excellent, but because Jordyn had the best treatment she could have gotten anywhere right where she was. I BEG you as a mother who today will be releasing balloons to HEAVEN instead of throwing a birthday party for her 9 yr old daughter...do SOMETHING. There are SO MANY organizations out there that are doing research to find better drugs, so many searching desperately for a CURE, it's not JUST NIH and it's not JUST St. Jude's. There's Curesearch.org, there's the leukemia/lymphoma society. If you want to help with Childhood Cancer DO NOT give your money to American Cancer Society...they give 1% of ALL their funding towards Childhood Cancer (I dislike them greatly and think for adults they're fine, but for children they're disgraceful).
I'm emotional today without a doubt. I miss my daughter. I miss her so much it hurts. My heart hurts, my head hurts, I want her HERE. I wish I could have woken her up this morning singing "Happy Birthday" to her, having her room decorated with balloons. I wish so many things, but they will NEVER be. I could have 100 children but I'll NEVER have Jordyn back. I love my kids and I'm thrilled about this baby that's growing in me, but it doesn't take away the pain that's in my heart for Jordyn. I know she's safe, she's with JESUS! I wish she'd never HAD cancer, but that's not our lives. This is. She DID have cancer. She did have a bone marrow transplant, and she did die. We don't get to give her hugs and kisses anymore. I don't get to sneak into her room and watch her sleep. I don't get to feel her soft hair next to my face.
I get so disgusted when I hear people talk so negatively about girls. "Boys are easier, girls are horrible when they're preteen and teenagers", this is normally mothers and I can imagine THEY were a joy at that age. Instead of focusing on the bad they need to focus on the blessing that GOD has given them. Girls or boys they're a blessing. Every single CHILD is a blessing.
You want to do something in memory for Jordyn? I challenge each of you parents out there today no matter how ugly your child was today, how sassy they were, how dirty they got, how anything that you would view as negative...to let it go for a moment and just HUG them. Just kiss them and just DROP TO YOU KNEES and THANK GOD he gave you that child in front of you. THANK HIM, because let me tell you...you DON'T deserve them. NONE of us deserve our children...but GOD gave them to us anyways! He gave us the honor and PRIVELEGE of them. I KNOW there are days where I am at my wits end with my kids, but we all need a reminder that it doesn't matter. Take them out for ice cream, take them to the park, let them pick what you're having for dinner or doing for the weekend. Why do you need to wait for their birthday to make the day special for them? Plant purple petunia's and tell them about my little girl and how much she LOVED purple petunia's and that she'd pick them and rub them on her face because they were so soft! Tell them how she'd stand and just touch the softness of them.
Let me tell you one big fact....Tomorrow is NOT promised for any of us, including our children.
Don't go to bed tonight without your child(ren) knowing how much they're loved and cherished. Pray with your children. Make sure you're teaching them about Jesus. (There is NO better gift than telling them about Jesus and how he died for THEM and that he LOVES them and that the ONLY WAY TO HEAVEN is through HIM).
I would LOVE to be able to do all these things with Jordyn today...but I can't. So I'll be doing them with my little boys while we remember Jordyn.