Thursday, September 8, 2005

Hair Removal 101 or as I like to call it: Lesson's Learned for all women

Robin shared this with me last night. I read this last yr I think so as soon as I started reading it I remembered..be prepared it's a gut buster! :) Feel free to share the laughter!

Hair removal 101... God love the woman who shared this.

All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of
easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home fix
dinner,played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring
painfully in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the
wax
out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise; the
bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot
wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get
warm and you
peel them apart press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes
right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly,
girl but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out.
*YA THINK!!!*

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair
dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end (Oh how this
phrase haunts me!)

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and
pull. OK so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can
do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-ra, fighter of all
wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax
strip
I move north. After checking on the kids I sneak back into the
bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my
panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure I
apply the was strip across the right side of bikini line, covering the
right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt
cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself.
RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of
the strip. S&%T!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP. Everything is swirly
and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums??? OK, back to normal. I want to
see my trophy - A wax covered strip with my
hairy pelt, that has caused me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to
revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the
strip!
There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair. WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot
still perched on the toilet. I see the hair..The hair that should be on
the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. S&%T I run my fingers over the
most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and
matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
mistake...................remember
my foot is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do
something. So I put my foot down.

DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door.
Vagina? Sealed shut. Butt?? Sealed shut.

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to
figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the
urge to poop. My head may pop off" Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
immerse
the wax covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it
off right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than then that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now,
the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together
is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub.
In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So,
now
I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!! God bless the man that convinced
me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend thinking
surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.

It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and who-ha are stuck
to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a
secret trick but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to
know exactly where the wax is located on bottom "Are we talking cheeks
or hole or what?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I
give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of
the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While
we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with
a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered
in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in superhot water and then
dry
shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity
has taken a major hike and I slip into glazed donut land. My friend is
still talking with me and my hand reaches towards the saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
really have to lose at this point.

I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids,
scared the dickens out of my friend, but I really don't care.

"IT WORKS!! It works!! I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and
she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then
notice to my grief and despair..................................

THE HAIR IS STILLTHERE.......................ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

So I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......

 

3 comments:

jen73169 said...

OMG I am laughing my butt off!!! Tooooooooooo funny!
Jennifer

vagabondevermore said...

This is toooo funny.

-jan
http://journals.aol.com/vagabondevermore/IfIruledtheworld

missboogerhead said...

I love this one!  It is great!  ROTFLMBO!  
~Miss O