Sunday, September 4, 2005

Growing Up Is Hard To Do

Today we got up and we were having an ok morning. Jackson took the new dvd that I bought 2 days ago, out of the case and stuck it into the VCR side (we have a combo vcr/dvd player), it doesn't seem to be scratched. I know it's just a dvd, but well they still cost money and there's no reason to ruin things. So that was how our morning started and it just seemed like every other moment one of the boys was doing something and it was not good. So at 9 am back to bed we all went (I admit freely I was happy to have an excuse to get to go lay back down). Jackson fell asleep fairly quickly, Jacob never did. So at 10:30 Jack woke up, Jacob and I were at this point dressed (we got out of bed at 10). I dressed Jackson and off we left for our ultimate arrival at church. We stopped by the shoppette and dropped off the movie I still had out "Faith of Our Father's" by John McCain (It was pretty good, I think I expected a little more though). After that off to church we went. Jackson went quietly to the nursery (I actually left him still sitting in his stroller, but huge accomplishment...NO TEARS! WHEW-HOO!! :)

Jacob and I headed to the sanctuary, which started off good. Now a little bit of info, we got to an on post Chaple and it's the ONLY chaple on post. So many different denominations have services there. Jewish, Catholic, Full Gospel, Luthern, and Protestant...we go to the Protestant. Jacob feels the need to pull down the "thing" ( sorry I can't think of the correct word) that during the Catholic service they kneel down and rest their knee's on while in prayer. The last 2 Sunday's I've told Jacob this is NOT a toy, it's a place for prayer, and to leave it alone. Last week, we had some minor attitude about it, but today it was 100 TIMES worse. It's amazing how your children can completely humiliate you. He had started trying to pull it down while we were singing. I told him no and to either stand beside me or have a seat, instead he stood by the wall to show his defiance for me. ( so nice to feel hatred from your child) Then we did the meet and greet, he got worse, I don't think I actually said hello to anyone, because he started stomping around acting just plain rediculous. Let me say that I was starting to get beyond feeling a minor upset to full blown angry with him. I took his hand and told him to have a seat, he let out a wail like I was beating him. That was the final straw. We have a quiet room, so I decided 1 more chance. I took him in there while he threw his fit, and he let out the loudest SCREECH/Scream. Imagine 4 yr old boy, screaming at the highest octave possible...I'm sure dogs from miles away heard him. People from the chaple turned around. I was 100% humiliated and pretty well FUMING! They dimissed for children's church and TADAAA Jacob was in a "much better mood". No way was I allowing him to go to Children's church, so he could watch Veggie Tales. (Summer months they just have the kids watch a short video, I guess because so many people move and take leave during the summer it's easier, but not really sure) Instead I told him we were going home. We headed back to the nursery to get Jack, he kept stopping and just standing there in defiance. A young man stopped (a kid about 12 or 13 who was helping with Children's church) to talk to him, Jacob wouldn't even look at him. (I think embarrassment had finally hit him). I went and got Jackson, who was THRILLED to see me. :) He was sitting in there playing with a farm! I got Jack and all his things and got him loaded into the stroller and had to drag Jacob out. Ahhhh!

So we started on our way home, and all the way Jacob keeps yelling "I WANT TO GO TO CHURCH". He was truly lucky we were outside in public viewing, because I had lost ALL patience and tolerance for him. Pure fury had taken hold of this Momma and it was good that I had a little bit of a walk still ahead of me. We got back to the apartment building, which the whole way Jacob had been crying all the way. I put the stroller up in the basement and told Jacob to get up to the apartment. He knew he was in trouble and didn't want to go! (LOL, defiant he is, but not stupid, he knew a spanking was waiting for him...yes I spank when the time calls for it) Jacob said he was going back to church, when we got up to the apartment. I had called Chad to see if he could talk to Jacob. Jacob opened up the door and took off downstairs. (He was NOT helping his situation). So here I was standing with Jackson who keeps asking "where Jacob?" and Jacob heading off to go back to church, or so he thinks. He was able to run away from TWO of our neighbors, and I had left Jack upstairs in our apt so I could run after Jacob. Let me tell you I DO NOT like that and other than the fact that I was afraid Jacob would do something foolish, and run into the street I WOULD NEVER leave my 2 yr old for a moment. My neighbor knew Jack was in the apt and said he'd get him for me and I was off. I ran as fast as my fat butt would allow and caught him at the road, the road is a decent distance away too. I was out of breath and just plain angry at Jacob. My downstairs neighbor had Jacob, while my upstairs neighbors were standing beside our other neighbor just watching...she's pregnant! ROFL! Ah...a possible glimpse of her future (for her sake I hope not!). So I CARRIED BOTH boys upstairs. Jacob got his spanking and put into his room for the rest of the day. He's sleeping now and will be allowed to come out at dinner time. (I did keep my wits about me btw when he got his spanking...I took a moment and prayed first and God calmed me down A LOT...prob. very lucky for Jacob). Jackson had lunch and he's down for a nap too. I sat down and had a good cry.

Being parents is not easy, then add into that equation of being a military family, and the fact that we're going to soon be facing another deployment, I truly am starting to dread this deployment. I know GOD will take care of Chad. I know he will take care of the boys and me, yet it's still hard for little boys to understand why Daddy isn't coming home every night. Heck it's hard for me to get the grasp at times.

So it's now 1:23 pm and that's been my day so far! So much for going to the park again today. :( Chad and I talked and he doesn't feel that I should take Jacob to the park, which in reality punish's me and Jack (since the park wears the boys out), but I do agree at the same time he shouldn't get a treat of the park.

So, if you are reading this, please say a pray for Jacob. I know he's really missing Daddy right now, who's just gone for some training and will be back soon. Pray for Jackson that he doesn't see this bad behavior and think he can do it too, and for me to parent in a Godly manner. I am tired and frustrated, and the day in a lot of ways has just begun!

Somewhere I'm failing my children and I'm not sure how to fix this. I'm about to start a bible study and have been in prayer over which one to do and am pretty sure that I need to do the parenting one. It was my initial thought to do, but as the week went on, I thought maybe I should do something else that made me focus more on me as a woman, vs just as a mother...but today has pretty well made me see I need to hone in on parenting and see if there's something different I can do with these boys. Our lives are hard enough being a military family, they don't need anymore knocks against them from a mom who can't keep things going as smoothly as possible.


I hope everyone else's day goes MUCH better than mine.


pixiedustnme said...

Well first off (because you know that I am a smarty pants) those thing are called kneelers.

As for the rest, you are certainly not failing your children.  They are smart, they know that you and Chad and Jesus all love them.  I think you are a lot farther ahead in the "game" than it appears some days.  Yes, kids can find a way to test our every last nerve.  But it sounds like you did everything as right as you could.  You can do this, honest!

fairylaura said...

First off, I think you are a good mom. You are teaching your kids in what you believe in.. GOD. You are not failing them. They are learning. Of course I'll say a prayer for him. Everything will be fine. It is VERY hard being a parent. I think about that every single day. I miss my little family. I miss having my husband around. I know Lo misses him even more. Take care!!