Sunday, May 8, 2005

Remembering Jordyn on Mother's Day

 

Today was one of those bittersweet days for me. Five years ago today, my sweet angel girl, Jordyn flew home to Heaven. Yes and it's also Mother's Day. Yeah...already a holiday that's so bittersweet and it's my daughter's Heaven anniversary.   I woke up this morning to Jackson wanting me, to of course nurse, soon after Jacob came tumbling into the room announcing "Happy  Mother's Day, Mommy". My eyes filled with tears as he jumped into bed between Chad and I, knowing we SHOULD have 1 more with us, wishing me a Happy Mother's Day.   We got up, Chad made breakfast. Chad made biscuits and gravy, my favorite breakfast, then we got dressed for church. This morning I braved it up and sang for the first time a solo at church. The song: Held by Natalie Grant.   Two months is too little They let him go They had no sudden healing To think that providence Would take a child from his mother While she prayers, is appalling   Who told us we'd be rescued What has changed and Why should we be saved from nightmares We're asking why this happens to us Who have died to live, it's unfair.   This is what it means to be held How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive This is what it is, to be loved and to know That the promise was when everything fell We'd be held   This hand is bitterness We want to taste it and Let the hatred numb our sorrows The wise hand opens slowly To lilies of the valley and tomorrow   This is what it means to be held How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive This is what it is to be loved and to know That the promise was when everything fell We'd be held   If hope is born of suffering If this is the only beginning Can we not wait, for one hour Watching for our Savior   This is what it means to be held How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive This is what it is to be loved and to know That the promise was when everything fell We'd be held   Repeat chorus     I actually got through the song without breaking down. I prayed so much before I got up there to sing, that God would just keep my voice steady.   After church we drove the 90 minutes to my parents and then we went to the cemetary. We bought some flowers to plant in front of Jordyn's headstone. I should have taken pictures but just didn't think about it. The flowers looked beautiful and we left a hanging basket, behind her stone actually because storms were coming and didn't want the basket to fall from her shephard's hook. The basket had of course Jordyn's favorite purple penuntia's, some beautiful yellow flowers that had a hint of purple in the center, and some other flowers, it was a very full and just gorgous basket.   Chad had went to throw away the plant pots and Jacob and I sang "You are my sunshine" aka Jordyn's song, twice, then he started to cry. I asked him what was wrong and he said he was sad. I asked him why, and he said he was sad that Jordyn had cancer, that she was just a little girl and she shouldn't have had cancer. Wise words from a 4 yr old. We stayed there holding each other crying and hugging.   We came home, and Chad made me dinner, my favorite stroganoff (I definately did not stay in my points today, but I'll stay on top of them the rest of the week). I put Jackson to bed, then Jacob went to bed. It's been peaceful night.   I miss my girl. I wish so much she was here. I wish I could love Mother's Day as other mom's did. I wish it weren't such a bittersweet holiday for me. Yet it is. I got through the day, and well for right now I think, whew.   I praise God that I had my daughter for the time I even did. Those 2 yrs 1 month and 8 days are more precious to me than any words could ever describe. How anyone gets through these kind of days without Jesus, I just don't know. There's no way I could though.   God Bless Christy  

 

3 comments:

fairylaura said...

((((((((((((((((((((((CHRISTY))))))))))))))))))))))))) The tightest I can hug.

Laura

onecrazymomto5 said...

First time here - linked from Kelly (green olives and pickle juice).  I am crying like a baby.  I'm soooo sorry you lost your daughter and that it had to fall on Mothers Day this year!!  I lost my son when he was 10 weeks old to SIDS and that was 10 years ago.  Needless to say I'm very proud of you that you talk about it so openly and admit to having 3 children to everyone.  I don't talk often or easily about my son and when people ask I say I have 5 children not 6.  Too many questions - how old, names, boys or girls.  It's too much to have to deal with everytime.  But I am working up the courage to write a journal entry that will explain it.  I will make it to your friend Kelly's journal too.  
Keep being strong!!!
http://journals.aol.com/onecrazymomto5/SeventhHeaven

Colleen

drewnkat97 said...

Dear Christy,

Many hugs to you. I came across your site when I googled a song lyric I heard for the first time last week. The song spoke to me as it only can to a mother whose child has been taken away while she prayed. My fifth child Liam died at 4 days old. He was injured at birth and his brain was without oxygen too long, and he was unable to breathe on his own. When it became clear he would only suffer if we left him hooked up to all the machines, we decided to let him go peacefully. Obviously this year has been the hardest one of our lives, and yet we have learned so much, and been drawn closer to our Father.

I wept as I read your post about Mother's Day, and then again when I saw your precious girl has the same birthday as my oldest son, who looked exactly like Liam when he was a baby... I just had to post and tell you reading your words encouraged me.

Loce in Christ,
Kathryn