Saturday, November 19, 2005

Six Yrs Ago Today

******All pictures above were taken during her bmt it was taking too long for YGP to load to edit and put names, so just know it's family and dear friends*********

 

Six years ago today, November 19, 1999 my little girl Jordyn had a bone marrow transplant. The transplant itself was actually fairly non eventful. It was simply a bag of clear marrow, being pumped into her body just like the many times blood and plateletts had been pumped into her. On this day though, we thought without a doubt in our hearts, that she would be given a new life. A life that would be without cancer, a life that would allow her to grow up, become a bigger little girl, preteen, teenager, and then a woman. A life that would give her one day a husband, maybe children (most likely would have been through adoption since the chemo and radiation fried her female organs, namely those precious ovaries of ours), but a new life non the less. We waited every day anxious to hear what her new counts were. That was a day of new beginnings, what we didn't realize was that that new life would never become.

She went through all the chemo, the total body irradiation, that bone marrow transplant, mouth sores, vommitting, listlessness, and then finally the counts to start coming up, what we thought was a new life forming inside of her because of a generous 39 yr old male, only to find out Feb 1, that the leukemia was back with a vengence.

That day though, November 19, 1999 was a day of HOPE. True and limitless hope. I was the one who clamped her central line (or as we lovingly called them...her tubies) closed as the very last itsy bitsy drop of new marrow went into her system. I sat there with anticipation. Chad and I talked about Jordyn's future and our dreams for her. I long for those days of ignorance bliss. I long to hold my little girl in my arms again, even if there's the sound of machines beeping in the background. I long to feel her sleeping peacefully in my arms. To feel her sweaty head against mine, soaking my own hair from hers. To smell her sweet smell.

I want that day back. I want that hope of life continuing back. Right now, I want and long to go back to 1999. Does someone, anyone have a time machine I can borrow, even for just a few minutes. Please? Can't I feel her in my arms just ONE MORE TIME?

14 comments:

pixiedustnme said...

Oh Christy, like I wasn't already crying enough!  I love you and so wish I could give you a few of those moments back.

blondepennierae said...

OMG I'd give most anything to be able to do that for you.  Pennie

deshelestraci said...

I'm so sorry.  I'm wishing she was with you right now.  I'm also wishing I could be of more comfort.
Love, Traci

robinngabster said...

I'd give my legs for you to have that time machine...praying for you tonight...

scotthlori said...

{{{hugs}}}  I wish you could too.  I can't image what you have been through. I am speechless.  I don't think there is anything I could say that would make hurt less.  If anything, rest assure that she is in the arms of the Lord if anything.

Lori

randlprysock said...

Oh sweet one,
I do wish you could hold your baby girl right now.  How beautiful that God has given you strength to share Jordyn with us in spite of your loss and hers.  We know she is with Jesus walking the streets of gold right now.  I'm sure she is patiently waiting for her mommy and in good hands, but it doesn't make our hearts ache much less.  We want them here with us, and it is somehow terribly backwards if they go to heaven first.  It's not supposed to work that way, and when it does no words can lessen our sorrow.  God Bless you and hug those boys of yours extra tight tonight so she will feel you hug her each time you hug them.  
Lisa  

happysunshien said...

I have tears in my eyes writing this but I have no way to tell you i know how you feel...I only know loss and I cannot imagine it being that close to me...I am here for you need me...

kelly

stupidsheetguy said...

God bless you. I'm sorry for your pain.

bekahbutterflies said...

Christy,  i wish that Jordyn could be here too.   I miss her laugh and her wink and that BEAUTIFUL smile.  It's so hard to believe it's been six years.  And then i look at Sean, and especially while we're at mcdonald's at the playplace, i can see Jordyn playing with him, laughing.  (((((((Christy))))))))))

angelm0304 said...

I really wish there was a time machine so you could go back and hold Jordyn and get to be with her again.  I would do anything if I could go back and hold my baby boy Daniel in my arms one more time too.  It is so hard to loose a baby/child.  
I hope you had a good weekend.
Hugs
Angel

thegirlnexdoor77 said...

I am so sorry for your loss of your beautiful daghter.  I can not even begin to know the pain that you have gone through and will continue to go through.  May God be with you and your family.  ((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))) Terry Ann

kiplingcrissy said...

I have never been good at finding the right words; but, I can say that she is beautiful and I know she was a blessing. And maybe its good that you had a day of hope even if the results weren't what you dreamt of. hope helped you cope and keep her beautiful little spirit up.
Cristina

mkolasa101 said...

Oh the things we don't know about the life of another until they share with us bits and pieces of their world, their thoughts and wishes, their dreams and oh how I wish you never had to experience this, nor your sweet little girl Jordyn.  I felt so very sad as I read your post and maybe, just maybe she will come to you in your dreams and you can hold her there again, maybe just once again and this I wish for you.

Marlene-PurelyPoetry
http://journals.aol.com/mkolasa101/PurelyPoetry

truetomyboo61302 said...

My heart goes out to you hun! I am so sorry that things did not turn out the way you hoped and expected. The time you did have with her was and always will be so precious and cherished. I can not even begin to say I understand your feelings or experiences but I do hope and pray as the years continue to go by you grow stronger each and every day for your boys,your husband and yourself. I know your precious angel is shining bright above you and knows how much you all loved her and still do. I know that she has one thing she will always be thankful for and that is she was very lucky to experience the most important thing in life and that was being loved. My arms go out to you sweetie. Hugs and much love

Katie