Saturday, November 19, 2005

Lessons in Friendship

I have been blessed over my life with good and close friends, now those friends have changed over time as I've aged and changed/matured(?), etc. I still stay in touch with friends from high school to friends I've made in the military, to friends I met while Jordyn was fighting the cancer that took her life, to friends I've made online, etc. At times, I know I get quiet and don't stay in touch with them so often. There are times life just gets too busy or life gets too busy for them. I have to say when life gets busy for them I get that selfish feeling and want to say "hello what about me". I know, I know it's not all about me. It should NEVER be all about me. In reality it should always be all about GOD, yet even knowing that I don't do that all the time. I talk a good talk a lot, I'm great at going to my bible study, going to church, at praying and talking to GOD. I lack at doing my devotionals and staying in God's word on a daily basis. I have tried very hard to surround myself with fellow Christians, not saying I won't befriend or like those who are NOT Christians, just knowing that other Christians are going to help keep ME accountable to GOD, or they should. I have friends who are Christians who do that.

I'm still selfish though. I still want to be the center of attention or at least thought about at times. I can't help it. I guess it's hard for me when I pour my heart out and recieve an answer back, then pour some more of my heart and get a "that's great" and then nothing. Not a peep after that. If I'm going to be honest, it hurts. Of course this is a busy friend, and I am admitting freely I'm being very selfish in wanting to hear just something, anything from this friend. Maybe I have no right in expecting that.

I know that in the big picture my life is not harder or easier than the average life. I have different circumstances being an Army wife, but I did choice this life. I knew when I married Chad that he was in the Army had planned to make it a career. I loved him and saw that the Army for the most part made him happy. I didn't realize the obstacles I'd face. I didn't realize that my first born child would develop cancer and die at just over 2 yrs old, and that my marriage would be put to the ultimate test...lasting through the death of their child. I didn't realize we'd go to war once again. I definately didn't realize the fear that being an Army wife would bring out in me. I never realized just how Patriotic I'd become and how much it would anger me when I'd hear people bad mouthing our country, and definately never thought I'd become a <gasp> Republican! LOL

The point is, I didn't realize all of these things, yet the one thing I did realize and have always known is that I can be quite selfish and want attention. I want my friends to stay in contact with me whether it's  by phone, email, im, or snail mail. I want to hear about their life without me constantly having to ask (you start to feel like maybe they don't quite want your friendship), it makes me feel "desperate" for friends and I don't like that feeling. I want to be able to be completely honest and not hold anything back, and not get backlash for it. I don't expect my friends to share in all my opinions, but to understand they are my feelings and that they are things I have to get out sometimes.

What I'm starting to realize is that sometimes we're not who we think we are and our friends aren't who we think they are. That's a hard lesson to learn, especially when we thought we already learned those lessons.


pixiedustnme said...

That is so true.  It is hard to truly know somebody, even the ones we live with sometimes remain a mystery.  I guess knowing that is half the battle.  And knowing yourself is a good place to start when judging your friends.  It's funny how parts of us grow over the years, and despite all we go through, some parts remain the same.

scotthlori said...

When we are younger whe map our life out in our head.  For most of us, we never come close.  Sure I have a great family...but if you would have told me most of what happen in the past 10 years was going to happen...I would have thought you were joking.


randlprysock said...

I know what you mean.  If someone had told me what lay ahead of me in my life I doubt I would have been able to continue some of it.  Friends are important.  They help us get through.  They are blessings from God.  We moved here to Florida to get away from a lot of family turmoil but we had to give up our friends to do it and now we're forging all new friendships.  It's hard.  Even family isn't the same.  They are no longer a ten minute drive away or so.  It's a hard thing to get together.  Hugs,

bekahbutterflies said...

Sounds like we're both dealing with friends issues.  I can relate to the feeling of  "what about me".  I know it's not all about me but you dont' want to me the one to make the first move all the time either.  The lessons we learn while dealing with friends...they can be so painful.   (((((Christy))))