Wednesday, November 9, 2005

Jordyn

I've recieved some beautiful emails and ones that people are lovingly concerned that they might bring up hard memories because they mention cancer or death or funerals....so I thought I'd share my feelings and thoughts on this subject.

Jordyn's life was an amazing journey of ups and downs but through it all, she was this amazing and brave little girl, who had to be far stronger than most children her age. To this day, I'm still in awe of her strength and courage. God so blessed me with her. Looking at her pictures above I'm struck with these feelings of unworthiness. Knowing that for some reason GOD gave this beautiful child to me.

When I read about other's battles against cancer or the death, etc of course I think of Jordyn, but a good 95% of the time, my memory takes me to the happy days of Jordyn's life and there were so many MORE happy days than sad days. If Jordyn's story,which in turn is our story, can help someone else either giving them more knowledge on childhood cancer, AML leukemia, or give them compassion, or a glimpse of life through a family who's lost a child to cancer, for them to have more compassion when a family is having to say goodbye to their child (or loved one in general) then I'm doing good.

Whether we like it or not, life keeps going. That first year was AWFUL and the 2nd yr was really hard too. For me I had this new baby who I kept wondering what God was thinking giving to me, we sure didn't plan on creating him, yet there he was in our arms, and us loving him when we thought we'd never be able to feel that kind of love again (you know the love you have for your child). We struggled through the holidays and those "special" days her birthday and the anniversary's, etc. Every day brought something new for us learning to live without our daughter and learning to live again with our son.

We're now 5 yrs 6 months 1 day down this journey of living without our girl. It's not always easy, there are days that it feels like those horrible days after she died, that rawness comes rushing back, and the intensity is so strong.Yet most days it's a softer heart ache, it's always there, but it's not the focus of my days.

God's given me so much to be thankful for. He's given me peace that Jordyn's in heaven and that one day I'll be with her again. He's given me an amazing husband, who's strong and tender all at the same time and so brave! He's given me 2 beautiful sons. God has provided for our family time and time again. He's blessed me beyond my worth. I look at my life and it's definately not what I thought it would be when I was that wide eyed 18 yr old graduating from high school, and I'm so happy it's not what I thought it'd be...it's so much more!

Don't be afraid to talk about death, cancer, or funerals. It's part of life. Sure it's not what we want to talk about all the time and it can't be our focus 100% of the time, although for some it is a major focus of their life because of where they are, and that's how it's supposed to be for them at this point. Don't forget to look at what you do have though. Look at the blessings. Look at the beautiful things in life. Realize that with joy there's sadness. With anger this happiness. With sorrow there's tomorrow.

God Bless

15 comments:

sangrialel said...

Christy,  I would love to run for Jordyn also.  Please email me your thoughts on this thanks!  Lelly (Linda, LEL are my initals and my signature at work has to be LEL so somehow I got the name Lelly and that is what they all call me!)

republicanjen said...

Thanks for this.  We should all talk about death more often.  It's definitely one area where most people are deficient in dealing with their feelings and understanding.  {{{{HUGS}}}}

pixiedustnme said...

oh Christy, that was so beautifully written!  I hate it when you make me cry.

fairylaura said...

I'm crying right now reading this entry. She's beautiful in those pictures. God brought her to you for a reason. It also made you the beautiful person you are today. ((((HUGS))) Take care.

Laura

kiplingcrissy said...

I think that alot of us out here take our children for granted (most aren't willing to admit it) and I tend to do that often. I am feeling really guilty about that right now. I was blessed with Meagon just 3 days after you lost Jordyn. After I read your entry I had to go peek in on her and my younger ones too while they were sleeping and say a prayer of thanks.
Cristina
http://journals.aol.com/kiplingcrissy/singlemomsjourney
http://prissycrissysblogspot.com

stupidsheetguy said...

You truly melted my heart tonight with this entry. It's so thoughtful and well-written. I felt every word.

I'm so sorry for your loss, but I'm happy for you in that you have held on tightly to her memory, and have some great times to look back on through your photographs. The memories can never be taken away. She'll always live on in the hearts of her Mom and Dad.

Take care,

Jimmy

randlprysock said...

Hi Christy-
I just think this entry is beautiful and thank you for the courage to open your heart and share Jordyn with us.  That picture of her with the sunglasses just melted me.  

Those days of loss and pain are those days when surely our Lord must carry us.  
Lisa

http://journals.aol.com/randlprysock/AdventuresFromFlorida/          

newhope03 said...

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful!!!  That's all I can say.  It's so true about your sweet baby girl and about your words today.  I love you and I thank God for you and for sweet Jordyn.  Thanks for being you. :)

deshelestraci said...

Such a wonderful entry.  Everyone else expressed themselves better than i would have.  
Traci

lv2trnscrb said...

thank you, Christy, for writing this and blessing us with those beautiful pictures of Jordyn. I often feel inadequate of what to say to those who have lost a loved one so I thank you for your words from your heart on sharing with me the journey the Lord has you on. Thank you so much; I am privileged to read your journal :)

betty

tristannmbr2 said...

Oh wow!  I cannot explain how I am feeling!  I am feeling sorry for you with losing your daughter because I have a 2 1/2 year old son whom I love so much and cannot even imagine him gone, but I am always feeling happy that you are so strong with this subject.  Your entry was far beyond beautiful and I thank you for your awesome words, and I know God brought you to everyone in J-land!  Big Hugs, Vicky

blondepennierae said...

This is so beautifully written.  Thank you so much for sharing your insights with us.  Pennie

angelm0304 said...

I have been reading your journal for awhile now.  I think you have a wonderful journal and I will definitely be back.  I lost my baby boy Daniel July 11 2003.  The pain is still with me to this day.  
I hope you have a  great day.,
Here is the link to my journal: http://journals.aol.com/angelm0304/Angel/
Hugs,
Angel

grahamfarmga said...

Amen. That was so beautifully said. Children that are on earth a short while are Angels on loan from God.
Terrie

siennastarr said...

Christie,
I can't imagine losing a child to anything, much less Cancer.  I am a survivor of this horrible disease, and my heart goes out to you for your bravery and the beautiful tribute you are leaving in Jordyn's memory.

God Bless YOU...

Jackie
http://journals.aol.com/siennastarr/Waitingtoexhale/