Yesterday, Sept 3..Emma turned 1 month old. I can't believe she's been here for a month, yet at the same time I think she's ONLY been here a month! It feels like she's been with us forever in so many ways, she just fits so perfectly into our family. I LOVE all my children and I've wanted each of them in different ways. Many of you know that Jacob was probably the most unexpected of all our children, yet showed me and Chad for that matter that we really COULD love another child, again after Jordyn died. Most of you just simply don't know the fears I had during my pregnancy with him, Kelly was privy to those late night honesty-full of fear confessions as was my best friend Tami...but now 7 yrs later it's hard for me to really describe that time in our lives. Grief is far more complicated than any of you can understand, unless you're going through it yourself and grieving the death of your child is different than grieving for a parent, spouse, sibling, etc....it's like comparing Apples to Oranges...neithers better or worse (well ok I DO think the death of a child is the WORST kind, but well that's what I've experienced)...they are drastically different though.
Jacob feeding the fish at our local lake
Anyways...so back to my children. Jordyn was our 1st and we'd just decided to stop "trying" rofl..(said the ignorant newlyweds..giggling..as if there was EVER any "stopping"! ROFL) anyways...you get my point...literally we decided we were going to "Wait" to have a baby for a couple years, since we were about to move to Germany the following year and thought we'd start trying the last year of our time in Germany...HA! I was pg the following month! I desperatedlywanted Jordyn. I DREAMED of her, and when I say that I really mean it. God gave me a gift of a dream of what she'd look like at a year old and it WAS Jordyn. I physcially ached during my pregnancy to hold her. She was EVERYTHING I ever dreamed of and MORE! Most if not all of you know the rest of the story so to speak, for those of you who don't...to sum it up and I mean sum it up big time...6 days before she turned 1 she was dx with AML leukemia, and 14 months later she went home to Heaven. There was A LOT of living in those 14 months, so don't take it lightly and don't think I'm being callous or harsh, you can go back and read, or go over and click on the links to her websites and read more..tonight I simply don't have the energy and it really does take that to share it all when typing.
Jordyn after she got into my lipstick! :)
Jackson was our first child we really "tried" for. It took us two months, not long I know, but we were sooo absolutely thrilled when we got the positive results. He's been such a gift to our family. He's all boy, full of orneriness, and him and Jacob are great friends! He just turned 4 and that just simply does not seem possible. I look at his chubby little thighs and still see some "babyness" in him. He still loves to crawl on my lap and cuddle, although he will sternly tell anyone who gets it wrong that he is NOT a baby, he is indeed a "big boy". He'll ALWAYS be my baby boy though! (even if God would give us another boy! LOL) He made Jacob a big brother and allowed Jacob to finally know what it's like to have a living sibling, and now that He's a big brother...it's like he was created to be just that. He LOVES being a big brother to Emma and oh I look forward to the years to come! :)
Jackson a couple days ago :)
Emma though...again this is a Kelly thing...she KNOWS how much I've wanted a daughter. I've not even had to say it in so many words, because she knows me so well she knows how desperately I wanted a girl when we found out we were pg with Emma. Ok so she knew BEFORE I got pregnant how much I wanted a girl! I PRAYED for Emma. I mean got down on my knee's, wept, begged, I longed for a daughter. My heart literally ached for HER. Now don't think I didn't want my others just as much...I just, well I can't explain it. I knew simply put that if I told God the desires of my heart, as he tells us to, that he'd give it to me. I told him the desires of my heart...over and over again. I wanted there to be no question about it! LOL God KNEW I wanted a girl...he KNEW I wanted Emma! God blessed with her, he heard my prayer. Now had he given me a Jonah..I know he'd have heard my prayer as well, but would have known it was not TIME for Emma yet...but well it WAS time for Emma! Next time who knows. Yes I did just write that..next time. We leave this in God's hands and I don't doubt we'll have more children. I would LOVE to have another child, I'd LOVE to have another daughter...but girl or boy...that child will be just as loved and wanted as our other 4! BUT I'm in NO RUSH! Trust me...I have the baby I've had baby fever for the last 2 almost 3 yrs!! :) I'm good for a good 2 or 3 years and figure between nursing, God, and the Army I SHOULD be safe to actually develop baby fever again before God blesses us that way once again! :) I can BE a patient woman! LOL
Anyways....with all that blabbering and even a little blubbering on my end...God's blessed me 4 times over, well actually 5 times counting Chad. Yes he gets on my nerves, but he's still such a blessing in my life and I KNOW that! He can drive me up the wall, but I wouldn't want to be driven up the wall by any other man! :)
Thank you all for your prayers, love, support, and joy for our family with the arrival of Emma! As I began, yesterday Emma turned 1 month old and as the title of this says..."first smiles" Emma gave us her first REAL smile yesterday. Chad was taking pictures of her (she was in my arms) and I gave her a kiss, and she smiled so big, and he was able to snap it while she laid her head down on my chest! She has the most beautiful smile and knowing I'll be seeing more and more of that smile, well I just love it!!!! Time goes by too quickly when you have children. I hope if you have them, you treasure every moment with them, that you don't take them for granted, that if they have good health you don't take it for granted and you don't put their health in danger by choices YOU make, that although they may drive you crazy, remembering that once they are all grown up you'll miss the days when they're younger, etc. These are fleeting moments and we'll all blink and they'll be gone.....if we could only slow down time just a little.
Being the Kansas Girl that I am, I LOVE this tag...Thank you TerryAnn!!!