Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Nine Years ago yesterday

 

Nine years. Yesterday marked 9 yrs ago that Jordyn was dx with leukemia. I don't know if it makes sense to others, but being over here in Germany feels like we've come full circle in many ways. I can't really explain it in words, because it's more of what's in my soul and heart.
I can say that at this point 9 yrs ago I was sitting in the German hospital literally scared out of my mind preparing for my baby girl to just die at any moment. We still had so much to learn. Tonight at 6 pm (CET) is when she started her first round of chemo. It's amazing to me in ways that I can still remember that. There are just some things burnt into your brain that you'll never forget. The reality is that yesterday was the beginning of the end for Jordyn's life as WE knew it. God knew exactly how it'd all play out, but we sure didn't.
I never dreamt that 9 yrs from yesterday I'd be the mother of 4, raising 3 of them, and in total awe of all the ways God has blessed us. I was a 22 yr old first time mother who thought she'd be raising her daughter, watching her grow up, I "thought" that at this point I'd be preparing for her to be turning 10 on Sunday. Instead I have a 7 yr old, 4 yr old, and 7 month old and I'm preparing for my husband to head to Iraq for the 3rd time.
Life is never what we imagined it'd be and I've met very few people who's lives have turned out the way they thought it would...for the good and for the bad.
The biggest change in the last 9 yrs has been my relationship with Christ. I didn't have much of one up until March 24, I was just really starting it. We'd started going to church regularly, but I didn't even own a bible. When I was asked what I wanted the only thing I wanted was the bible. I wanted to read his word, I wanted to be comforted by my father, even if I didn't know exactly how to express that, at the time. I see it now though. God has changed me so much and how grateful am I!
We have choices in this world, even during times when we feel like we don't. We can choose to be bitter or better. We can choose to seek him or turn our backs on him. We can choose to feel vs turning them off.
The thing is though, that even when we choose the one that is obviously not the way we should, we can change our minds. I went through being bitter, I choose to be angry with God for a while, and I even turned off my feelings to certain things for a while...yet in the end God had my heart and I could not deny that.

As I write this I hold Emma in my arms, where I once I held Jordyn, writing entries right on here. God's holding Jordyn and I know she's in the best arms she could possibly be in and I'm so thankful for that.

 

( All the pictures were taken with in the first two weeks of Jordyn being dx)

10 comments:

bhbner2him said...

Oh, Jordyn was such a bright, beautiful light!!!  You can see it all over her!!!!  I'm sitting here typing with tears streaming down my face.  Tears for the heartache I know you suffered.  Tears for the beauty of that child.  Tears of thankfulness that God kept hold of her mama.  That you are raising her beautiful syblings.  That one day you will all be joined together and oh what a joyous reunion it will be!!!  And thanksgiving to our Lord!  Because I can see his strength behind your words.  His hand on your life.   -  Barbara

deshelestraci said...

Hugs and blessings to you!
Traci

lv2trnscrb said...

((Christy))

you know, I have not been through what you and Chad have gone through losing a child and I can't imagine the pain of the loss, but some of the things I've gone through over these last 9 years, in looking back, I was "glad" the Lord put me through them because of the depth my relationship took with him which was basically how your relationship was before Jordyn's diagnosis. I call myself shallow from those times; its walking through things like this that we deepen our faith in him if we allow ourselves to do so.

hugs to you and Chad; you are absolutely right, Jordyn is with Jesus and she'll be waiting for you when you come home to Jesus and her

you guys are in my prayers

betty

nelishianatl said...

I cannot imagine what you have walked through but you learned you never went through it alone.  This was so hard to read as I'm sure it was hard to write about.  Bless you for sharing it.  You're a strong and courageous 'sister'.  I'm glad to know you.

Nelishia
http://journals.aol.com/nelishianatl/PRAYINGANDBELIEVING/

dasajam1 said...

Dearest Christy.....I am so sorry that your little girl was sent to Heaven.  I can not even imagine the pain you must go through.  You are an amazingly strong woman.  Blessings

xxroxymamaxx said...

Holding you in my thoughts and prayers.  Love, Shelly

chat2missie said...

I'm sure this must be hard time for you!  Sending you lots and lots of hugs.
Missie

sangrialel said...

My heart hurts.  This is why I am running, for a cure, so no one ever has to feel this pain again.  Linda

ekgillen said...

(((HUGS))) and blessing to you.
Gillie

ksgal3133 said...

(((Christy)))
Our pain is the same but yet different. Sending you many hugs and prayers!

Hugs,
Gretchen