Thursday, October 13, 2005


I want to write, just not really sure what to write about tonight. There are days when I feel almost so overwhelmed by the blessings God has given me. This is NOT the life I ever thought I'd have. Never thought I'd watch my beautiful daughter fight cancer and then die because of it. I never thought in the midst of my greatest grief, I'd have a new life growing inside of me. Many people even today, 5 yrs later say "oh see what GOD gave you". I really, I mean REALLY HATE when people belittle Jordyn's death, my grief, and Jacob's life. They try to wrap it all up in a little nice package, when it was anything BUT! It was HELL on earth. I have never and pray I never feel pain like that. Jacob is a blessing, at the moment though I felt like he was anything but. The pregnancy was emotionally and in the beginning physically hard. When I was a little girl dreaming about having my own family, I did dream of having 3 children...2 boys and 1 girl. Here I am, I have that dream...yet my little girl is dead. Honestly it sucks. Now you maybe thinking at this point, wow...this is a depressing entry tonight. Actually though, I'm not feeling sad at all, just blah. When I dreamed of my husband I was quite vain, I was a pretty girl, in shape, really thought I was ALL THAT plus sum. I dated some stereo typical good-looking guys, but most had the attitude to go with it. With  both our vanity, and the fact that I was strong willed, the relationships failed. Then I met Chad! He was a nice guy. My best friend was going through a divorce and just wanted a FRIEND to go out with, who wanted nothing from her but a decent conversation and fun dancing, Chad was that guy for her. (I more or less "set them up") So the three of us spent a lot of time together, well pretty well every weekend for a couple months. I actually was dating another Chad, who happened to work with "my" Chad and lived across the hall from Chad in the barrack's. Of course that Chad and I broke up and "my" Chad and I seemed to get even closer. Then one night it dawned on me that I was falling for a nice guy...every one now...GASP! LOL :) So, to put it simple I told Chad how I felt and well the rest is history! My dear friend, she and another friend where my maids of honor. She is now remarried, has another son who's a yr younger than Jacob, along with a beautiful step-daughter!

So here I am over 8 yrs later, looking at my life. I thought I'd have finished college, become a child physcologist,got married, then have children, etc...etc...etc! You know life didn't turn out like I initially planned. I have no regrets. I have been so blessed. I have 3 beautiful children. I get to watch 2 of them grow and get to teach them about their beautiful sister. I have a wonderful husband  who's brave beyond words. Because I married a man in the Army, our family gets to travel to amazing parts of this world and experience things we never thought we'd get to live in.

So tell me, is your life how you thought it'd turn out?



deshelestraci said...

Wow, you got an hour or two??!  No, it is not like I thought it would be.  As a kid I never did the whole planning for the future thing.  Or at least very little of that.  My best friend and I were going to live next door to each other and share a farm where we were going to have horses.  I went on to work with horses professionally for a few years.  I'm in TN and she is in AZ.  I could go on and on.

globetrotter2u said...

I think most people don't feel that they have gotten the lives that they envisioned for themselves. Just shows why we need to have faith. We sure don't have control over our futures. I can imagine how you felt about what your friends said. It almost trivialized your daughter's death, though they never intended it to sound that way I'm sure.
I'm glad you are feeling blessed today.
I often feel blessed one day, and then the next I'm a miserable wretch.
We're human, and God knows that!

lv2trnscrb said...

No, my life is not how I thought it would be, and although there are parts of it I would not wish on others, it has turned out better than I thought it should be because I do have a loving husband, I live in a country where I can freely worship the Lord and I have two children the Lord gave me through adoption. I am glad that He knows what is best for me; perhaps if I got what I thought I wanted from life I would be totally miserable instead of wonderfully blessed.


kiplingcrissy said...

My life is most definately not what I thought it would be.  As a teen I wanted to be in the Army; I excelled in my schools JROTC program and wanted to be in the 82nd Airborne. But, I got pregnant my senior year of HS. I am ashamed to say that for 2 months I prayed for a miscarriage but it never came and I thank GOD everyday it didn't.  I got my diploma and walked across the stage with my 2 1/2 week old daughter and turned into a stay at home mom.  Now 5 years later I have 3 kids and an ex who has not paid child support in 3 months. But I found Christ and have changed my life and you know what? I have NEVER been happier.  I have been so blessed that I can not thank GOD enough.

randlprysock said...

Okay, I'm confused about which Chad you ended up with-LoL- but it sounds like you are very happy and very blessed---

-- and doing very well with handling the losses too.  I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter.  You have a wonderful attitude about it.  Something like that is just heartbreaking and there are never any words that are right to say.  That kind of pain--you are so right, totally indescribable.  I can't even imagine.  

That is awesome you've been able to travel the world some.  Who knows, maybe you will become a child psychologist someday when your children are older.  Sounds like most of your dreams have been answered though and that is awesome! Hugs,


sangrialel said...

That was so long ago when I used to daydream about what my life was going to be like!  I miss being able to have the ability to daydream like when your a child, what happens to that??  My life certainly did not turn out anything like what I thought it would.  Its a good thing too cuz I really wanted to be a stewardess and now I HATE flying!!!  Great entry!  Lelly

happysunshien said...

beautiful entry...


pixiedustnme said...

hey, i'm finally catching up on journals - of course now you're making me cry so i figure i better just read the rest of your entries while i'm at it and get all the tears done at once :-)