I want to write, just not really sure what to write about tonight. There are days when I feel almost so overwhelmed by the blessings God has given me. This is NOT the life I ever thought I'd have. Never thought I'd watch my beautiful daughter fight cancer and then die because of it. I never thought in the midst of my greatest grief, I'd have a new life growing inside of me. Many people even today, 5 yrs later say "oh see what GOD gave you". I really, I mean REALLY HATE when people belittle Jordyn's death, my grief, and Jacob's life. They try to wrap it all up in a little nice package, when it was anything BUT! It was HELL on earth. I have never and pray I never feel pain like that. Jacob is a blessing, at the moment though I felt like he was anything but. The pregnancy was emotionally and in the beginning physically hard. When I was a little girl dreaming about having my own family, I did dream of having 3 children...2 boys and 1 girl. Here I am, I have that dream...yet my little girl is dead. Honestly it sucks. Now you maybe thinking at this point, wow...this is a depressing entry tonight. Actually though, I'm not feeling sad at all, just blah. When I dreamed of my husband I was quite vain, I was a pretty girl, in shape, really thought I was ALL THAT plus sum. I dated some stereo typical good-looking guys, but most had the attitude to go with it. With both our vanity, and the fact that I was strong willed, the relationships failed. Then I met Chad! He was a nice guy. My best friend was going through a divorce and just wanted a FRIEND to go out with, who wanted nothing from her but a decent conversation and fun dancing, Chad was that guy for her. (I more or less "set them up") So the three of us spent a lot of time together, well pretty well every weekend for a couple months. I actually was dating another Chad, who happened to work with "my" Chad and lived across the hall from Chad in the barrack's. Of course that Chad and I broke up and "my" Chad and I seemed to get even closer. Then one night it dawned on me that I was falling for a nice guy...every one now...GASP! LOL :) So, to put it simple I told Chad how I felt and well the rest is history! My dear friend, she and another friend where my maids of honor. She is now remarried, has another son who's a yr younger than Jacob, along with a beautiful step-daughter!
So here I am over 8 yrs later, looking at my life. I thought I'd have finished college, become a child physcologist,got married, then have children, etc...etc...etc! You know though...my life didn't turn out like I initially planned. I have no regrets. I have been so blessed. I have 3 beautiful children. I get to watch 2 of them grow and get to teach them about their beautiful sister. I have a wonderful husband who's brave beyond words. Because I married a man in the Army, our family gets to travel to amazing parts of this world and experience things we never thought we'd get to live in.
So tell me, is your life how you thought it'd turn out?