Thursday, March 31, 2005

Jordyn's 7th Birthday

That picture of Jordyn and Chad (Daddy) was taken when she was exactly 1 week old, it was the night before Chad left for Germany.

Yesterday was Jordyn's 7th birthday. I can't even imagine what it must be like to have a 7 yr old. I try so hard to picture what she would look like and I just can't. I can't see what her face would have matured to look like. What color her hair would be or how long it would be. She was such a girly-girl and I wonder, would she still be?

My heart screams out, but no one can hear it. As it rained off and on all day yesterday, I thought of how perfect the weather was for my mood. Break through tears kept coming, and I never knew when to expect them, how long they would last, or when they would stop, or come again.

Last night at the moment she was born, I started a video of her. It was right when we'd gotten to Germany, the video was from the time she was 7 months old til she was almost 9 months old (Christmas). It was beautiful to see her, hear her, and almost feel her in my arms. Watching myself and Chad hold her, play with her oh how I miss the feel of her in my arms. I cried many times, but to hear those sweet noices coming out of her, seeing her wave at us. I thank GOD everyday we have those video's, even if I can't watch them everyday, to know I have them and can watch them when ever I want is a blessing like no other.

I look at my boys and wonder what I did to deserve them. I'm so thankful for them. I'm sad for them too. They "know" their sister, yet they will Never "get to know" their sister, not the way they were supposed to.

I know one day I will be with my sweet girl again. I know the ache in my heart will never stop or go away. I know some wish it would, but those who wish that are just uncomfortable in my grief. That is their problem, not mine.

For many bereaved cancer parents and possibly other bereaved parents Cindy Bullens is a known and loved musician and writer. She has an album written of her pain and raw feelings after her daughter, Jesse died from cancer, here's one of her songs and the title of the particular cd that is so beloved by me and many others.

"Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth

I curse the night

I watched you slip away

Wouldn't have done good

To beg you to stay

You were here beside me

But now you're gone

I'm just trying hard

To carry on

But there's no rhythm in the rain

There's no magic in the moon

There's no power in this pain

Till somwhere between heaven and earth

I can find you again

Hearts are broken

And dreams are lost

But I made a promise to love

At any cost

Little did I know

The price was so high

Losing forever

In the blink of an eye

There's no rhythm in the rain

there's no wishes in the stars

There's no power in this pain

Till somewhere between heaven and earth

I can hold you again

If I could one more time

Feel your hand in mine

Here you voice call my name

And whisper sweet good night

Then there'd be rhythm in the rain

There'd be magic in the moon

No such thing as love in vain

And somewhere between heaven and earth

You'd be with me again

And I could see you again

And I could you again, my baby

Somewhere between heaven and earth...

I will see you again


Thank you Cindy for writing these songs and giving us music and words that describe our pain so well. I truly believe that unless you've lost a child you just can not comprehend the pain. I would never want anyone to know this heartache.




fairylaura said...

My heart goes out to you. My daughter is 3 and a half years old. I can't even imagine her not being in my life. I'm SO SORRY this has happened to you. To wonder what she would have could have looked like. What she would be like.. if she would be girlie girl. ((((HUGS)))) You are one brave woman.

Happy Birthday to her.

truetomyboo61302 said...

All the (((Hugs))) in the world go out to you hun. I too am very sorry you had to experience this. I agree with Laura, you are truly a very brave woman. God Bless you and the rest of your family and most importantly Happy Birthday Jordyn!!! hugs,Katie

mikeandsheri4 said...

Oh Christy.  I am so sorry.  I can't imagine the pain that you feel.  You are, as always, in my prayers.