Saturday, January 1, 2005

Goodbye 2004, Hello 2005

I'm amazed the year is over. 2004 was by far a year for my family this year.Chad left for Iraq and the very next day 3 of his "brothers" were killed with the 4th, who was a good friend died. Chad ached being stuck in Baghdad and not with his unit until a week or 2 later.

Feb. led the boys and I to visit friends for 2 weeks. It was a nice break, although Chad had just left it got me away from the post and away from the constant knots in the stomach. I returned home, only for a "new" war to break out. One on the home front...with my parents. Always fun. Not talking to them for 5 months was actually a good thing. The break of the stress I had allowed them to place on me was much needed.

March led to even more death. Chad called me on Jordyn's birthday (well in the US it was, it was already the 31st in Iraq). As he was walking back to his room there was an explosion....they lost 5 more "brothers". Death seems to be all around us. I didn't relax until Chad was out of that country and was in the US. I will NEVER know the pain and horror Chad has experienced and honestly I don't want to know. I know the sadness I've felt on my side, seeing wives ache over the loss of their husbands, watch parents try to figure out how to live after their own child has died.

We all know death happens with war, but until it's the one you love over there it's just not quite as real. I have felt very similar feelings when Jordyn was fighting cancer, but it's still a different feeling. Chad is my husband and the thought of raising these 2 precious boys without him for the rest of their childhood was terrifying to me. I never thought I'd live a day when Jordyn died, but I soon realized that no amount of hoping and praying was going to let me join Jordyn in heaven and since I couldn't kill myself I had to figure out how to keep living day in and day out. There were many days spent in bed or the couch and if I did go anywhere else it was to the desk hoping on "here" to the internet to chat with Tami or Kelly, and be reassured that life really was still going on somehow without our kids.

The difference from then, almost 5 yrs ago, and last year when Chad was in Iraq is that I now know I can keep on going, and in fact I don't have a choice. I will HAVE to keep going. The boys need me and would depend on me. Thankfully, Chad is home safe and alive. I pray 2005 is as kind.

So, onto what 2005 means. Jordyn would be in the 1st grade, she'd be gettingready to turn 7 in March. Instead I'm marking 5 yrs since she died. What is it about these magical no? When she would have turned 5 it hurt me so very much. Here we are at 5yrs since she died and just thinking about it makes me feel like I could go throw up. Those who think you move on, that you miss less are either very blessed with their naivity or just in denial. I think to a point the years some how make the pain a little more managable, yet there are still days where you just can't catch your breath. That it hurts to take a breath because all you want is to hold them in your arms. The thought of 50 more years without Jordyn is just really too much. I know I have another year that I've survived with her in Heaven. I still can't believe she's gone.

I pray that this year there will be some major break through in childhood cancer. I don't know if it will happen ever in my lifetime, but to know that not another child has to suffer the evil fate of CC.

I guess we will see what this year holds for us...maybe I can have a little more peace in my heart. That would be nice.

1 comment:

pixiedustnme said...

There are so many nights when I would have just shriveled up and died without you - thank you for being a great life line.  I love you! -Kelly