Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Falling apart

(btw NOT me in pic)

Who am I? I'm fat. I'm married, I'm a mother, I believe in GOD, but do not feel worthy of his love and grace. I struggle with this body that is now mine, and there's a lot of it. I hate what I have become.

Yesterday after getting dressed my backside was facing the mirror and I happened to catch the glimpse. I saw what I had become. I've KNOWN for a long time I'm fat, but until yesterday somehow I've denied just how fat I have gotten.

My self-esteem has fallen to an all time low. I don't see how anyone could ever find me attractive much less love me.

My marriage is not so great right now and counceling is in the future for us, it's that or we're done. We've been 2 people doing a lot of pretending for quite a while. I love my husband, yet feel hatred. I don't know if that's even possible, is it?

I feel lost trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I know my heart is forever broken. I miss my daughter. I miss pig tails, painting nails, dress's, cute little pink and purle outfits. I miss boa's, purses, babydolls.

I wouldn't trade my boys for the world, I just want my little girl back. I know the desires of the impossible. THE Ultimate IMPOSSIBLE DREAM. I daydream of dying and going to heaven. Being with my Lord and Savior, most of all dreaming of holding Jordyn in my arms again. Oh to feel her in my arms. I miss her smell, her giggles, the warm deep breathing on my neck as she falls asleep. I miss the gentle strokes of pulling on my hair when she would get tired.

I know when Jordyn died, I left my marriage, emotionally. I took it for granted and have continued to take it for granted. I've lived with my husband's life in the balance in another country where insurgents would rather kill their own without mercy, and finds some kind of pleasure out of beheading those they see as the ultimate enemy.

I feel like I'm on some sort of rollercoaster, going upside down a lot, and sometimes stopping in the loop and I'm just hanging there wondering when I'm going to drop.

I'm tired of being fat, of course the fat is what makes me tired. It's a cycle that unless I do something about I'm not going to get out of it.

I'm tired of not feeling loved, really  loved. By myself and my husband. I want my boys to see how they are to treat a woman by the example of their father. Right now, I'd be less than happy if they grew up and treated their wife the way I've been treated. I also want them to see how to be treated by a wife, and again I'd be so disappointed if they were drawn to a wife like me.

So with the new year, I am finding a couple weeks later that changes are a must.




fairylaura said...

All I can do and say is (((((HUGS YOU TIGHTLY)))))) I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. Take care!!


pixiedustnme said...

Oh sweetie, I know how hard this is for you.  I know that God's grace will comfort you as you go through these changes.  I also know that some days that sounds like small comfort.  I wish we could live in the "could have beens" I'd be moving in right next door to you.  I love you!

truetomyboo61302 said...

I know how you feel about the body part. I get down on myself as well. I have my good days and my bad but in the end I remember God still loves me. I know that I will change the way I look it will just take some time but I must be strong. Hun, you are a beautiful person no matter what you look like and you must remember that. Now for your marriage, if you don't mind me saying this. I think you are right to say couseling is a option for you and your husband. You both have endured some really hard times and you both need to join to together and get some outside help for dealing with these things. They will never go away and that is not the point of getting counseling but it is a way to coup better with them. You are in my prayers and heart. Take care of who you are. Hugs,Katie

milmomrrw said...

Christy,   i can relate to the body issues, the marriage problems.....I am praying for you both.  And i know that you guys can endure, and get through this time.  Counseling, prayer, and love.   The picture you sent for christmas, i can see the love that you have for you family.  I have seen and can hear the love you have for Chad.  I also can see th epart of yourself missing since Jordyn's death, but i can also see where you have grown in Christ.  Use HIS Love to get you through.  I'm here, if and when you need me.   I love you Christy, and wish i could be there to sit there with you, talk, laugh, cry, etc with you.  I miss you soooooooo much.  (((((((((((christy))))))))))))))))


lici0uslatin22 said...

Ho I am new to your Journal and I am going almost trugh the same situation you are going about your weigth I know how bad it is and I hated it being fat my self what could we do.... I think you should read my journal...

robinngabster said...

I am fat too!  :)   Not the skinny minny I was many years ago...nope having my baby changed all that. I feel your fat pain...I know it well. Will keep you in my prayers.