Sunday, May 11, 2008

Jordyn's Heaven Anniversary was one of the hardest I've had so far, besides the first one. The whole week leading up was awful and the day of was just the topper you could say. I can say with all honesty I don't recall being so teary. The tears came almost constantly throughout the day and evening. It's a week I prefer not to go through, and if I could just sleep through it I would. I really wanted to sleep all day on Thursday but of course that's not possible when you have 3 small children.

Tomorrow/Monday marks the date Jordyn's funeral and burial was. It's just such a blur in ways and as clear as today at the same time. I just can't get into it anymore than this, because I'm so emotionally and physically drained.

Today/Mother's Day was not good. The boys were ugly, which in turn I was equally if not more so ugly. I can easily say I could have slept through today and woke up on Tuesday and it would have been better. Instead I had to drudge through the miserable day. Chad and I argued as well, it was just a delightful day I'm telling you. Chad did get Emma's room painted. He has a very small section left, but has to get paint, just a section of the last wall didn't get much paint and he ran completely out and he has to get the edges done, it shouldn't take him much time at all tomorrow to do it. I did paint one wall. I'd never painted before so that was interesting. I can say that I didn't enjoy it at all. LOL. It wasn't awful, just not a lot of fun obviously. I'll let Chad continue that job.

I'm watching a friends son in the morning. I needed to get more cleaned up around here, but it didn't happen. The place isn't that great right now, but it's been worse. The sad thing is, I just don't care. I don't have the energy and I'm going to bed here soon. I should have went an hour or so earlier.

Oh since this is just a downer of a post I have another little rant. Emma was supposed to be dedicated today, but the chaplain who was supposed to do it, FORGOT! I'm pretty ticked off. He apologized to Chad. I didn't get close enough to him to even talk to him. I left the sanctuary after the service was over and went and got the boys. I have talked to him about th is since before they went out to the field in Feb. we were supposed to have it done in March. I talked to him when they returned from the field and he told me we'd do it that following Sunday, it didn't happen. Chad talked to him and he said 2 weeks from then, and again it didn't happen. Then went on block leave. Then we talked to him again about it, and he said it'd happen. It was posted in the handout we get before service, so I just assumed that he'd talked to the head chaplain, but when we got to chapel (Emma all dressed in the dress I had bought that I thought was perfect for her to be dedicated in and me dressed up extra special) I find that only ONE baby was being dedicated and it was NOT Emma. I was so hurt I was in tears. I told Chad and he talked to the Ch. that we'd been talking to and he said "oh I got so busy this past week, I forgot to tell Ch. W.. Well he's NOT dedicating my child. We have a friend in the chapel who's an ordained minister and we're going to ask him to perform her dedication next Sunday. We have to make sure it's ok with the head Chaplain. This will most likely be Chad's last Sunday at church so if we're going to get this done before he leaves it has to be this Sunday or not at all. To us a baby dedication is just our declaration that we'll be raising Emma in the church, as a child of God, and will teach her the truth that Christ is our Risen Lord. The congregation promised to keep us accountable and help in teaching Emma about Christ.

So it wasn't a good Mother's Day. To be honest this hasn't been a good year at all when it comes to days that I am "supposed" to be the focus in any way. My birthday was a bust not even a card and today although I got gifts, most were last minute (yesterday) gifts, other than 1 thing. I know I'm sounding really ungrateful and I wish I didn't sound that way. I'm just so numb and angry right now. Life's not fair and I get that more than ever. It is what it is.

I'm tired and going to bed. I hope your day was a lot better than mine, if it was as bad as mine I'm sad for you.


mikalsgrl said...

((((((((((((((((((((((((( christy )))))))))))))))))))))

I am right there with you friend- not been a good one for me....just in different ways. I miss my mom more today than I ever thought I would and she passed away in 1995. It seems the older I get-the more I want her near and miss her more.

I want you to know that I was thinking of you all day-

bhbner2him said...

Very regretful about Emma's dedication.  Looks like he could of just spoken up and said, "We also have another!"  Bound to have been a hard blow to you, especially after the week you have had.  

God bless and uphold you, dear.  


jfourb said...

If only we didn't have to learn that life isn't fair! But then we wouldn't learn much would we? I know what you mean about special days. This happens to me and now I just pretend they are any other day, and I hate that, but no big deal. No gifts, no phone calls, no big deal.

Hope your week gets better!

deshelestraci said...

Big Hugs, Christy.  

ksgal3133 said...

I'm sorry that this has been a rough week for you. Your still in my thoughts and prayers!


manda2177 said...

I totally understand.  LIke, really, REALLY understand.  I am sorry that you are feeling all of these heavy and frustrating emotions...  I know one thing that has helped me is listening to music.  Stop by my journal... you might find the song fits your mood pretty right on.

Blessings dear sister in Christ-and know that you have someone praying for you.

fairylaura said...

((Christy)) I'm sorry you haven't been having a good year... especially on Mother's Day.. where your hard work and dedication is supposed to be appreciated.
I'm also sorry about the Chaplain 'forgetting' to dedicate Emma. That is very hurtful. I hope you all get it done before Chad leaves.



nelishianatl said...

I've had years like that.  And there was a time when there was nothing year after year after year.  This year my Mother's Day wasn't good either, but not nearly as bad nor for the sad reason yours is.  You don't sound ungrateful to me.  You sound naturally hurt.  Who wouldn't be?  I'm sorry about this week and what you went through.  It's horrible.  I wish you less pain.  Maybe next year it will not hurt this much.


scotthlori said...

{{{Christy}}}  I wish I could give you a hug and be there for you.  I'm so sad that you are hurtin.  :o(

I had Lacie dedicated.  To me it was a big thing.  But we did not invite family I wanted Christians to stand up with me  . . . that is what it means, after all.  I had my friend and her husband stand up with us, who is the assistant pastor.  

By the time I had Maggie, I had left the church.  But in the hospital that afternoon, I did it myself.  I dedicated her to the Lord, MYSELF.  And it was just as special to me and the Lord.  :o)