I was so close to deleting last nights entry this morning, actually I started feeling panicked about it, feeling I'd written too much, or that what I wrote could be read by someone I'm close to and they would feel hurt, but then I read Julie and Betty's comments and thought otherwise. The reality is I'm not the only person who feels this way, who feels surrounded but alone. I'm not the only one who needs certain things, but has a hard time vocalizing them, who's struggling with things beyond words, who's heart hurts. One thing I know that's effecting my mood and heart is that Thursday will mark 8 yrs since Jordyn died. Let me tell you this something so humbling (not sure that's even the right word but it's the one that continues to come to my head) at the thought that it's been 8 yrs since I last held my little girl. To hear her sweet voice one more time, most of all to feel her snuggled up to me. She has this way of laying her head in my neck and she'd be facing my neck and her warm, sweet breath against my neck and the way she'd play with my hair...oh how I miss that feeling. Almost 8 years and 3 more children later and my arms STILL ACHE for Jordyn. Don't let people fool you who've lost a child, to say the ache goes away, it does not. You still can ALMOST feel them, but yet you can't. Your arms are still empty of THEM. I'm at a point where not a lot of people are willing to see the true depths of the pain. Most days I can sincerely put on a smile, but there are days where I want to just cry and hurt for Jordyn. I miss her. A mommy is not supposed to bury her child, it's just that simple, yet I and thousands of others day everyday. Anyway's...missing Jordyn definitely has to do with my previous post.
then there's my best friend .We have not been talking as much as we used to. We used to talk everyday and now sometimes a week or two will go without talking. I miss her so much. We live in two parts of the world, 6 hours differing in time zones, we both have kids, we're both busy with kids practices, games, play dates, the list goes on. I probably talk to her answering machine more than her and I hate that. There's lots of perks to living in the US and being only 1 hour time difference is one of them.
I was up last night until after 4 am, I only went to bed because Emma woke up and wanted to nurse. Chad took Jacob to the theater, he has a play today, they had to be there at 11 am to do one last rehersal, get in make up, and costume. He was running to the commissary to get Jacob a snack to eat, get things for dinner tonight, return Jack's new sketcher sandles, which the strap broke the very first time he wore them, and get me some essentials, oh and he has to bring lunch home and well he probably won't be home until noon and I'm starving. He just called actually, he's going to run to the book store here on post and get Jacob a card and book as a congratulations for a job well done in his play!
Ok, I have to get off of here and get dressed for my day, etc. I feel like a bum right now.
Thank you Julie and Betty for letting me know I'm not alone in these feelings.