Saturday, May 3, 2008

I was so close to deleting last nights entry this morning, actually I started feeling panicked about it, feeling I'd written too much, or that what I wrote could be read by someone I'm close to and they would feel hurt, but then I read Julie and Betty's comments and thought otherwise. The reality is I'm not the only person who feels this way, who feels surrounded but alone. I'm not the only one who needs certain things, but has a hard time vocalizing them, who's struggling with things beyond words, who's heart hurts. One thing I know that's effecting my mood and heart is that Thursday will mark 8 yrs since Jordyn died. Let me tell you this something so humbling (not sure that's even the right word but it's the one that continues to come to my head) at the thought that it's been 8 yrs since I last held my little girl. To hear her sweet voice one more time, most of all to feel her snuggled up to me. She has this way of laying her head in my neck and she'd be facing my neck and her warm, sweet breath against my neck and the way she'd play with my hair...oh how I miss that feeling. Almost 8 years and 3 more children later and my arms STILL ACHE for Jordyn. Don't let people fool you who've lost a child, to say the ache goes away, it does not. You still can ALMOST feel them, but yet you can't. Your arms are still empty of THEM. I'm at a point where not a lot of people are willing to see the true depths of the pain. Most days I can sincerely put on a smile, but there are days where I want to just cry and hurt for Jordyn. I miss her. A mommy is not supposed to bury her child, it's just that simple, yet I and thousands of others day everyday. Anyway's...missing Jordyn definitely has to do with my previous post.

then there's my best friend .We have not been talking as much as we used to. We used to talk everyday and now sometimes a week or two will go without talking. I miss her so much. We live in two parts of the world, 6 hours differing in time zones, we both have kids, we're both busy with kids practices, games, play dates, the list goes on. I probably talk to her answering machine more than her and I hate that. There's lots of perks to living in the US and being only 1 hour time difference is one of them.

I was up last night until after 4 am, I only went to bed because Emma woke up and wanted to nurse. Chad took Jacob to the theater, he has a play today, they had to be there at 11 am to do one last rehersal, get in make up, and costume. He was running to the commissary to get Jacob a snack to eat, get things for dinner tonight, return Jack's new sketcher sandles, which the strap broke the very first time he wore them, and get me some essentials, oh and he has to bring lunch home and well he probably won't be home until noon and I'm starving. He just called actually, he's going to run to the book store here on post and get Jacob a card and book as a congratulations for a job well done in his play!

Ok, I have to get off of here and get dressed for my day, etc. I feel like a bum right now.


Thank you Julie and Betty for letting me know I'm not alone in these feelings.



ksgal3133 said...

oh I am crying reading this.  We're coming up on Matthew's 2 year anniversary and this month is so hard and at times unbearable to get through. Everyday I too put on a face but down inside it hurts so much. There are days I just don't know how to get through it but then I think of you and find the strength. I will be thinking of you this coming Thursday and sending you extra prayers.


lv2trnscrb said...

you are welcome, Christy, and I think it is hard when an anniversary of a loved one's death or a milestone in their life comes up; I can't imagine how hard it is to have lost a child, I agree with you, though, you would continually grieve for them even though you know where they are at, but you still want the chance to have them in your life this side of eternity (((Christy)))

I'm going to turn my alerts off for 10 days; we're moving and before then my husband and me are taking a mini-vacation; so I'll catch up with you when I come back, but know that I will be praying for you :)


chat2missie said...

You may be in another country right now, but no, you are not alone!!  Sending you lots of hugs long distance!!

deshelestraci said...

On our ladies retreat this weekend, one of the ladies shared that her daughter was killed by a hit and run driver 14 years ago this month.  I don't think any mom would ever get over losing a child.  Big hugs to you and prayers during this week.

lifesabench6 said...

Hi Christy- OK, now I'm a little caught up.  As with my last comment, I can't even come close to imagining what you've gone through- a loss of a child.  I believe that if I ever lost my son, I would feel the way you describe for the rest of my life.  I think that in today's society- even in the church- that we are so used to having everything rushed, and instant this that and the other, unfortunately- for those who are deeply grieving- it's almost expected to "get over it" and move on.  People assume just because more time has passed that grieving people should be over it by now.  Even in the church- so many well meaning people assume ecause we're Christians, and depend on Him- that somehow someone is wrong for still grieving after a certain time.  I don't know if this is sounding the way it does as I think of it- so please fprgive me if it sounds weird.  After a loss of my aunt recently- a dear brother in Christ, who lost his son last fall told me that  grieving takes so long becuase we wouldn't be able to handle it all at once.  The process may change every once in a while- from sadness to missing them, to hurt and frustration etc., some days are better than others- but it is still there.  It's a way to remember the good things.  I'm sorry Christy- I wish I could say something to help you feel beter, but please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. God bless you~ Carolyn

ekgillen said...

This was obviously a very hard entry to write for you.  There is nothing I can say to make you feel better but I hope writing about your baby girl and sharing her with us gives you a bit of comfort.
(((HUGS))) my friend!!