Friday, May 2, 2008

I've attempted to write this 3 times now and everytime I've just deleted everything. Being completely open and raw here is not my nature. I always thought I was a very open person, that I could share things easily, but I'm finding that as I get older the less I share even with those closest to me.

More often than not I find myself the one sitting and listening quietly, adding a comment here and there but other than that, not much else. Then praying. This goes for face to face as well as phone and internet.

Part of the being quiet is obeying God, simply listening and doing all I can to be a good friend and not one upping, etc. The other part is I'm simply not asked how I am, what I need to talk about, etc. It's beyond just one or two friends too, it's pretty well everyone. I'm not sure why either. For a couple I know why and it's fine, we all have times in our lives where we are required to just sit back, shut your mouth, and listen and be a friend....but other times shouldn't that shoe be on another's foot? Maybe right now I'm supposed to be that quiet friend, to everyone. If so and I'm being honest here, it's not easy, it's very hard, and makes me sad and really lonely. No one and I mean no one truly knows ME. A few know a fair amount about me, but no one knows except for Jesus knows all of me. But let me write it right here, a select few could know a lot more about me because I want them to know, but it's not an issue right now.

Are you ever surrounded by people, people who care and love you, and still feel alone? Feel like no one really wants to hear what you have to say?

It is what it is I guess and I just need to suck it up and accept it.

We're about to face a 15 month deployment and the one person that I tell more to than anyone else is about to leave for Iraq. I'm sad. There's a song that continues to go through my head:

 

"Does Anybody Hear Her" Casting Crowns

She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even knows she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away

If judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her

He is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction

 

 

Casting Crowns - Does Anybody Hear Her

11 comments:

jfourb said...

I do know that 'alone' feeling, although I've never faced a deployment. Still, its so easy to feel alone when surrounded by those that love you. My thoughts are with you since I'm feeling the same way right now.

Hugs,
Julie

lv2trnscrb said...

I feel that way a lot Christy, but I'm not faced with a 15-month deployment

I am sad that Chad is going to be deployed and I'm praying for you and him daily; I know 3 internet people in various places of their deployment; one half way through, one a year to go and then you and Chad getting ready for another one; I know its no coincidence the Lord led me to these people

I would like to know you better; I would like to have you share things with me if you want to; I did write that comment in your journal the other day of what I could do to help you get through the deployment and I was serious about that

I'm here if you ever want to email me and share your feelings; I don't understand a deployment; but I do understand lonely

betty

ksgal3133 said...

((Christy))
I do know how you feel. When Ben deployed in the past, yes I had friends around, but it's not the same as when your best friend/husband is gone.

Sending you many prayers,
Gretchen

chat2missie said...

I have no idea what the feeling must be like knowing your husband, your best friend, is soon leaving and going to be away for 15 months.  You wifes in the military deserve a lot, and I mean a lot of credit.  You are so brave!!  If you need to talk or vent, I'm hear for you.  I may not understand fully what you're going thru, but my ears will be listening.
Missie

bhbner2him said...

Yep, I feel that way a lot.  And yes, I'd say Jesus is the only one who TRULY knows me.  But I thank God for a sister still here with me who comes close.  And a son who lets me pour my heart out at times.  And a hubby who cares more than he wants to let on.  With most folks I share a lot.  And they probably feel they are seeing me.  But the truth is they are only getting the filtered version.  -  Barbara
http://journals.aol.com/bhbner2him/LifeFaithinCaneyhead/

deshelestraci said...

I'm so sorry that you don't have a close friend right now.  I'm glad you have Chad but I know that with him gone you will be lonely.  I don't really think we are supposed to go through a season of just listening.  I prayed for a friend a while back.  God is good and He wants what is best for us.  he sent me a new friend who is amazing.  
Traci

lifesabench6 said...

Hi Christy- I feel so bad that I haven't had a chance to come visit- and now you're in this spot.  I'm not sure, because I'm not always here to read up and hear you, what is happening, I'm actually the third post down (you've written 2 more since this that Im reading right now- and I'll read those next) I'm sorry that you're feeling badly- that Chad is leaving and you will be missing him so much.  I know what you mean when you say you're surrounded by those that love you but you're alone- Ifeel that way often.  I have no idea of what it must be like though to be a military wife with little ones- with your precious husband having to go - I can't imagine it, would hate it most likely.  I know you have some close friends- but if you ever need an ear- e amil me.  I know it's not the same, and that you only know me by J land- but I don't gossip and things that are said out of need to let go- I NEVER let them go past my lips.  God Bless you sweety. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Please rest in His strength and peace.  Love Carolyn

ekgillen said...

I can so totally relate to this entry.  I have a lot of friends but few really "know" me.  I am sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
I am here if you need a friend.
(((HUGS)))
Gillie

chevyz71gurl74 said...

Christy...
  I can really relate to you as well...I have maybe 2 really good friends...5 total probably...but closer to 2...but even then I don't tell them everything thats on my mind, or my most personal feelings....I just hold alot of it in and keep it to myself...

  It's hard on me to be completely open and raw as well, I guess you can tell that in my journal, cause rarely do i write anything really personal....

Just know we are always here for you girl

Wow...Casting Crowns is just awesome...I may
have to buy their cd...thanks for sharing

Hugs
Terri

chevyz71gurl74 said...

Christy...
  I can really relate to you as well...I have maybe 2 really good friends...5 total probably...but closer to 2...but even then I don't tell them everything thats on my mind, or my most personal feelings....I just hold alot of it in and keep it to myself...

  It's hard on me to be completely open and raw as well, I guess you can tell that in my journal, cause rarely do i write anything really personal....

Just know we are always here for you girl

Wow...Casting Crowns is just awesome...I may
have to buy their cd...thanks for sharing

Hugs
Terri

scotthlori said...

"Are you ever surrounded by people, people who care and love you, and still feel alone? Feel like no one really wants to hear what you have to say?"

Every day, Christy, every day.  Now that you can ALWAYS ALWAYS email me or/ IM me . . . always!   You read my journal . . . you know I get lost often.

Tears are streaming down my face.  I have that CD but had not seen the video.  I love that CC recorded this song . . .  the church NEEDS that kind of brutal honesty.

LORI