The Final Inspection

THE FINAL INSPECTION

The soldier stood and faced God,

Which must always come to pass.

He hoped his shoes were shining,

Just as brightly as his brass.

"Step forward now, you soldier,

How shall I deal with you?

Have you always turned the other cheek?

To My Church have you been true?"

The soldier squared his shoulders and said,

"No, Lord, I guess I ain't.

Because those of us who carry guns,

Can't always be a saint.

I've had to work most Sundays,

And at times my talk was tough.

And sometimes I've been violent,

Because the world is awfully rough.

But, I never took a penny,

That wasn't mine to keep...

Though I worked a lot of overtime,

When the bills got just too steep.

And I never passed a cry for help,

Though at times I shook with fear.

And sometimes, God, forgive me,

I've wept unmanly tears.

I know I don't deserve a place,

Among the people here.

They never wanted me around,

Except to calm their fears.

If you've a place for me here, Lord,

It needn't be so grand.

I never expected or had too much,

But if you don't, I'll understand."

There was a silence all around the throne,

Where the saints had often trod.

As the soldier waited quietly,

For the judgment of his God.

"Step forward now, you soldier,

You've borne your burdens well.

Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets,

You've done your time in Hell."

Author Unknown~

Held

Held

Natalie Grant

Two Months is too little

They Let Him Go

They Had No sudden healing

To think that providence

Would Take a child from his mother

While She Prayers, Is Appalling

Who told us we'd be rescued

What has changed and

Why should we be saved from nightmares

We're asking why this happens to us

Who have died to live, it's unfair

Chorus:

This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And You Survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was that when everthing fell

We'd be held

 

This hand is bitterness

We want to taste it and

Let the hatred numb our sorrows

The wise hand opens slowly

To lilies of the Valley and tomorrow

 

This is what it means to be held

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

And You survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was that when everything fell

We'd be held

 

If Hope is born of suffering

If this is only the beginning

Can we notwait, for one hour

Watching for our savior

 

This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was that when everything fell

We'd be Held

(Repeat chorus)

 

This song has touched me more than I can describe. I'm going to be singing it at our church on Jordyn's 5th anniversary, which just happens to so cruely land on Mother's Day this year. I knew this day would happen, I just wished it wouldn't. I wish I never knew this heartache and pain.

 

I know in my heart that one day I will be with Jordyn again. I am always held by Jesus. I know that, yet sometimes I still feel like I am falling and wonder when he's going to catch me. I am discovering though, he does it in those little ways...like last night as Jacob layed in his bed wimpering because he "missed his sister". Oh how my heart aches for him. He never "met" Jordyn...I found out I was pg with him after she died...yet he knows her. He loves her, and he misses her. He misses the things he'll never get to experience by having that older sister. I ache for him. I ache for both of my boys, because they'll always be missing out on the life of having a big sister.

Yet, he catches me. He shows me that just because he never got to feel her kisses or hugs, or ever got to smell her sweet smell...he loves her. That's what matters. He shows me that our words and love for her, is enough...for him to love her too.

I know Jesus will never leave me or foresake me. I just need reminded of that every once in  while. He gives me my family and friends to show me that HE always holds me up, gets me through every day, and loves me no matter what.

I feel sad for those who don't know Jesus. Who don't know what it's like to have that unconditional love.For those who don't know if they're going to Heaven. That makes me ache.

I'm growing. I see that. I definately find myself going back to stupid habits...but up until just recently I didn't feel sadness for those who didn't know or accept the truth, I felt anger and superiority. I'm no better than anyone else. I just thankfully know the truth.

I wish for all those who are hurting in one way or another they'd know the comfort of being "held."

Weddings

Today a friend from church got married. He met his now wife online. They both have been married before and have children. The wedding was simple and beautiful. It truly felt like although the wedding was important, it wasn't about the "wedding" but about their marriage. They each wrote special vows to each others children. I of course was sitting there with the tears just streaming down my face as they each made promises and shared their hopes.

As I watched them look at each other, she was absolutely glowing...the smile truly never left her face the entire day. You could tell she was so happy and just truly excited to be getting married and to be married. He was so happy too, and just kept smiling and laughing!

There is someting about a wedding that makes your heart fill. I looked at my husband and although he's not perfect, I'm thankful he's my husband. God blessed me with him. I'm so thankful for that blessing.

 

St.Baldrick's Event

We had our St.Baldrick's Day event on Saturday and it went really good! We had a total of 16 shavee's, 7 of them were children ages 2-7 yrs! It was a lot of fun. If you are wanting to do something rewarding, fun, with a bit of work, to help childhood cancer research and to know that the dollars are really going to CC research, I HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend organizing a St.Baldrick's Day Event/Celebration in your area. So far in the last 5 yrs they've raised over 7 million dollars for research and this year alone they've ALREADY raised over 3 million and not all the events are done and definately not all the dollars have been counted!

The pictures above are of my dh and my son who both shaved their head. I'm so proud of both of them. Of course with hubby being in the Army it wasn't a "huge" sacrifice , but our sweet little man who was bald for the first 2 yrs of his life pretty well and didn't get his first hair cut til after he was 3 1/2 yrs old! LOL This was only his 3rd haircut! LOL

If you're still interested in sponsoring my dh or son, let me know and I'll send you the link to do so!

 

Update

I just wanted to let you know I updated my weight loss journal http://journals.aol.com/my3gifts/MyWeightLossJourney/

It was a good week! :)

Jordyn's 7th Birthday

That picture of Jordyn and Chad (Daddy) was taken when she was exactly 1 week old, it was the night before Chad left for Germany.

Yesterday was Jordyn's 7th birthday. I can't even imagine what it must be like to have a 7 yr old. I try so hard to picture what she would look like and I just can't. I can't see what her face would have matured to look like. What color her hair would be or how long it would be. She was such a girly-girl and I wonder, would she still be?

My heart screams out, but no one can hear it. As it rained off and on all day yesterday, I thought of how perfect the weather was for my mood. Break through tears kept coming, and I never knew when to expect them, how long they would last, or when they would stop, or come again.

Last night at the moment she was born, I started a video of her. It was right when we'd gotten to Germany, the video was from the time she was 7 months old til she was almost 9 months old (Christmas). It was beautiful to see her, hear her, and almost feel her in my arms. Watching myself and Chad hold her, play with her oh how I miss the feel of her in my arms. I cried many times, but to hear those sweet noices coming out of her, seeing her wave at us. I thank GOD everyday we have those video's, even if I can't watch them everyday, to know I have them and can watch them when ever I want is a blessing like no other.

I look at my boys and wonder what I did to deserve them. I'm so thankful for them. I'm sad for them too. They "know" their sister, yet they will Never "get to know" their sister, not the way they were supposed to.

I know one day I will be with my sweet girl again. I know the ache in my heart will never stop or go away. I know some wish it would, but those who wish that are just uncomfortable in my grief. That is their problem, not mine.

For many bereaved cancer parents and possibly other bereaved parents Cindy Bullens is a known and loved musician and writer. She has an album written of her pain and raw feelings after her daughter, Jesse died from cancer, here's one of her songs and the title of the particular cd that is so beloved by me and many others.

"Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth

I curse the night

I watched you slip away

Wouldn't have done good

To beg you to stay

You were here beside me

But now you're gone

I'm just trying hard

To carry on

But there's no rhythm in the rain

There's no magic in the moon

There's no power in this pain

Till somwhere between heaven and earth

I can find you again

Hearts are broken

And dreams are lost

But I made a promise to love

At any cost

Little did I know

The price was so high

Losing forever

In the blink of an eye

There's no rhythm in the rain

there's no wishes in the stars

There's no power in this pain

Till somewhere between heaven and earth

I can hold you again

If I could one more time

Feel your hand in mine

Here you voice call my name

And whisper sweet good night

Then there'd be rhythm in the rain

There'd be magic in the moon

No such thing as love in vain

And somewhere between heaven and earth

You'd be with me again

And I could see you again

And I could you again, my baby

Somewhere between heaven and earth...

I will see you again

 

Thank you Cindy for writing these songs and giving us music and words that describe our pain so well. I truly believe that unless you've lost a child you just can not comprehend the pain. I would never want anyone to know this heartache.

 

 

Sneaks up on you

The days in March always seem to sneak up on me. My friend, Kelly's son's birthday is on the 21st, then Jordyn's dx day is March 24.March 30 is Jordyn's birthday. Yesterday of course was Jordyn's anniversary. Six years. 6 yrs! How does the time keep passing me by? Where does it go? I can feel those feelings still. I can feel my life taking a dive into a world I knew existed, but never thoug ht I'd ever know anything about it personally. I long for those days of being naive. 

I find myself reacting first, praying later. I know for me I don't always realize that I'm being what others call "overly emotional". I don't know if that's really an accurate term, it's being real. It's being human. I know most do not truly understand these feelings, and I wouldn't want them to. I'm thankful for the friends I have who unfortunately get it. I wish they didn't, but because they do, I'm thankful we have each other.

Thank you to those who have been there for me. Kelly,
I know you read this and you have been here for me the longest as far as friends who "get it". I love you. I know March is hard for you too and neither of us look forward to May. You lift me up more than you ever know.