Just one of those things

You ever have those times where you just are not even sure how you feel, just know it's not happy, not sad, definately not mad...more of a blah, but not quite?

I'm doing tons of research for our Disney World trip and my goodness I'm so overwhelmed with it all and it looks like I'm going to be the one doing all the planning, making sure we have the best prices for everything. Part of me just wants to scream, but that takes at least a little energy.

I know it'll all work out, but good grief I just wish sometimes things like planning a vacation could just be easy. Maybe I'm just not supposed to work on it tonight and in a day or 2 things will just fall in place. Right now the big issue is drive or fly. They both have positives and negatives. Flying:positive we're there same day, flight is short. Neg. price, although it's less than 1,000. so not too bad. Driving positive, we don't have to rent a car when we get down there, we can take our time and see other places if we want. I think we can get down there on about 100-150 in gas and if we take 3 days driving time, we would only have to stop at a motel/hotel 2 nights which we can get a place to stay anywhere between 30-60 a night. Which if we look at the high end on both that's still only 270.00 to get there or 540.00 round trip that way and that's def. cheaper than flying. Neg. prob a 3 day trip (Jackson doesn't care to travel more than 7 maybe 9 hrs in his carseat). We will all be in the van for 3 days! We will have to get food fast food or resturant at least 1 time every day.  I do think we can eat out for 20.00 a day. We will take snacks, fruit, veggies, and lunch meats for sandwiches for at least either lunch or dinner and we can have fruit, cheerio's, donuts, etc for breakfast, or hopefully at least a continental breakfast where ever we stay. We can have some juices, waters, and yes pop in a cooler.

We just have to figure out what we want to do and how. I know it'll work out and now that I've written all this I feel better. Of course now I'm just tired. Suppose I should get my butt to bed!

Beautiful Boy

Since Jackson was only a couple months old I've sang this song to him. He's always had such a precious face to me. He's such a Momma's boy. He's spoiled beyond belief, but I think he's perfect to a T! LOL

He loves his mommy and his na-na's! LOL He gets excited to see Daddy come home from work everyday and always runs to greet him, and adores his big brother. I'm blessed beyond belief. I don't know why GOD found me worthy enough to give me Jacob and Jackson, but he has for some crazy reason.

Tonight I'm thankful for my baby boy who's growing too quickly for my liking. He's closer to a year and a half than a year now. He has his own personality that's for sure, and boy is it strong! Tonight he got out the wax paper and I told him to put it up,and he did. I stood there in awe that he "knows" this and follows directions. He still seems like such a baby to me. I think because Jordyn had died before Jacob was born, I never got to view him as the "little brother " that he also is. I feel like I've parented 2 "oldest" children and now with Jackson parenting him is so different, because Jacob's here to be that big brother. He's a wonderful big brother. He loves Jackson, gets annoyed with him at times, but loves him with such intensity. It humbles me beyond belief to be a mother.

Tonight I'm thanking GOD for not my 1 beautiful boy, but for both of my beautiful boys (always loving my beautiful girl)...so with that I will end with John Lennon's beautiful words about his beautiful boy, that has been sung by many mommy and daddy's in love with their own:

Close your eyes,
Have no fear,
The monsters gone,
He's on the run and your daddy's here,

Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy,

Before you go to sleep,
Say a little prayer,
Every day in every way,
It's getting better and better,

Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy,

Out on the ocean sailing away,
I can hardly wait,
To see you to come of age,
But I guess we'll both,
Just have to be patient,
Yes it's a long way to go,
But in the meantime,

Before you cross the street,
Take my hand,
Life is just what happens to you,
While your busy making other plans,

Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy,
Darling,
Darling,
Darling Sean.

JOHN LENNON - "Beautiful Boy(Darling Boy)" lyrics

Goodbye Jen

 

I can't imagine being a woman in the military. I am in awe of some of the women who are in the military who really do try to balance being a woman, being a soldier, wife if they are, mommy if they are, etc.

Soon a good friend of ours is heading off to Iraq. Her husband has been in Korea since Fall of 2003, and in late summer of 2004 his unit went to Iraq. They were only married for about 2 months when he left for Korea. Their marriage is really suffering because of the military, yet they are soldiers and whether they like it or not, the Army does come first before Family.

As Jen said goodbye, she shared with me her fears and her desire to not go. Who can blame her. She's scared. She knows many who've made it home safely, and many who did not. Her own husband, who btw is a great friend of ours (was our friend before we met Jen actually..Chad and Kenyata actually worked together) lost his hearing in one ear, after an IED landed beside him and exploded. He's soon if not already being fitted for a hearing aid, in hopes that he has not lost all hearing in that ear.

I think often people romanticize our soldiers and forget they are REAL people. They have people who care about and love them. Now don't get me wrong, they ARE Hero's. They are also everyday people. Some are plain and simple stupid human beings and the thought of them defending our country is truly frightening. There are some who are too smart for their own good, there are some who are just silly goofy people, there are some who are so full of love and kindness you can't imagine them doing things that they may have to do while in war. There are some who are Army to their bones, and there are some who are well just who they are. I don't know if that makes any sense. Either way though, they are all hero's. They all CHOSE to join this military and no matter their personal beliefs of this war..they go because it's their DUTY. Country comes before personal wants. Too few people make the call of duty today. I am honestly saddened and little sickened by the small amount of people who join some sort of military branch. I read a couple months ago that only 1% of ALL US citizens are in the military.

Right now, though I want to focus on my friend who I am saying goodbye to. I pray that she's kept safe, comes home safe, and grows in GOD while she's over there. I worry about her leaving. I can't imagine as "just a" woman having to face going to a country that for years has not valued women. She's not a mother and honestly I'm thankful for that, because I think it'd kill her to have to leave a child.

Tonight, as I get ready to go to bed. I pray for all our soldiers, but especially our women who are serving in the military. They do have a special role in this war and I respect them for their job and pray for them.

 

GOD Bless Our Service Women and Men, we're so lucky to have you.

Falling apart

(btw NOT me in pic)

Who am I? I'm fat. I'm married, I'm a mother, I believe in GOD, but do not feel worthy of his love and grace. I struggle with this body that is now mine, and there's a lot of it. I hate what I have become.

Yesterday after getting dressed my backside was facing the mirror and I happened to catch the glimpse. I saw what I had become. I've KNOWN for a long time I'm fat, but until yesterday somehow I've denied just how fat I have gotten.

My self-esteem has fallen to an all time low. I don't see how anyone could ever find me attractive much less love me.

My marriage is not so great right now and counceling is in the future for us, it's that or we're done. We've been 2 people doing a lot of pretending for quite a while. I love my husband, yet feel hatred. I don't know if that's even possible, is it?

I feel lost trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I know my heart is forever broken. I miss my daughter. I miss pig tails, painting nails, dress's, cute little pink and purle outfits. I miss boa's, purses, babydolls.

I wouldn't trade my boys for the world, I just want my little girl back. I know the desires of the impossible. THE Ultimate IMPOSSIBLE DREAM. I daydream of dying and going to heaven. Being with my Lord and Savior, most of all dreaming of holding Jordyn in my arms again. Oh to feel her in my arms. I miss her smell, her giggles, the warm deep breathing on my neck as she falls asleep. I miss the gentle strokes of pulling on my hair when she would get tired.

I know when Jordyn died, I left my marriage, emotionally. I took it for granted and have continued to take it for granted. I've lived with my husband's life in the balance in another country where insurgents would rather kill their own without mercy, and finds some kind of pleasure out of beheading those they see as the ultimate enemy.

I feel like I'm on some sort of rollercoaster, going upside down a lot, and sometimes stopping in the loop and I'm just hanging there wondering when I'm going to drop.

I'm tired of being fat, of course the fat is what makes me tired. It's a cycle that unless I do something about I'm not going to get out of it.

I'm tired of not feeling loved, really  loved. By myself and my husband. I want my boys to see how they are to treat a woman by the example of their father. Right now, I'd be less than happy if they grew up and treated their wife the way I've been treated. I also want them to see how to be treated by a wife, and again I'd be so disappointed if they were drawn to a wife like me.

So with the new year, I am finding a couple weeks later that changes are a must.

 

 

Weekend Assignment #42

Weekend Assignment #42

By The Way...

: Share your favorite story of Winter cold -- preferably (but not necessarily) involving something freezing inconveniently and humorously.

Well I can think of 2 right now. The first and to me most important is when I was pregnant with Jordyn. Not a little pregnant, but 10 days I believe from my due date pregnant! I was up at my parents for the first of 3 baby showers I was due to have! The shower was to be on Sunday, we woke up to a blizzard. So March of '98 we had record snow fall. We were literally stuck inside. My dad and Chad opened the garage door and dug their way out, then dad went and got his tractor to try and at least clear out the drive way...but the tractor got stuck! Of course I started having contractions every 7 minutes. Thankfully by Monday we were FREE! LOL

The second one was Halloween '92. I was in highschool. We had a ice storm. The tree's looked beautiful, but the whole town was out of electricity for over a week. I remember sitting in class and watched as a HUGE tree fell on a classmates brand new car (who's house was caddy corner from the HS)...I'll never forget the beauty of the ice on the tree's though. We stayed at family friends house, because they had a wood burning stove and a generator for that week.

Extra credit: Name a song that reminds you of winter that's not Christmas-themed. Ok it's crazy, but Informer I think the guy went by Snow or something stupid like that! Anyways it was out when I was in highschool and my friend Dena and I would cruise around listening to that song, in the guy's "Jamacian" voice (I think it came out the guy was NOT Jamacian..can't remember! LOL) I just remember cruising around the heat at full blast, and windows down (we were teenagers aka STUPID!). That's my winter song! :)

Drivers Lincense Renewal time

It's a fact of life if you want to drive in this nation, you must have a license. I think this is great, people need to know how to drive. Of course I also think we need something better to keep some of the morons off the road, like surprise driving tests here and there. Kind of like in the military surprise "pee tests" lol. @@

So, because my parents house is our home of record my renewal and test arrived at their house so my mom called to let me know and "warn" me that the prices have gone up. The last time I got my license which would have been 6 yrs ago, right before I left Germany the price I believe was 10.00. When Chad renewed his 4 yrs ago I believe the price had went up to 12 or 14.00. Not that bad.

Well know the great state of KS requires background checks, yes that is right. So I will get a reciept with my picture on it (looks like a grocery reciept) and then my actual license will show up in the mail a few weeks later.

Ok so I think that it's rediculous to do a background check and I'm pretty good at watching and listening to the news and never heard of this little "change" that I think I as a tax payer, KS resident, and American Citizen has the right to know when I'm going to be forced to have a background check. I already feel like too many people know too much about us and it's just another thing to tick me off.

Ok, so now we have to wait to actually get our license, but I also have to pay now OVER TWICE the amount that Chad paid last time...

It know costs us in KS $30.00 to get a new license. Maybe I'm cheap, well maybe we don't make squat since my dh is in the Great US Army and we're 1 child away from qualifying for Food Stamps (a whole other post...), but this license should last me 10 yrs. Of course I'm even fatter than I was 6 yrs ago, shoot I don't even have a goal to get as thin as I was 6 yrs ago, just a lot closer to that weight and size! So this picture is going to stay with me for a long time it should at least be with me for a stinking decade, but it only lasts 6 or 8 yrs, my mom couldn't remember.

I'm annoyed to say the least. I swear if the next step is retina scans and/or finger prints they can stick the license up their wazoo's.

 

Get ready, I think my next post will be about how close we are to welfare! :) Aren't you excited!!

Goodbye 2004, Hello 2005

I'm amazed the year is over. 2004 was by far a year for my family this year.Chad left for Iraq and the very next day 3 of his "brothers" were killed with the 4th, who was a good friend died. Chad ached being stuck in Baghdad and not with his unit until a week or 2 later.

Feb. led the boys and I to visit friends for 2 weeks. It was a nice break, although Chad had just left it got me away from the post and away from the constant knots in the stomach. I returned home, only for a "new" war to break out. One on the home front...with my parents. Always fun. Not talking to them for 5 months was actually a good thing. The break of the stress I had allowed them to place on me was much needed.

March led to even more death. Chad called me on Jordyn's birthday (well in the US it was, it was already the 31st in Iraq). As he was walking back to his room there was an explosion....they lost 5 more "brothers". Death seems to be all around us. I didn't relax until Chad was out of that country and was in the US. I will NEVER know the pain and horror Chad has experienced and honestly I don't want to know. I know the sadness I've felt on my side, seeing wives ache over the loss of their husbands, watch parents try to figure out how to live after their own child has died.

We all know death happens with war, but until it's the one you love over there it's just not quite as real. I have felt very similar feelings when Jordyn was fighting cancer, but it's still a different feeling. Chad is my husband and the thought of raising these 2 precious boys without him for the rest of their childhood was terrifying to me. I never thought I'd live a day when Jordyn died, but I soon realized that no amount of hoping and praying was going to let me join Jordyn in heaven and since I couldn't kill myself I had to figure out how to keep living day in and day out. There were many days spent in bed or the couch and if I did go anywhere else it was to the desk hoping on "here" to the internet to chat with Tami or Kelly, and be reassured that life really was still going on somehow without our kids.

The difference from then, almost 5 yrs ago, and last year when Chad was in Iraq is that I now know I can keep on going, and in fact I don't have a choice. I will HAVE to keep going. The boys need me and would depend on me. Thankfully, Chad is home safe and alive. I pray 2005 is as kind.

So, onto what 2005 means. Jordyn would be in the 1st grade, she'd be gettingready to turn 7 in March. Instead I'm marking 5 yrs since she died. What is it about these magical no? When she would have turned 5 it hurt me so very much. Here we are at 5yrs since she died and just thinking about it makes me feel like I could go throw up. Those who think you move on, that you miss less are either very blessed with their naivity or just in denial. I think to a point the years some how make the pain a little more managable, yet there are still days where you just can't catch your breath. That it hurts to take a breath because all you want is to hold them in your arms. The thought of 50 more years without Jordyn is just really too much. I know I have another year that I've survived with her in Heaven. I still can't believe she's gone.

I pray that this year there will be some major break through in childhood cancer. I don't know if it will happen ever in my lifetime, but to know that not another child has to suffer the evil fate of CC.

I guess we will see what this year holds for us...maybe I can have a little more peace in my heart. That would be nice.