Chad leaves in less than a month most likely. I don't know if I'm ready or not. Wait I know I'm not. It sucks. I know ugly word, but it's the only appropriate one there is. Right now, he's in bed with Emma snuggled up in his arms. I hate the fact that she's going to miss out on having her Daddy here with her and that he's going to miss out on so much of her, 15 months of her as a matter of fact. I know I can "make it" with him deployed, but I hate doing it. I hate being in that weird role of "single parent" but not single parent. Where we're being told over and over "don't tell your husband this or that" yet when you don't tell them, they want to know why you didn't tell them. The reality is, I tell Chad most things. I think it's a load of tar to keep them in the dark and pretend that everything's constantly beautiful, easy, and when you do that's when you get ignorant comments from your spouse like "you have it so easy at home" ROFL!!! Seriously if you're not a military spouse and have not been through a deployment you do NOT get the hillarity of that comment. Chad said it his 1st TWO deployments the first to Bosnia and the 2nd in Kuwait, before he headed off to Iraq the first time though he got to see what it's LIKE. Our neighbor's husband was deployed and she was pg with their 3rd children (we had our babies...who for me was Jackson....on the same day actually). Anyways right after her husband left to go back to Iraq right after R&R the Army messed up their pay. Her husband had bought a laptop while home and set up an allotment to pay for it, of course the Army sent ALL their money to the bank to pay for the computer and just left C with about $100.00, it'd gotten things backwards. Chad took her up to finance and got it all straightened out. Then a few days after that, which was the day before she was leaving for California (from Kansas) the back window of her van exploded! There was just thousands of cracks all over it. We'd all been outside in our backyard when it happened.) So that helped him see that when something goes wrong, it's always when the husband's deployed! So that deployment, he was really awesome. The last one he was great too, never make that stupid comment, and he even "disciplined" the boys via webcam! ROFL! I will say this....GOD BLESS technology! Seriously how awesome is it?!! But....he's still not here.
He will not be here to hold Emma when I'm so exhausted I can't hold her for one more second. He'll miss out on hersweet hugs, kisses, and as more and more words grow in her vocabulary. He'll miss her first steps, possibly first tooth (which has yet to show itself), her first birthday, etc, etc, etc.
He'll miss Jackson's first year of kindergarten. Of all the great things he'll be learning on a daily basis. Of soccer and any other sports he may play while he's not here. Of days at the park. Of him turning 5.
He'll miss out on Jacob turning 8, cub scouts, pine wood derby races, camping trips, sports for the year, his 2nd grade year, learning division, performing science experiments, learning about the planets in more details.
As a family he'll miss out on our trip to Italy and the beach this summer, trip to Belguim, and Czech Rep. He'll miss out on our trip back to the states and seeing everyone meet Emma for the first time and for Jack and Jacob "remeeting" our family and friends who they've not seen in 3 years. He'll miss lots of laughter, thousands of smiles, holiday's, birthday's, anniversary, hugs, kisses, long looks, holding each other, watching our babies grow, new joys, possible heartaches, walks holding hands, the list goes on and on.
But what he's doing over there is important. What he's doing is changing the world, saving lives, giving hope to the hopeless, and most importantly sharing Christ's love and compassion, and truth with those who don't know it or who've lost it along the way.
I must hold onto the truth. This is with in God's will, with in his control, and that he will not allow anything to happen to Chad that is not with in his will. I know I'll have down days, but I will do all I can to focus on the positive things. I may share heartaches, but I'll share just as much if not more joy. Come along with me on what is our 5th over all deployment, and our 3rd OIF (Operation Iraqi Freedom) deployment. I'll be writing once again here: TalesfromtheFrontandtheonesleftBehind I don't know if Chad will get to write there too, hopefully. Now that AOL has changed things and more than one person can write on a blog I'm hoping he'll find the time to write here and there, to give his perspective of being away from us. He's limited on what he can write about as far as the deployment itself goes and really I'm not that comfortable with him sharing that information, but his perspective on being away from his family, being in a war torn country, etc would be good to share.
Thanks for walking this journey with me, it's going to be our longest yet at 15 months.