I just finished my bible study, it's almost 2:30 am and I'm exhausted, but God has worked on ME so much in such a short time. I cried because I felt like I couldn't let it all out to my friends. I do believe God gives us friends for all reasons, but not to replace him. When I sat here actually crying earlier, I was crying out to God. I was honestly talking TO HIM and asking him why, sharing the depths of my heart with him. That simply should have been enough, instead I allowed pride to take ahold of me and grasp me for human affirmation. The truth is that yes I need to be able to open my heart up to my friends, accept their words that will hopefully come because GOD wants them to share them with me or allow them quiet understanding or maybe simply quiet not being able to understand. I need to give this all first and foremost to GOD. I need to make sure that most importantly I'm not putting HUMAN relationships before my relationship with CHRIST. That must be my first and foremost priority and if it's not, everything else is just going to crash around me. If I don't have GOD, I have nothing.
That statement right there is exactly what's been wrong with me lately. I have not been putting GOD first, second, or even third in my life lately and that is stopping right this minute. If you're hurting like I am, we together need to put GOD first in our lives. He MUST come before our husbands/wives, he must come before our children, friends, work, and all that other stuff that we just allow to get in the way pleasure and pain. When we put GOD anywhere but first we have havok, insantity, and craziness in our lives. Why do we do this? I honestly do not know, other than we are human and with that comes sin and free will. My free will is telling me though...choose GOD. Choose your salvation over your pride, stubborness, fear, sadness, etc.
We each have control of our feelings. Heather I hope you don't feel I'm picking on you when I take something you wrote, because I am the first one to state that up until a little over a month ago I didn't even know this....but we have control over how we react to our hormone's. I've ALWAYS gave into them. When I had my cycle each month, I was a raving lunitic. This pregnancy and all the hormone's going crazy inside of me, I've had to almost physically fight the urge and DESIRE to give into them. One thing I'm still learning and dealing with is that I can not allow "hormones" to be my excuse for ugliness, laziness, etc. I have too. I so have. I've been such a nasty woman when the hormones get off balance inside of me. I haven't given it over to GOD. I didn't even realize I could! But now I know, I can. I still have to remind myself that I CAN control myself. Today and tonight I failed at that. I woke up crabby and remained that way. The boys got on my nerves from the moment I started to wake up, literally not even a foot on the floor and I was already ticked and it remained that way all day. How horrible that must be for them. They did nothing wrong, well ok they did a few times, but honestly nothing that deserved the wrath that they felt because of my insane behavior.
So after God's drug me down into the dirt and lifted me back up and washed me off, the longings of my heart 2nd time around. To be able to let the pride go and share the depths of my heart first with GOD and then if God leads me to, with Chad and/or my other friends. To not allow insanity to rule me, and instead to allow GOD and his will to rule me.
I'm now off to bed. I pray that each of you will also turn to God first. He died on the Cross for us, isn't the least we can do is come to him and lay our burdens down at his feet, as he desires us to do?