We all have them don't we. I do. For some reason for someone that IRL is quite outspoken, talks with ease on many subjects, when it comes to saying what I truly long for and need I struggle with it. Actually it's beyond struggle, I seem not capable of it. I had a horrible day. I wrote it all out, and I did feel better after getting it all out, but honestly I could still have talked more about it. My two best girlfriends called me, both have other things going on in their life and I just struggle to get out what I need, well I didn't struggle, I simply didn't tell them that I'm having a horrible day and didn't share with them my heart and burden's. Well one I did via email, but that's really as far as it went. I truly am thankful that my friends can unburden their hearts with me. I know they're often not seeking counceling, just someone to talk it out with, to empathize with them, and vent to.
I need that too though and don't do it very often. I will vent, but it's about the little stupid things, not the things that are eating me up. After I hung up the phone tonight I just found myself crying. I just needed to unburden my heart and frustrations. The easy solution for many of you would be go to Chad. Yes more often than not, I do and can. But tonight my frustration was with him. He's a wonderful husband and he is my best friend, yet he's my husband, make sense? I just needed to get it out and when I was on the phone I honestly didn't realize how much I needed to, until the chance was gone and the calls ended.
I guess sometimes it'd just be nice for someone to call and say "unburden your heart on me" and let me. I know it's honestly for me a pride issue and the bibe study I'm doing is currently talking about pride and how dangerous it is and how much GOD hates pride. I guess I worry if I let it all out, those who say they love me, won't. If worry that if people knew all that was in my heart they'd not want to be my friend. Rediculous. I'd tell my friends they were being crazy. I love my friends deeply and have friendships that are still in very good contact after 20 plus years.
I know some of my emotions are from my pregnancy. I also know that deep in me I can be simply ugly. I can also be deeply loving and compassionate. I can be sarcastic, crazy, gentle, and kind. I feel like I'm all over the place. I try not to hide who I am for the most part what you see is what you get, but then there's that deeper region. That place where only those who you truly feel will love you unconditionally can be let in. That's a small select group of people, starting with GOD who although I TRY to hide it, he obviously knows it's there and see's it better and far more clear than anyone else. There's Chad and then my 2 best girl friends.
I have so much to do tonight and really need to also get at least 6 hrs of sleep. I have PWOC in the morning and have to sing as well in the morning at PWOC so I must get some sleep. Oh...totally off subject. It's snowing here! We're supposed to get up to possibly 5 inches of snow or more! I hope we do! I love it when it snows and have longed for the snow.
Thanks for being my sounding board.