Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Longings of the Heart

We all have them don't we. I do. For some reason for someone that IRL is quite outspoken, talks with ease on many subjects, when it comes to saying what I truly long for and need I struggle with it. Actually it's beyond struggle, I seem not capable of it. I had a horrible day. I wrote it all out, and I did feel better after getting it all out, but honestly I could still have talked more about it. My two best girlfriends called me, both have other things going on in their life and I just struggle to get out what I need, well I didn't struggle, I simply didn't tell them that I'm having a horrible day and didn't share with them my heart and burden's. Well one I did via email, but that's really as far as it went. I truly am thankful that my friends can unburden their hearts with me. I know they're often not seeking counceling, just someone to talk it out with, to empathize with them, and vent to.

I need that too though and don't do it very often. I will vent, but it's about the little stupid things, not the things that are eating me up. After I hung up the phone tonight I just found myself crying. I just needed to unburden my heart and frustrations. The easy solution for many of you would be go to Chad. Yes more often than not, I do and can. But tonight my frustration was with him. He's a wonderful husband and he is my best friend, yet he's my husband, make sense? I just needed to get it out and when I was on the phone I honestly didn't realize how much I needed to, until the chance was gone and the calls ended.

I guess sometimes it'd just be nice for someone to call and say "unburden your heart on me" and let me. I know it's honestly for me a pride issue and the bibe study I'm doing is currently talking about pride and how dangerous it is and how much GOD hates pride. I guess I worry if I let it all out, those who say they love me, won't. If worry that if people knew all that was in my heart they'd not want to be my friend. Rediculous. I'd tell my friends they were being crazy. I love my friends deeply and have friendships that are still in very good contact after 20 plus years.

I know some of my emotions are from my pregnancy. I also know that deep in me I can be simply ugly. I can also be deeply loving and compassionate. I can be sarcastic, crazy, gentle, and kind. I feel like I'm all over the place. I try not to hide who I am for the most part what you see is what you get, but then there's that deeper region. That place where only those who you truly feel will love you unconditionally can be let in. That's a small select group of people, starting with GOD who although I TRY to hide it, he obviously knows it's there and see's it better and far more clear than anyone else. There's Chad and then my 2 best girl friends.

I have so much to do tonight and really need to also get at least 6 hrs of sleep. I have PWOC in the morning and have to sing as well in the morning at PWOC so I must get some sleep. Oh...totally off subject. It's snowing here! We're supposed to get up to possibly 5 inches of snow or more! I hope we do! I love it when it snows and have longed for the snow.

Thanks for being my sounding board.


ukgal36 said...

i understand how you feel ..i believe we are a lot alike...i hope you feel better...

hsauls said...

You sound a lot like me.... people always have the impression of me that I am super saccharine sweet when truthfully... I can be terribly mean and catty. depending on my hormone levels I'm supporting one or the other of those personalities... I felt I was carrying a lot of burdens today too and found strength in some pretty unusual places. Michael doesn't like to do a lot of drama but he is so wise that when I am really struggling, he is my best resource. Hope you have a good night's sleep!
SNOW! I'm jealous!

jckfrstross said...



crewsfour said...

BIG HUGS to you!!! I completley understand your need to vent/yell/scream and just let it out.  Call your best girlfriends and tell them you just need to talk - then get it out.  Leene

linnpooh said...

It's so hard to say what is on our heart at times....and I can imagine the pain you were feeling. I'm so sorry that you are having a bad day, that you feel a little lonely and sad. I will keep you in my prayers and send all kinds of happy thoughts your way. I hope it made you feel better to type it out.....we are always here to listen.

Pooh Hugs,

deshelestraci said...

I have the same problems.  I just smile and say everything is fine when it isn't.  I did it at MOPS today.  When these are the women who get me and are around to help.  
I hope you feel better.  I haven't read the next installment.  I'm off to read it.

bhbner2him said...

I know for me, outside of my MIL, who is gone now, I never have felt right unburdening about my husband to anyone else.  For two reasons.....one that I truly believe we should be very careful what we say about our spouses at any time.  And secondly because I have always feared and often rightly so, that long after I was all right about whatever my hubby had done or not done to upset me that whoever I told would still hold it against him in some regard.  I suppose what I'm trying to say is we all have to unburden ourselves from time to time.  We can get love and support, pray and confirmation that way.  But some do it recklessly.  We unburden and feel better.  But those we unburden to, sometimes are weighed down and sometimes when other people and their actions and choices are involved, our unburdening can be dangerous to them.  So it should always be done with discretion and to those we know we can trust.  -  Barbara

lifesabench6 said...

I know exactly how you feel Christy- I'm often the same way.  I used to keep everything bottled up, and was really good at it, until my life fell apart - thne i had to let on that things were going on and I needed just someone not to judge, but listen, and maybe give me councel.  Not advice really, but just a suggestion here and there.  Now though, I've been finding myself bottling things up again- but I get to crying alot- then I don't knwo how to explain to my family or friends what's wrong.  Sometimes I know I need to talk to my husband- other times, I know it's not a husband type thing, so I try and talk to my best friend- why though, I wonder, how often I turn to talk to others before I talk to God.  I am learning to depend on Him a lot more though.  For a long time I was praying for a friend who would be close by- not 2000 miles away- eventually, I finally heard the Lord telling me He was that friend!  Hope things go well for you, and everything with your baby is OK.  God Bless!  Carolyn :)

ksgal3133 said...

We're all here for you anytime to listen.
I do understand...there are days I would love for a particular friend to call just to say what you wrote about. She calls but she has so much going on in her life that I end up listening, which I have no problem with but there are days I need to vent also.

Sending you prayers!