Well I'm just in one of t hose moods where I want to write but actually have no clue what I want to write! Isn't life fun! So I have been thinking the last couple of days about me, really deep down ME.
Who am I? When I say that a song constantly pops in my head and well let me tell you for the last 2 or 3 days this song has been stuck in my head, "Who Am I" by Casting Crowns. Now this song has 2 great things going for it...one just the lyrics all on it's own and then the group that sings the song..I LOVE THEM! Ok so here's the lyrics, so for those who know the song it can get stuck in your head too and for those of you who have never heard it, one I HIGHLY Recommend buying the CD because it's awesome.
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You're
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me
I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours
Ok so how often do we ALL feel completely unworthy of God's love and promise of salvation? I do, everyday many times a day. So I have started to examine what is it about my daily life that makes ME feel so completely unworthy? I'm so short tempered for one. I am moody, and no I'm not PMS'ing. I have little patience (which brings up the question of why people suggest I work with young children I love them, but get me on the wrong day and UGH!). I know there are MANY,MANY other faults like being outspoken, rude, ah the list could go on...but the ones I find myself guilty on that I really am recognizing in myself are the short tempered, moodiness, and patience.
When Jordyn was being treated at Walter Reed one of my dearest friends during that time was another cancer mom, who happened to be the mom to Jordyn's best friend. (Oh how I miss them). Anyways, she told me never to ASK God for patience unless I was ready to be tested. That was advice I'd never been given before, but such wise advice! I have found myself praying for patience and I see GOD testing me through my children, my husband, and just people around me. There are things that I truly feel I have no patience for, like parents who smoke. I don't care if I offend some of you, smoking is very selfish. You're killing yourself and killing your children. It makes me SCREAM inside when I see a mom or dad carrying their child in their arms with a cigerrette in their mouth or hand. I have said things before to people and I know without a doubt ticked them off completely. Yet, I will tell you this...one of my dearest friends quit smoking because of Jordyn and me. She was a neighbor of ours when Jacob was a baby. She hardly ever smoked and her little boy, Jacob (yes hers too lol) is 2 yrs older than our Jacob. She would smoke every few days 1 cigerette if that. Her husband smokes too. I got to know her and shared Jordyn's story with her. She would watch Jacob for me off and on and from the beginning she had told me she'd never smoke or allow anyone else to smoke inside while Jacob was there. I never even had to ask. One day she told me she had quit smoking. I was thrilled, at this point I truly loved her and had been praying for her to quit. She told her husband he was no longer allowed to smoke inside! She told me that she felt so selfish a few days before that when she had went outside to smoke and thought "Jordyn's dead and there was nothing Christy could do to prevent it, and here I am harming this little boy who I'd die for if I had to."
I know that the gentle approach works best, I really do. Sometimes though, like when I see a precious newborn baby in her mommy or daddy's arm and they're killing her I'll say something and often times it's not nice. Say something like "You're so stupid, killing yourself and your baby...parent(s) of the year". I grew up in a house with 2 heavy smokers and I suffered because of it. Besides the disgusting smell on my clothes and hair, etc I also had broncittis nearly every year that I can remember and the drs told them over and over, year after year it was because of their smoking and not to smoke around me...but they were too selfish. Now don't get me wrong. I understand it's an addiction,but there A LOT of addictions. I'm struggling with one right now it's called FOOD and Iknow that being overweight is a majory cause of quite a few different cancers. I do NOT want my children to suffer and watch me go through a cancer that I possibly brought on myself because I was too selfish to STOP. It's not always easy, but it's possible, simply because I WANT IT.
So...back to my question, Who Am I? I'm a Christian. I'm a child of GOD that's anything but perfect. I'm a woman who's fat, but losing weight. Who thinks cruel things at times and then wonders, "what in the world made me think that?" I'm someone who struggles with gossiping, that's hard too. There have been times I'm talking to friends and I will think mid-sentence "I'm GOSSIPING" and I will know that instance that it's wrong, heck we may even joke about it, yet we continue or I continue or I don't stop it. That's something I'm looking inside myself about. I don't want to be a person who feels the need to knock others down to make herself feel good, we KNOW that in the end that just doesn't work and makes you feel worse anyways. I'm a wife, who yells are her husband sometimes for no reason at all, just because I have a rush of being angry for a reason that I don't even know (happened just today). A wife that loves her husband, yet is STILL struggling deeply with submitting to my husband.*** Yes for some I know you just GASPED, submission..but if you read the bible and want to live as GOD requires of us, we're to submit to our husbands. Now I've had many discussions with others about this and spent so much time in prayer, my understanding of submission that GOD tells us to have is not "here be a doormat and let your husband run all over you, have NO opinions, and just be a good and quiet little housewife." No that's not it at all! What do I mean..it means when we're discussion something and we disagree there is a time where I just need to let it go and let Chad make the decision. As long as I know he's following Christ and is seeking him in what he does, he's not going to do our family or marriage wrong. (and for those who know Chad, you know what a good man he is, yes he can be aggrevating lol, but he's truly a good man). I didn't grow up witnessing a submissive marriage. My parents love one another, but it's normally what MY MOM says is what goes. Mostly I think it's because my dad just doesn't feel like arguing with her. Unfortunately I got that strong will, never give up until everyone agree's with you attitude and it's again something I'm working on. (my dad will argue too, we don't much agree on politics..I'm CONSERVATIVE, he's not! LOL we don't discuss politics much!) ***
I struggle often times with being a good mom, the kind of mom I WANT to be, but fail far too often. I find myself yelling at or just getting annoyed with them too often. Often times come nap time I'm exhausted, and I think what's wrong with me? They are little and you need to stop this and just let them be little.
So after all this who do I WANT to be? I want to be a good mom. One that is kind and loving, and gives disipline with GOD's love and instruction. I want to be the wife GOD wants me to be. I want to be a friend who can be counted on to be fair, honest, and one knows isn't going to gossip. I want to think before I speak (or write) and takes time everyday to pray, really pray.
So what I am going to do to attain these things? When I get up every morning I'm going to spend time in prayer and in the bible. I was doing that for a while, and life truly was so peaceful during that time. It's not always easy, and I know it's not always going to go smoothly and be calm, GOD does not promise that, but he'll take care of us during all of those times (calm and crazy). I'm going to pray before I disipline and ask GOD to give me the wisdom and his desire. On the wife front, I am going to continue to pray that GOD will set it in me and for me to make a more conscience decision to submit, to stop and listen and ask my husband how his day was, etc. I'm going to make a true effort to not gossip, and ask my friends who come here to hold me up on this one and if you find me falling, hold me accountable.
Wow, this is long and I'm tired! Guess what Kelly, I think I'm about to go to bed! For someone who wasn't sure what she was going to write when she started this, I think I wrote a book! LOL