What Might Have Been

I need to clean my house so bad, but just don't want to. I haven't done the dishes, vaccumed the living room, or just picked up in general around here in a couple days. I know part of it is being tired, other is I don't know. I don't feel particularly sad, but more of that blah feeling.

On a christian support email group that I comanage, it's for people who are or have dealt with cancer either themselves or through a family member. One of my dear friends who actually told me abut the list asked why those of us on there who's child's died from cancer doesn't talk/post about them very often. It realy got me to thinking about how and when I do talk about Jordyn. I'm still I think in a way shocked that I buried my daughter. We just don't plan that. We expect that when our child's born, they will be born healthy and one day bury us, not the other way around. There are days when Jordyn really seems like a dream.

I tried to read website of a boy who had cancer, but died unexpectantly and quickly last Feb. from a heart problem that they were not aware of (I believe). I started reading just the beginning days of diagnosis...and I had to stop, because the emotions were so strong, I couldn't see the screen.

Most days I can think of Jordyn and smile and laugh. I try so hard I guess to be positive and as real about her as I can be. There are just times though that it's exhausting being that way. There are days when we just have to cry, feel sad, or just totally stunned that this is really, utterly my life. I am not writing this to have you say I'm strong, I'm not...I don't get a choice in this matter at all..it just is. I don't write this to be told to cheer up, because seriously...my child's dead and 95% of the time I'm a pretty upbeat person, seeing the glass as half full, smiling, laughing, etc. Sometimes it's just hard to understand why GOD said "no" to our prayers. I don't believe for one moment that he GAVE her cancer, he did allow it, and he didn't answer the prayers we and so many others said the way WE wanted.

Someone once said "well maybe God took her so she wouldn't have to suffer a worse death". She died from cancer, trust me when I say that what cancer does to a person is not gentle by any means. When she died...she was literally (and I mean literally) skin and bones. I can't bare to look at most the pictures from the last few weeks of her life, because her body doesn't look like "her". She didn't suffer the way some do,but it wasn't easy on her either. She stopped walking because the pain was too much for her, she didn't eat very good, whatever she would eat we'd shove it into her. Most don't know the details and honestly I just can't write about them or speak about them outloud to most people. I look at her pictures and see such hope, life, love, and belief in her eyes and smile. I think I had that too.

Sometimes I try to picture what she'd look like. She'd be 8 yrs old. I'm not really sure what most 8 yr old girls are into and really don't want to know. My friend Kelly(2) has a daughter who's 5 months older than Jordyn, and she's one of the few who I can handle listening to about her child...because Kelly's son Joshua died from cancer too, days before Jordyn died.

Both of my boys have (thankfully) outlived Jordyn. It's definately a bittersweet accomplishment. I look at my Jackson who's now just a few months older than what Jordyn lived to be and I think of all the energy, that smile, laughter, and whoa that temper and see a lot of Jordyn in him. Jacob he has a special connection with his sister. He's got a tenderness about him. He tells me "Mom, I love you" at least 5 or more times a day. He'll literally be just playing, watching a movie, playing a game, playing on the computer...just anything and will stop and say "hey mom, I love you"...just out of the blue. God blessed me so much with these 2 little boys. I find myself wondering sometimes how they'd be different having Jordyn here. In pretty well everyway...Jacob's the "oldest" child, although he's really our middle child. He's never had that actual roll of middle child. I think in the big picture they'd still be who they are, but there'd be some things about them that'd be different. There are days I just feel like we have been cheated out of so much. All 4 of us. Chad in having his "Daddy's girl" and oh she so was in those last few months. Me in having that little girl to have with me. The boys in having that big sister to do whatever big sisterly duties she'd be doing...whether it'd be chasing them away from her, mothering them, having bonds with them, or being driven up the wall by them.

Oh "what might have been". Life sure didn't play out the way I thought it would. I don't think it does for most people...but sometimes I think for a some of us, even less so. It's amazing how you can miss someone who's been dead longer than they were alive.