Darned if you do and don't

I know the saying's another word, but I don't cuss...so...darn is as bad as it gets.

I got a call last night saying that we were going to get to video teleconference with our hubby's over the weekend, exciting right. I called this morning and set up a time, not sure if my husband would even get to, because he's not with the rest of his battalion, he's located in another place so he can do his job better/easier.

I was down transferring laundry from the washers to the dryers and come upstairs and could hear the chime of yahoo msg and knew it must be Chad. Jacob was on here typing out his name so Daddy would know someone was here and he wouldn't get off. Good/smart boy I have huh?!

I get on and read what my dear husband's wrote...to him saying that he thinks I need to think if I realy want him to travel the 2 1/2 hrs (funny he'd told me before it was between 30 min-1 hr travel time) in HARMS WAY to go where the rest of his bn are so he can do this. He said, "I'll do it, but remember I will not be safe and I will be in harms way and who knows what will happen". Nice huh? When I got the call last night and made the time apt I told the ladies who I talked to I wasn't holding my breath because I didn't figure Chad would get to participate in it, but the Colonel said EVERYONE would get to, so I took a chance and said ok.

He thinks I want him in harms way, for a 15 minute teleconference. Of course I'd love to see him on a nice flat screen I think it's 35 inch tv, but seeing him on my 17" flat screen computer is fine when he's able to use his webcam.

I told him not to go, because if something would happen to their convoy I don't want that kind of guilt on me. My gosh, it's hard enough having him over there, and I support our troops being there. A lot of things were said that were not especially nice. He more or less "hung up on me" by just getting off and it's not like I can force him back on the computer. He says he's going to be there tomorrow. If I don't go then he thinks it's because I don't love him or want to see him, and oh I am so stubborn.

So I get to sit here for the rest of the night in tears and worry about him. He also told me that he intended on coming the whole time, which just infuriates me that he'd then put that type of guilt on me to start off with. Chad's a great guy over all, but man he can still be a jerk at times and this is just one of those times. See even when they're deployed you can still get mad at them.

I'm exhausted. I think I'm getting sick...all day I've just felt worn out and I got a fairly decent nights sleep last night, but I have just been dragging all day. Oh and I have to make dinner, great.

Uplifting entry tonight huh...and think 2 more days til Christmas. I'm starting to think emotionally Christmas is not going to feel very happy. My focus isn't quite on Jesus at this moment. I need to go read my bible for a while, if anyone can lift me out of this fog it's Jesus.