I've attempted to write this 3 times now and everytime I've just deleted everything. Being completely open and raw here is not my nature. I always thought I was a very open person, that I could share things easily, but I'm finding that as I get older the less I share even with those closest to me.

More often than not I find myself the one sitting and listening quietly, adding a comment here and there but other than that, not much else. Then praying. This goes for face to face as well as phone and internet.

Part of the being quiet is obeying God, simply listening and doing all I can to be a good friend and not one upping, etc. The other part is I'm simply not asked how I am, what I need to talk about, etc. It's beyond just one or two friends too, it's pretty well everyone. I'm not sure why either. For a couple I know why and it's fine, we all have times in our lives where we are required to just sit back, shut your mouth, and listen and be a friend....but other times shouldn't that shoe be on another's foot? Maybe right now I'm supposed to be that quiet friend, to everyone. If so and I'm being honest here, it's not easy, it's very hard, and makes me sad and really lonely. No one and I mean no one truly knows ME. A few know a fair amount about me, but no one knows except for Jesus knows all of me. But let me write it right here, a select few could know a lot more about me because I want them to know, but it's not an issue right now.

Are you ever surrounded by people, people who care and love you, and still feel alone? Feel like no one really wants to hear what you have to say?

It is what it is I guess and I just need to suck it up and accept it.

We're about to face a 15 month deployment and the one person that I tell more to than anyone else is about to leave for Iraq. I'm sad. There's a song that continues to go through my head:

 

"Does Anybody Hear Her" Casting Crowns

She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even knows she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away

If judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her

He is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction

 

 

Casting Crowns - Does Anybody Hear Her