Falling apart

(btw NOT me in pic)

Who am I? I'm fat. I'm married, I'm a mother, I believe in GOD, but do not feel worthy of his love and grace. I struggle with this body that is now mine, and there's a lot of it. I hate what I have become.

Yesterday after getting dressed my backside was facing the mirror and I happened to catch the glimpse. I saw what I had become. I've KNOWN for a long time I'm fat, but until yesterday somehow I've denied just how fat I have gotten.

My self-esteem has fallen to an all time low. I don't see how anyone could ever find me attractive much less love me.

My marriage is not so great right now and counceling is in the future for us, it's that or we're done. We've been 2 people doing a lot of pretending for quite a while. I love my husband, yet feel hatred. I don't know if that's even possible, is it?

I feel lost trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I know my heart is forever broken. I miss my daughter. I miss pig tails, painting nails, dress's, cute little pink and purle outfits. I miss boa's, purses, babydolls.

I wouldn't trade my boys for the world, I just want my little girl back. I know the desires of the impossible. THE Ultimate IMPOSSIBLE DREAM. I daydream of dying and going to heaven. Being with my Lord and Savior, most of all dreaming of holding Jordyn in my arms again. Oh to feel her in my arms. I miss her smell, her giggles, the warm deep breathing on my neck as she falls asleep. I miss the gentle strokes of pulling on my hair when she would get tired.

I know when Jordyn died, I left my marriage, emotionally. I took it for granted and have continued to take it for granted. I've lived with my husband's life in the balance in another country where insurgents would rather kill their own without mercy, and finds some kind of pleasure out of beheading those they see as the ultimate enemy.

I feel like I'm on some sort of rollercoaster, going upside down a lot, and sometimes stopping in the loop and I'm just hanging there wondering when I'm going to drop.

I'm tired of being fat, of course the fat is what makes me tired. It's a cycle that unless I do something about I'm not going to get out of it.

I'm tired of not feeling loved, really  loved. By myself and my husband. I want my boys to see how they are to treat a woman by the example of their father. Right now, I'd be less than happy if they grew up and treated their wife the way I've been treated. I also want them to see how to be treated by a wife, and again I'd be so disappointed if they were drawn to a wife like me.

So with the new year, I am finding a couple weeks later that changes are a must.