Jordyn

March 30, 1998..the best day of my life, exhausting but God made me a mother that day. I would have went through days more labor and pain for even a moment of having her in my life. Instead I went through 17 hrs of slow progressing labor, stalled labor, and then no progressing labor and in the end a c-section. She was worth it. I always think of how horrible it is when I hear someone say how awful the birth of their child was (and I have heard/read horrible things about people talking about the day their child being born as horrible, because they get so fixated on what THEY went through vs fixing their eyes on the true gift of what GOD gave them...that precious beautiful baby).

 

God blessed me beyond my worth 8 yrs ago and for that I'm forever greatful. I miss my girl and can't imagine what she'd be like as an 8 yr old. I know she's safe in Heaven and in Jesus's arms. I'd never want her to come back after being up there in perfection. I do miss her though, and I do wish she would have never had to die and I could be watching her grow up into a beautiful little girl.

Tomorrow's NEVER promised, not even for our children. The only promise of tomorrow we have is if we believe that Jesus Christ is our Savior. How thankful I am to have that promise to lean on. I am worthy because Christ died for me. I imagine his love for me is like the love I feel for Jordyn, Jacob, & Jack, times about 1,000.  How unbelievably blessed we are.

"Thank you Jesus for giving me not just 1 day with Jordyn, but for giving me 2 yrs 1 month and 8 days with Jordyn.  I didn't deserve a single day of her, yet you gave her to me anyways and allowed me to love her and feel her love every single day of her life. I miss her Lord. I long to feel her in my empty aching arms. I know one day I will again. Thank you for your unending love for me and for the comfort of knowing Jordyn's safe. Thank you for the comfort while I weap when I just don't think I can miss her anymore.  Thank you for holding me close last night as I cried out to you in heart break. You're my savior, my father, my omega."

 

Prayers Please

I have a health issue that I need prayers for. I had my once a yr and  things came back. I have to go back to the dr in the larger military hospital about an hour away in 2 weeks. Chad will thankfully be here with me, so at the very least he'll be with the boys and it takes that stress off.

I've spent a good portion of my day in prayer and just talking to GOD and trying really hard to remind myself that all things from GOD are Good and that he loves me and no matter what happens he will not leave me or foresake me.  I admit it though, I'm scared. I go back and forth between feeling complete peace to  terrified. I need to continue to lean on Jesus and I ask that you pray for me that I DO continue to lean on Christ. I do feel him with me and when I felt I was about to fall apart he gave me tremendous peace and strength.

I know I only have a few more days and I'll have Chad here to lean on as well, I'm so thankful that if this is all happening it's right before Chad comes home and I'll be able to have his love and support here in the flesh. I think we can all agree that sometimes we just need arms to wrap around us and reassure us everything's going to be alright.

So...with that I'll share the rest of my day! I had a 9 am board meeting for PWOC (Protestant Women of the Chapel it's a bible study for women...army wide.). After that I came home and listened to the message saying I needed to go see my Dr and discuss the results. I took Jacob to Art Class, next Tuesday is his last one. He's really enjoyed it. I went to see my dr while he was in art class. Came home, fed the boys then had to take our cat to the vet because he once again has a UTI..AHHH! He's on liquid antibiotics, please pray that he does not fight me like he did those stinking pills that he was on just 3 weeks ago! On the way to the vet Pounce (cat) decided to urinate in his carrier! Yes that's right, so he was nice and disgusting  at the vets office. Thankfully we have a great vet who I really like. Odd thing is the cat that was in the room before us urinated in it's carrier as well. Got home told the boys to lay down for a nap, called a friend of mine who I'd called when I got the news about needing to talk to my dr and was praying for me and gave her an update. Gave Pounce a bath (we all know how fun cats are to bathe). It was actually more of a shower...he's at least clean now.  The boys got up Jack needed his diaper changed and in between me taking off his wet one and putting on a new one, he pee'd in the hall, Jacob decided that was disgusting and started gagging. Instead of going to the bathroom,  he went into the living room standing on my BRAND NEW RUG he puked on it, now he could have turned left just slightly and only hit the hardwood floor...but no the boy who'd drank red koolaid with lunch , puked on my BRAND NEW RUG. I was ticked at this point. I had to go to the store and get carpet cleaner and grabbed some lemon juice...praying one or the other works to get the red off the cream color sections of the rug. I took the boys to the park for a little bit to burn off some energy, now I'm making dinner while they're in the playroom.

I'm truly exhausted and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I look haggard. I saw a friend at the commissary and she said "You look exhausted, are you ok". I knew I couldn't even get into it in there, because I felt like I was going to start crying and seriously who wants to cry in a grocery store.

So....please pray for me. I KNOW without a doubt that GOD is in control and all this is happening with HIS permission and all things from God are Good. My faith is NOT waivering at all. I just know that I could use the extra prayers.

Thanks and God Bless

Prayers Please

I have a health issue that I need prayers for. I had my once a yr and  things came back. I have to go back to the dr in the larger military hospital about an hour away in 2 weeks. Chad will thankfully be here with me, so at the very least he'll be with the boys and it takes that stress off.

I've spent a good portion of my day in prayer and just talking to GOD and trying really hard to remind myself that all things from GOD are Good and that he loves me and no matter what happens he will not leave me or foresake me.  I admit it though, I'm scared. I go back and forth between feeling complete peace to  terrified. I need to continue to lean on Jesus and I ask that you pray for me that I DO continue to lean on Christ. I do feel him with me and when I felt I was about to fall apart he gave me tremendous peace and strength.

I know I only have a few more days and I'll have Chad here to lean on as well, I'm so thankful that if this is all happening it's right before Chad comes home and I'll be able to have his love and support here in the flesh. I think we can all agree that sometimes we just need arms to wrap around us and reassure us everything's going to be alright.

So...with that I'll share the rest of my day! I had a 9 am board meeting for PWOC (Protestant Women of the Chapel it's a bible study for women...army wide.). After that I came home and listened to the message saying I needed to go see my Dr and discuss the results. I took Jacob to Art Class, next Tuesday is his last one. He's really enjoyed it. I went to see my dr while he was in art class. Came home, fed the boys then had to take our cat to the vet because he once again has a UTI..AHHH! He's on liquid antibiotics, please pray that he does not fight me like he did those stinking pills that he was on just 3 weeks ago! On the way to the vet Pounce (cat) decided to urinate in his carrier! Yes that's right, so he was nice and disgusting  at the vets office. Thankfully we have a great vet who I really like. Odd thing is the cat that was in the room before us urinated in it's carrier as well. Got home told the boys to lay down for a nap, called a friend of mine who I'd called when I got the news about needing to talk to my dr and was praying for me and gave her an update. Gave Pounce a bath (we all know how fun cats are to bathe). It was actually more of a shower...he's at least clean now.  The boys got up Jack needed his diaper changed and in between me taking off his wet one and putting on a new one, he pee'd in the hall, Jacob decided that was disgusting and started gagging. Instead of going to the bathroom,  he went into the living room standing on my BRAND NEW RUG he puked on it, now he could have turned left just slightly and only hit the hardwood floor...but no the boy who'd drank red koolaid with lunch , puked on my BRAND NEW RUG. I was ticked at this point. I had to go to the store and get carpet cleaner and grabbed some lemon juice...praying one or the other works to get the red off the cream color sections of the rug. I took the boys to the park for a little bit to burn off some energy, now I'm making dinner while they're in the playroom.

I'm truly exhausted and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I look haggard. I saw a friend at the commissary and she said "You look exhausted, are you ok". I knew I couldn't even get into it in there, because I felt like I was going to start crying and seriously who wants to cry in a grocery store.

So....please pray for me. I KNOW without a doubt that GOD is in control and all this is happening with HIS permission and all things from God are Good. My faith is NOT waivering at all. I just know that I could use the extra prayers.

Thanks and God Bless

Anniversary

Today is Chad and I's 9th anniversasry! We've been apart for a couple of them. Our 1st anniversary I was 4 days from giving birth to our beautiful Jordyn. We drove around Manhattan (KS), looking at beautiful lake front homes, we parked at the lake and sat there and talked about how amazing the 1st yr of marriage had been, with pretty typical 1st yr hardships of living with this sometimes alien, yet loving them still. We were excited about the upcoming birth of our daughter, and honestly I was feeling pretty miserable being 2 days over due and just ready to have her!

Our 2nd anniversary was spent in a German hospital, just 2 days after our little girl had been dx with leukemia. I know Chad got me a card, and although I'm sure I had bought him at least a card, I know I didn't have it at the hospital with me and since I didn't leave the hospital for a few weeks,  I doubt he ever got even a card that year. Our 3rd anniversary we'd been told just 16 days before that the FDA study we'd hoped Jordyn would be put on, had been taken away from her...so we were looking at the future of our 1st and at that time only child dying. Our 4th we'd become parents again this time to a beautiful little boy, Jacob. Our 5th anniversary we went out for dinner, although I can't recall if we had Jacob with us or a friend watched him! Our 6th anniversary I was once again pregnant, this time with  Jackson and we were preparing to move to a 3 bedroom home from our 2 bedroom. Our 7th anniversary Chad was in Iraq. Our 8th anniversary I'm trying to remember what we did last yr (sad that I can't even remember!) and here we are to 9 yrs. He's in Iraq I'm here in Germany. One thing I know though is that we've been through a lot in 9yrs, more than a lot of people, and I feel our love is stronger than it's ever been. I'm so t hankful for this man who saw me dancing one night, who I completely blew off, who knew he liked what he saw and instead of pressuring me, he was there for me when my heart got broken, he became one of my best friends quickly and knew so much about me, that when I finally woke up and saw what a GREAT guy who was crazy about me was standing right in front of me just waiting patiently for me to get it! We started dating in November of '96 and we married 4 1/2 months later. Almost as soon as we began dating we both knew we'd be getting married and it just seemed pointless to wait!

I'm beyond blessed with Chad and so thankful God brought him intomy life!

Springing Forward In Germany

Well here in Germany it's that time to Spring forward, so 10 minutes ago I went from almost 2 am (which was already WAY past my bedtime) to 3 am! Yikes!!! I am definately thankful our church service doesn't start until 11 am. I am curious how long it'll take the boys to adjust to the time change. It'll be nice to deluge myself thinking they're waking up at 8 am vs 7 am like they normally do at least for a day or two! LOL I could only dream about them sleeping in until 8 am every morning. Jacob's my early bird boy. It'll be nice once Chad's home for good, because Chad will get home soon after Jacob gets up in the morning (from PT) and Chad likes maknig breakfast vs I who needs to adjust to being awake by sitting or laying on the couch for at least 30 minutes, so Jacob often ends up making him and Jack a bowl of cereal and recently asked to use the toaster...that was a HUGE jump for me...but he's 5 and I have to start allowing him to do some things, as long as he doesn't do anything that will harm him. He will make waffles and toast. He told me the other morning he likes that he can help me with breakfast, because he likes helping! He's such a good boy! It's nice that he's able to do this. Normally by the time they finish breakfast I'm finally feeling actually alive and we get dressed and get to working on school.

 

Ok well I have to get to bed now, it's 3:15 am! The states doesn't spring forward until next week...so for a week I'll be 7 hrs ahead of Eastern Time Zone and 10 Hrs ahead of Pacific!!! Have a blessed Sunday!

Finish The Sentence

Finish the sentence, play along if u want

The last place I drove my car was... Roller Realm (Rolling/Inline Rink)

I am..... About to go to bed when I finish this

Life is.... Good when you focus on Jesus!

I light a candle when.. rarely I burn tarts, although on Jordyn's birthday and anniversary I light her candle in memory of her.

I would like to.... See everyone I know and love come to Christ

God is... Great and All Powerful

Nothing makes me happier than... Jesus and my family

Maybe I should.... get started cleaning my bedroom!

I love.... Jesus, Chad, All 3 of my children, and my friends, oh and brownies! LOL

I don't understand.... why more people aren't fighting to stop childhood cancer.

I lost my... daughter to AML leukemia May 8, 2000.

People say I'm.... Nice

Somewhere someone is... crying out to Jesus

I will always.... Know that I'm loved.

I never want to.... Go back to the days before I lived for Christ.

The first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is.... Why do these boys like getting up soooo early!

Life is full of..... possibilities

Take time to smell....the roses

Nice...

Tomorrow I am going to... church in the morning and Awana in the late afternoon.

I have low tolerance for....liars

I like to wear my shirt.... a little baggy

Coffee is... not something I like at all.

I think smoking is..... nasty...wish my parents, sil, and everyone I know and love  would stop

I get annoyed when... people try to discredit Christ.

My job.... wonderful! I'm a mom!!!

For a Klondike bar I would.... sing

Always have... faith

A stitch in time....

Never put.... worldly goods above God and his word

If I was only allowed to say one word for the rest of my life it would be... 

My bath tub is... great...it's long and deep, although if it was one that fit 2 people with jets, that'd be better!

Variety is.... good most the time

Home is.... where the Army sends us.

If the shoe fits....  wear it

Children are....a gift from God.

Peace is....something that will NEVER  happen until Christ returns.

After a day at my house you would want to.... hopefully stop by again.

Animals are... great most the time

Money talks....and that's one fo the MANY problems with our world.

I cross my....heart

My heart will....always be full....

Immediately give in when....God commands/convicts you.

Grocery shopping.... is best when Chad does it! LOL

The Last thing I mailed was...package to Chad in Iraq!

I could eat.... brownies, but haven't!

Time is...going by too quickly with my boys and not fast enough with Chad in Iraq!

 

 

7 yrs ago...our world turned upside down

March 24, 1999 a little before midnight, German time...our world as we knew it ended and a new one began. Our precious little Jordyn who was 6 days from turning 1 yr old was dx with leukemia. It was another day or two (unfortunately that's just a haze to me as far as exactly what day we found out what type she had) before we were told that she had the type of leukemia the pediatrician told us to pray she DIDN'T have. She indeed had AML leukemia and worse yet she had CNS (centeral nervous system) involvement...meaning she had leukemia in her spinal fluid. When she was dx she had what appeared to be a lump on her temple, we thought that only days before she'd bumped her head in the childcare room at church. We were wrong. It was a cluster of leukemia cells.

That night I can still feel the terror of the unknown that awaited us. Would she be dead by morning, would she be dead in a few days? Those were the thoughts going through my mind. We were initially told that she would be flown to Walter Reed in the morning. We hurried and called a good friend to take care of our dogs and cat and who we'd be giving power of attorney to, to take care of our household goods and car to be shipped back to the states. I can still remember  calling my family. My parents had just moved into their new home they had built, just 1/4 of a mile down the road from the one they built when I was in the 8th grade. I had to call my grandma who lived in town (she later bought my parents old house with her other son). and told her I couldn't get ahold of Mom and Dad and told her  Jordyn had leukemia and asked her to drive out to Mom and Dad's and have them call me back. With in an hour they were on the phone and we were all sobbing and t hey were planning on coming to DC as soon as we got there. I am sure Chad called his mom, but  honestly I can't remember. Jordyn was up in ICU for the night. Initially they tried to put her in a tented bed for her breathing treatment (she had croup, which is what brought us to the ER that night), of course what almost 1 yr old wants to lay in a tented bed...so t hankfully they let me hold her and either Chad or I held the mask up to her face as she slept on our shoulders, as we sat in those ever so comfortable chairs. That morning, about the time we thought we should be leaving for Ramstein to get on a plane, the dx pediatrician came in and said there was a change of plans...she wasn't going immediately to Walter Reed, that instead they were sending us to Homburg University about 20 minutes down the road (NOT HAmburg, but HOmburg). It was of course daunting to be going to a German hospital, but we were reassured that plenty of the staff spoke English well and she'd be getting the BEST care. They were correct. She had Germany's leading Ped. Oncologist as her dr. How blessed we were to have this man over our precious girls care. Not only is he the leading peds oncologist, he has a heart of gold.  He'd come in to Jordyn's room and have tea parties with her. He was great about talking to Chad and I and explaining everything to us, and making sure we had no questions unanswered.

Seven years ago, I started crying and literally cried for the next 48 hrs, then I was able to give it to GOD. I never imagined my daughter would have cancer. I never imagined we'd live in a world that cancer and all that it entails would become our new NORMAL, and I never imagined that just 14 short months later, I'd bury my beautiful, beautiful little girl.

God does not promise us tomorrow. He does not promise our children tomorrow...not on this earth anyways. He does promise that if we believe in him, and accept Christ as his son, we will have a tomorrow in Heaven. I'm so thankful that I know I will see Jordyn again. I know she has no more pain, no more tears, there's only joy and laughter coming from her now.

I pray that if you have  not accepted Jesus Christ as your personal living Savior you will. Jordyn taught me more in her  2 yrs 2 months and 8 days of living than I had learned up until that point. I wish she were here. I wish God would have cured her body of leukemia the way I begged him to, but he didn't, and I know without a doubt that his love for me and for Jordyn in inmeasurable and he KNOWS BEST. I don't understand it, but what I do  understand is that all things are here to Glorify our Lord. God is GOOD. He gave me just over 2 yrs with Jordyn and those were 2 yrs that I did NOT deserve to have her. I don't deserve any of my precious children...yet God blesses me with them. I'm so thankful that I and only I  can say I am the mother of a beautiful girl named Jordyn Ashleigh. 7 yrs ago my world changed, I found that I was stronger than I ever thought possible, that my marriage was stronger than I knew, that my husband was stronger, that  Jordyn was stronger than I ever could imagine...most of all I saw that God's grace was stronger thanall those combined.