Shoes

 

SHOES 
My alarm went off 
It was Sunday again. 
I was sleepy and tired, 
My one day to sleep in. 

But the guilt I would feel 
The rest of the day 
Would have been too much, 
So I'd go and I'd pray. 

I showered and shaved, 
I adjusted my tie, 
I got there and sat 
In a pew just in time. 

Bowing my head in prayer 
As I closed my eyes, 
I saw the shoe of the man next to me 
Touching my own. I sighed. 

With plenty of room on either side, 
I thought, "Why must our soles touch?" 
It bothered me, his shoe touching mine, 
But it didn't bother him much. 

A prayer began: "Our Father" I thought, 
"This man with the shoes has no pride. 
They're dusty, worn, and scratched 
Even worse, there are holes on the side!" 

"Thank You for blessings," the prayer went on. 
The shoe man said a quiet  "Amen." 
I tried to focus on the prayer. 
But my thoughts were on his shoes again. 

Aren't we supposed to look our best 
When walking through that door? 
"Well, this certainly isn't it," I thought, 
Glancing toward the floor. 

Then the prayer was ended 
And the songs of praise began. 
The shoe man was certainly loud, 
Sounding proud as he sang. 

His voice lifted the rafters, 
His hands were raised high, 
The Lord could surely hear 
The shoe man's voice from the sky. 

It was time for the offering 
And what I threw in was steep. 
I watched as the shoe man reached 
Into his pockets so deep. 

I saw what was pulled out, 
What the shoe man put in, 
Then I heard a soft "clink"  as when silver hits tin. 

The sermon really bored me 
To tears, and that's no lie 
It wasn't the same for the shoe man, 
For tears fell from his eyes. 

At the end of the service, 
As is the custom here, 
We must greet new visitors 
And show them all good cheer. 

But I felt moved somehow 
And wanted to meet shoe man 
So after the closing prayer, 
I reached over and shook his hand. 

He was old and his skin was dark, 
And his hair was truly a mess 
But I thanked him for coming, 
For being our guest. 

He said, "My names' Charlie, 
I'm glad to meet you, my friend." 
There were tears in his eyes 
But he had a large, wide grin 

"Let me explain," he said 
Wiping tears from his eyes. 
"I've been coming here for months, 
And you're the first to say 'Hi.'" 

"I know that my appearance 
"Is not like all the rest, 
"But I really do try 
"To always look my best." 

"I always clean and polish my shoes 
"Before my very long walk 
"But by the time I get here, 
"They're dirty and dusty, like chalk." 

My heart filled with pain and 
I swallowed to hide my tears 
As he continued to apologize 
For daring to sit so near. 

He said, "When I get here, 
"I know I must look a sight. 
"But I thought if I could touch you, 
"Then maybe our souls might unite." 

I was silent for a moment 
Knowing whatever was said 
Would pale in comparison. 
I spoke from my heart, not my head 

"Oh, you've touched me," I said, 
"And taught me, in part, 
"That the best of any man 
"Is what is found in his heart." 

The rest, I thought, 
This shoe man will never know 
Like just how thankful I really am 
That his dirty old shoe touched my soul. 

 

I have felt like something's taken over me this evening. Anger, deep down anger and sadness. I don't even know why. I hate feeling like this. I want to cry, but I am so exhausted from being angry. I'm mad that "Mr. Wonderful" was over an hour late. He likes to blame trafic, but it's his mouth that runs for an hour that made him late and we both know it.

I'm overwhelmed at feeling so much. I want to scream and whisper all at once. When does life just take a break? I feel so empty. How do you handle all these feelings that are just boiling up inside of you? I don't know. I don't know how I am supposed to deal with this. I want a break. I want to feel peace inside of me.

I know I need to take this to GOD. I know that, I really do. Yet I can't. Why is it so much easier to pray for others, but I struggle to pray for myself? I feel selfish taking what I believe in my own mind as minor, insignificant things. For some reason it just came over me that maybe I just don't believe GOD will hear MY prayers. I prayed so hard for Jordyn to live and well we see the answer to those prayers. She's dead. Dead, dead, dead. DEAD. I wonder if I write that word over and over again if it'll ever lose it's harshness to me. It's not a surprising feeling, just a stab. I can tell anyone my daughter's dead...but telling myself that, different.

Why did he take her away from me? I know I didn't deserve her. I still loved her with every ounce inside of me though.

What am I seriously doing here? I just feel useless. I feel that I have no point in this life. I don't even know who I am. I'm a mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend I'm told..but who am I? How do so many other people know who they are and I feel like I'm just drifting through this world.

I feel like I'm stuck in the year of 2000, when I had purpose and something driving me.

What kind of mother am I? I have 2 little boys who need me, who depend on me and that's not enough? Oh my gosh what the hell is wrong with me?

When will the fog lift

 

 

Tonight my girlfriend and fellow bereaved cancer mom, Kelly reminded me of how I haven't listened to my favorite cd in a long time.

Cindy puts my heart into song. My favorite song is "Water on the Moon". My gosh it hits me like a bullet everytime. Do you have that cd that just reaches into the depths of your soul and puts all those feelings you have out there into words and music. Many who've lost a child to cancer, know Cindy Bullens and know this album. Many probably have all the songs memorized like I do, and I have a good guess Kelly does too.

I don't go into that deep, harsh, hard to climb out of pain very often now, mostly because well I have 2 little boys who are counting on me. They see me cry, they know about their sister, gee Jacob told his preschool class and teachers about her and how she died from cancer and is in Heaven with Jesus! (proud mommy moment there) As proud as I am that we've obviously shared Jordyn, it stabs me in the heart like a dagger that this little boy who loves his sister so much, has never got to hug her, tug on her, make her scream because well he's 3 and she'd be 6! He should be in a middle child role, instead he's like the oldest. I wonder often what he's going to turn out to be like as a young man, father, husband. I pray I don't screw him up. I want so much for my kids, one of the biggest things I want for them I can't give them back...their  big sister. It's like this big slap in the face. I have a scar on my body to prove I have had 3 children. I have stretch marks from 3, I have the love for 3 in my heart, I have room on my lap for 3, but I only live in a 3 bedroom house vs a 4 bedroom. I have toy trucks, army men, swords, Rescue Hero's, etc all over my floor (all over my house)...I want dolls, purses, dress up clothes, barbies scattered about too. I want to paint finger and toe nails, play makeup, and share a dab of my body spray or perfume. I want my daughter to be that mother hen that in my heart I know she would have been. I want a race between a Barbie Jeep that was so loved and the John Deere Gator that rides 2 little boys so perfectly. I want giggles of a girl and 2 little boys in a bedroom.

Will this heartache ever stop? Do I even want it to? I have haunting tune inside of me. Somewhere deep inside it's cries to be heard. I know though that if it's released there would be no stopping. It hurts so much to let go and release. So few understand the depths of agony and heartache,and those who do, oh how I wish they did NOT know.

Where do I turn? I turn to GOD, yet I'm so stubborn and don't listen to him like I should. I should cast my sorrows unto him, but what happens when I let them go? I am I think too weak to let them go. I think in my own way I just have discovered in the last 30 seconds that part of me believes my sorrows keep me strong. Am I losing my mind? I feel like it. I want to know what Heaven is like, yet scared to go there. I'm so unworthy of such perfection. Jordyn wasn't. She belongs there, to enjoy all it's glory. She went through enough hell on this earth.

Contridictions are what you'll find from me I can tell. Don't worry, Kelly. I have officially lost it tonight. I'm not even sure of everything I have written through the tears. I should go back and delete this probably..but it's here and I'm too lazy to just delete it after all this.

I guess this is grief therapy if anything is....

Am I being tested?

 

Today started like any other day. Then Chad came home, took Jacob to preschool, like many days...then the phone rings. I notice the number but figure well he's supposed to go get me some throw away pans so I can take a meal over to a wife who's dh committed suicide :(....oh no he was still at the school and I could hear Jacob SCREAMING bloody-murder in the background. UGh, what could have happened in 10 minutes to bring this on?

They get home, Chad is fuming, I honestly can't recall the last time I saw him this angry at Jacob. He told Jacob he was taking ALL his toys when he got home tonight and he'd have to earn every single toy back, one by one. Then he was sent to his room. I took him, I was still calm! Ha..that lasted about 5 seconds when he had to be placed into his bed by me and was screaming, armys flying all around like a wild animal. It went from bad to worse. The screams kept getting louder, although I honestly do not know how and man those screams were HIGH. He then got out of bed, kicking or hitting the door. That was my last straw. Hello, "Mommy Dearest" I went into take no prisoner's mode and started off gently, then got louder and louder. Sat him in the hallway for a timeout, no he went to hit me (which does NOT happen) and then Daddy got in his face. Screams kept going, the fit continued he was sent back to his room. Finally after about 20 or more minutes he calmed down (potty breaks will help that!LOL) he was allowed to come out and he said sorry. Then he said he wanted to go to school. Of course at this point it's been over half hour after school started, so he could not go and def. not after the fit he threw.

Once he had calmed, ate lunch, and finally laid down for a nap..I started thinking about my post last night. Was I being tested? If so, I think I may have failed miserably because I lost it on that poor kid.

I know one thing, just when I think I have a grip on what it's like parenting a toddler (much less a 3 yr old toddler) I get reminded I know NOTHING! God definately has a sense of humor. I'd love to sit and talk with him and find out how he'd handle the situation. I'm sure that even though we're adults we're often like 3 yr olds throwing a temper tantrum when we do not get what we want, ask for, or justplain expected from GOD and through life.

When Jordyn died, I stopped going to church, so in that way I was like a 3 yr old. Rebelling: kicking and screaming and telling God why we SHOULD have our way.

I will TRY to keep this in mind the next time Jacob or Jackson decide to throw a temper tantrum. It won't excuse it, but maybe I can be more understanding of their frustration...well I doubt it, but we'll see!

Leukemia is not my daughter

I wrote the following text in a webpage/journal. This was taken from a time when she was dying, but we still had hope that maybe, just maybe she'd get a miracle....I honestly sat here tonight amazed that my 23 yr old mind was able to reach this conclusion and I feel proud of that woman I was even then. Yes, it's only been 4 1/2 yrs but when you burying a child a huge part of your soul goes with her. You see things differently than even when you KNEW they wedying. They were still here, you could still hold her, smell her, kiss her, etc.  Anyways..here's what my profound thoughts were that day 4 1/2 yrs ago....

 

Having a child with leukemia, is a struggle! Those who have a child who has a serious illness, know what I mean, yet I have to say, the disease is not the important thing. Leukemia is not our daughter, it is in our daughters' body, but it is not what makes her who she is! Jordyn was who she was long before she got leukemia, and so many loved her long before her body was ill! Do not feel sorry for us, feel sorry for those who have not been blessed to have met Jordyn, either through the net, or in real life!
So many of you only know Jordyn by the words I type here, let me tell you, she is amazing!!!!!!!!
 

I'm so greatful that I got it. That I understood just how precious she was. I often try to go back in time and am fearful that maybe I did not treasure all those "little" moments like I should..but I know I did. I loved painting her toe nails as much as she loved having them painted. I loved swishing the blow dryer over her nearly bald head. Hearing giggles come out of her from a good time being tickled, running away from someone, or for any reason or thing she found funny.

I miss this little girl of mine. I miss all the things I love(d) about her. I miss all the things I never got to experience with or through her. Mostly I miss feeling her in my arms and smelling her head. There's something very precious about a small child who cuddles into you to be rocked and comforted by their Mommy.

I love my boys, don't get me wrong, they are everything to me. I just miss my girl. No future daughter could or would ever take her place. I hope that if we have a little girl, she'llhave a piece of Jordyn in her though. She was amazingly ornery and facinatingly sweet. She was the perfect, Jordyn Ashleigh.

She was like a rose

She was planted and wanted immediately

She came out full of beauty that seems so rare

She brought a peace to me

A happiness I never knew.

I held on tight, not quite knowing why

Slowly she started to say good-bye

In the midst of what was to be her glory

In the early morning hours she left my life

I can still smell her, feel her, and sometimes

Just sometimes I can even hear the laughter

That was her.

She came and left with a beauty almost untold

But for a while I was the one

Who saw in her eyes. I'll never let her beauty

Truly Die

In My Daughter's Eyes

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the
world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me
strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes