Passion of the Christ

We just finished watching The Passion of the Christ maybe 30 minutes ago. I could hardly speak. Chad asks me "well how'd you like it". It felt like possibly the most absurb thing and stupidest question/statement he could say at that moment. There are truly so few words. I sat there in almost horror as they tortured our Savior. The tears were few, but yet I felt them inside. It was like I was dry on the outside except for the few that could come out. I covered my eyes so many times, I was afraid to see what they had done to him next. Afraid of him looking into my soul and seeing just how unworthy I am.

I tried to go to bed, but in those few moments of just laying there I knew sleep would not be coming to me for a while.

So here I am. I have so many feelings inside of me and feel almost frustrated that I can not find the words to really describe them.

I do not understand how anyone could or does deny our Lord and Savior. How could anyone doubt that Jesus was born to die for us? I don't get it, I really don't. I have those moments of how could Jesus had been really a human and walked among other humans. Why would he want to be part of us? We are so unoworthy of his life, his love, his death.

I kept thinking about Jordyn and as crazy as this may sound, what she went through was nothing it seems like. Yet, I kept thinking at the same time that in so many ways it feels like Satan was almost ravaging through her blood as the leukemia. I know I sound crazy, but it's what kept going through my mind. She was not beaten almost to death. Nor did she have stakes driven through her hands and feet...yet she had something inside of her destroying her precious beautiful body and that would eventually seperate our souls from each other until that Glorious day I join her either through my own death or because JESUS returns to rule this earth.

I am still just almost I guess the closest word would be awe struck. I don't know any other words that could come close to describing how I feel. Oh how unworthy am I....

 

If you have not seen this movie, I truly think you should. I think everyone should HAVE to watch this. No it's not easy. It's not a movie you'll sit down with a bowl of popcorn and a glass of Pepsi with, but you need to watch this movie.

UGH

I am so just tired of people, well one in particular. I'll call her TEN. She's pretended to be someone that I don't think she is. She pretended to care about me and my family and I truly think it was all a lie.

I'm hurt beyond belief. I just do not understand how someone can say they believe in things and then just turn away from them. She's not the person she claimed to be and that makes me sad. I gave her my friendship, heart, ear, shoulder. I stood up for her when no one else would. I listened to her online and on the phone when she felt she was not being treated the way she felt she should be. I don't know if I've ever regretted giving my heart to someone like I do her. I am just so sad that I let myself be sucked into a person who is not true to herself and is so lost it seems that she brings others down.

I've gotten her out of my life and I hope that with this journal I can feel like I can let her go completely. :(

FINALLY!!!!

He called! Finally!! I got to talk to him for about an hour! Oh it was sooo good to hear his voice. I went to check to see if I could stir Jacob for a moment when Chad called and he did stir and was able to talk to Chad for a moment. He was falling asleep while talking to Daddy, but I pray he remembers in the morning that he did talk to him.

Chad's doing well, really busy. They go out on missions constantly. They are getting so close to coming home. I just am so anxious for him to get home.

We decided tonight that I'm to look into what it will take to do an oversea's adoption. We know of 2 sisters who are currently in Maryland who need that forever family and that's why they are in the states right now. I want them. The little one who's 4 her name is Olga, when  I saw a picture of her I  knew she was to be MINE. They actually had her name wrong and had her matched up as the sister of a little boy, and her age was supposedly 6 1/2. Well Ivan the little boy does have a sister, Maria and that is the correct age. They are staying with my friend and she's in love with them..please pray that her husband will open his heart because she wants to adopt them.

Chad is open to it and I'm to see what all we will need to do, etc. I'm going to call Beth in the morning. Oh my gosh, I could have 2 little girls growing up in MY HOME!!! Oh this would be such a blessing to me. I know that sounds selfish, but I feel like when I look at her picture, I'm supposed to be her Momma. I do not know how else to describe this unless you've been there and had those feelings for a child you've never met, but needs that home and family. It was like looking at her picture she was looking into my soul.

I'm in such a better mood now. I am hoping I can get to sleep in the next hour. It's 12:24 am and I have not been getting much sleep and am always so exhausted come morning, that I lay on the couch trying to feel like I can get up and get going.

Well...I guess I need to go. Thank you GOD for allowing Chad a chance to call me and we even got about 2 minutes to chat online and he was able to see some new pictures of the boys! It's killing him to be missing out on them and kills him that he's missed Jacob's 1st day of preschool and missing Jackson's 1st steps, he asked me not to tell him anymore of Jackson's 1st. He said he knows that Jackson will be walking when he gets home. I don't know if he will or not. I'm in no hurry...the time frame we're looking at it could really go either way. Jackson's really close to just doing it and has no problem taking a step or two here and there and will stand unassisted a lot and picks things up, stands up from the floor with nothing there to hold onto, etc.

God Bless

Chad..where are you?

I haven't talked to Chad in nearly 4 weeks. This coming Sunday will be 4 weeks straight from not talking to him.

We've talked online a couple weeks ago and the last time was for a couple hours. I missed him I think it was last week (I'd have to look it up) on I.M. which makes me sad, but.....

I'm feeling mad at him for not calling. I'm upset that I even feel the slightest big angry with him over this, because I know I've been spoiled..but I do. I want to hear his voice and hear that he's ok. We've lost another soldier from post t his week and so I know the phones were down, but ugh.

I know that Chad's doing the best he can. I struggle though. I struggle with worrying about him and trying to keep things going here. My house is a mess. I just don't want to do anything. I have no motivation. You'd think having 2 little boys to chase around, one being a crawler/cruiser/almost walker I'd have things more tip-top..but it's just the opposite.

I hate feeling so overwhelmed and sad. Jacob started preschool and I was so mad at Chad, because we haven't talked I know he has no idea that Jacob's started school. Jacob wanted to talk to him so badly and it breaks my heart that I can't fix that for him. I feel like I'm failing Jacob, even though I have NO control over it.

Oh I just want him to CALL! right now I'd settle for a 5 minute call saying, "I'm ok, I miss you, I love you, bye. "

I just need to know he's ok.

 

Ok, I'm done complaining....

Olympics

I'm sitting here watching as Carly Patterson won GOLD for the women's individual and have goose bumps. Earlier today as I was driving and listening to the radio, our local Christian station they didn't even warn..just announced the results. I was ticked off! Oh well, watching her win and then celebrate gave me goosebumps and true chills. I love watching the Olympics. This year I was thrilled to see shot put actually on and televised! The women's prelims were on VERY late one night and I stayed up and watched, but the next day the finals were on. I dreamed of throwing the shot in the Olympics and although it will never happen, it was so thrilling for me to see it on tv! Jacob was pretending that he was throwing it and Jackson crawled up to the tv and was watching it. I still have the shot put that I broke our high school record with (it was a 17yr old record!!). I think I've been amazed at how quickly I've gone back to those feelings of nervousness and confidence mixed in as one. I wish I felt that way more often today. I guess a lot of it was being young and naive as well. I'm a better person today and I'm happy for that. I wouldn't want to be 16 -18 again.

I loved watching Jacob watching the olympics. He was pretending to be doing some of the gymnastics. He thought he was so cool! LOL

I guess I'm going to end this one. I have another journal I'm going to write, but it's a different subject.

Olympics

I'm sitting here watching as Carly Patterson won GOLD for the women's individual and have goose bumps. Earlier today as I was driving and listening to the radio, our local Christian station they didn't even warn..just announced the results. I was ticked off! Oh well, watching her win and then celebrate gave me goosebumps and true chills. I love watching the Olympics. This year I was thrilled to see shot put actually on and televised! The women's prelims were on VERY late one night and I stayed up and watched, but the next day the finals were on. I dreamed of throwing the shot in the Olympics and although it will never happen, it was so thrilling for me to see it on tv! Jacob was pretending that he was throwing it and Jackson crawled up to the tv and was watching it. I still have the shot put that I broke our high school record with (it was a 17yr old record!!). I think I've been amazed at how quickly I've gone back to those feelings of nervousness and confidence mixed in as one. I wish I felt that way more often today. I guess a lot of it was being young and naive as well. I'm a better person today and I'm happy for that. I wouldn't want to be 16 -18 again.

I loved watching Jacob watching the olympics. He was pretending to be doing some of the gymnastics. He thought he was so cool! LOL

I guess I'm going to end this one. I have another journal I'm going to write, but it's a different subject.

thinking of Chad

I was able to talk to Chad Saturday night and it was so nice. It was online chatting, but hey it's better than nothing. We haven't talked on the phone in over 2 weeks and that brings me down, so I'm trying not to think about that.

We are getting closer to him coming home. I just want him out of Iraq. I know I will not be able to let go of the total breath that I'm constantly holding, but will be able to exhale some once he's in Kuwait.

I'm trying not to get too excited for his  homecoming yet, at least not until he tells me "hey I'll be home on such and such date" or I get the official phone call from the company saying "Chad will be home on, be here at this time". We will not get much of a heads up from the Army which is for Chad's safety. I'm just ready, now for him to be home.

Jackson's making strides, so please check out his webpage and take a look at the journal. I need to update Jacob's page today or tomorrow. I also updated Jordyn's caringbridge site as well.

 I guess that's it.